Relationship and Herpes

Hello, first time posting on this board. Well anyways here goes the story..

So I met this girl a couple of months ago, just said "hi" to her at a concert and exchanged phone numbers.. We didn't really talk for a while until we ran into each other again at another concert and we started exchanging text messages together. About a week or two later we decided to make plans to hangout and watch movies together, we greatly enjoyed each others company and I kissed her goodnight.

About a week later we decided to go out to see a few bands together play a local bar in my neighborhood and went back to my place afterwards. We made out and felt each other up.. It seemed like we were about to make love, but when I tried to go down her pants she moved my hand away.. I didn't really care, I figured it was too soon anyways since I just met her and I was a bit drunk. That's cool.

Well then we were texting back and forth one day and she gives me the talk. She says "I need to tell you something if we decide to go any further with each other" and I sort of had a bad feeling about this thinking A.) it's gonna be an issue with an ex.. or B.) STD.

Well she told me she had genital herpes. She said she only had one outbreak and got it from her boyfriend from 3 months ago. I was sort of in shock.. I didn't know what to say. This girl is a dream to be with and I'm very picky when it comes to dating. I told her that I had to think about it more and I wanted to learn more about the risks and spread of genital herpes. I let her know that I was very happy she let me know that she had it and that she is beautiful no matter what, but I have to look out for my own health and well-being before I make a step further. I've been doing much research on the topic and I am thinking about taking the risk to be with her, but only if she gets a valtrex or medication similar to reduce the risk during sex.

Just wondering what anyone on this board may think about this situation. Would you follow through if you thought they might be the one for you? Concerns about the situation, anything. Thank you for your time.

Eeeewwww.

No, just kidding. It's not all that bad. It's much more common than most people think it is. I'm not sure if I could be sexually comfortable with someone with an STD, so I personally couldn't handle it. But if you've done your research and you know what you're getting into and you're still okay with it, then more power to you.

Ouch. Toughie.

I mean. If you think she could be the one, go for it. Personally I'd probably tell her I'd like to keep our relationship non-sexual for a while, no problem cuddling/whatever, and then if my feelings kept growing I'd think about diving in (and, look, this might be a misconception or whatever.. but no way I'd ever give oral. I just couldn't do it. And I'd be checking that condom every 10 seconds. So it's probably not going to be the best sex ever. But whatever.)

Overall my advice is run away. However, if you really think she is the one read onto the last paragraph.

You need to put yourself in the shoes of the NEXT person you date. If you pick this up, you will be the one that says 'I need to tell you something before we go any further', and the next person you date will have to make the choice if they want to keep dating you or not. How do you know you are going to lose out on the 'ONE' because you picked up an STD.

Considering she picked up an STD 3 months ago and is considering sleeping with someone else already, I think I would question the seriousness of the relationship. I would ask her some things - did she know her boyfriend had an STD, how long did she date him, and why did they break up, was he on Valtrex and were they using condoms (here I'm just pointing out that these things ARE NOT fool proof, they only HELP prevent the spread, but even if the condom doesn't fail and people are on meds, the disease still can spread). Usually I wouldn't ask these questions BUT if you are a rebound relationship, or if rushing into relationships is her norm; RUN AWAY because why do you think you are the exception of the norm where THESE types of beginnings never last.

How old are you that you are thinking about settling down? Are you really considering finding the 'ONE' at this point? Is rushing into a realtionship your norm, only to find yourself single again several months later?

Also a person rarely show their true face till about the 6 to 9 month mark. You won't have any inkling if she is the one till at least the 6 month mark nor will she have any idea what she wants till the 6 month mark. Right now she is just a lust/obsession. Don't eff up your life for a lust/obsession that will last a mere couple of months. What I'm saying is - if you really want to give this a shot, take it slow, don't be exclusive (casually date other people so you keep your wits around you by keeping other options), and make the sex decision 6 months from now.

By the way if Vatrex and condoms really worked, and if relationships really lasted, herpes wouldn't be a health concern. BUT obviously since people are still getting herpes.....

hmm. I have a feeling a lot of you guys might have some misconceptions about herpes. It's very easy to stay disease free as long as the partner is actually open about when they're having an outbreak and you have protection (condoms) there is a 4% risk of catching it per year. If medication and condoms are used, 1% risk per year. Both statistics reported of partners having frequent sex in a faithful relationship. I really don't want to just turn away from this girl because of herpes, it doesn't bother me that she even has it.. It's just that I don't want to catch it.

it's a very difficult situation RSanders and kudos to you for being sensible about it. You're right I think, a lot of the posters above are ill-informed.

Realistically, the risk of catching it if she's on medication and you wear condoms is probably negligible. Does she know what type it is 1? or 2?

Reeba, I wish I had read your post a week ago. A friend of mine has been dating like crazy since he got divorced two years ago. A couple of weeks ago, he started dating somebody new, and on the second date, she told him that she has herpes. Another friend and I both tried to talk him out of seeing her again, but we just couldn't convince him. If he had read your post, it might have made a difference.

I understand the yuck factor, but the truth of the matter is that as much as 80% of the sexually active population is infected with either type 1 or type 2, and many of them don't even know they have it (asymptomatic, but still contagious), so they do not take precautions. I think you are in a pretty good position to make a decision since you have educated yourself. Kudos to this girl for being honest with you.

yeah that girl is stand up for saying that. i say hang with her if you like her.

haven't you seen those valtrex commercials where everyone's having a great time going skiing or river rafting? that sounds pretty awesome to me.

The person you should be talking to is the local family planning clinic. They will give you the skinny on the chances of getting infected from someone who is in the early stages of the disease and experiencing frequent outbreaks. That is what happens during the first couple of years - frequent outbreaks - which means she is in the most contagious stage of the disease - so these low stats people are quoting don't apply to her. Typically outbreaks reduce greatly in frequency over the years, thus you are less contagious after having the disease long term.

And again I will say this. If Valtrex and condoms worked so great, genital herpes as a disease would be on the decline since no one new would be getting infected. Obviously condoms and Valtrex don't work all so great since new infections are still occurring.

For all you people who are condoning CASUAL sex with a girl who just picked up herpes (so she is in the most infectious stage of the disease). Ask this...........

IF you ask someone who has Herpes, and said to them, 'if you could go back in time, and undo the sexual partner that gave you this disease?' How many of them do you think would say, 'It was totally worth it'.

Herpes I and Herpes II are two totally different things. Herpes I is cold sores, which infects most people. Even little kids have this from getting smooched on by relatives. This is the type of Herpes that infects the majority of the population. And rarely does Herpes I manifest itself to genital Herpes. Herpes II is the genital herpes that you want to avoid. And NO it does not infect the majority of the population and YES there are problems associated with it - you decrease your chances of getting laid since most people will run the other direction - you get to pay for a perscription of Valtrex long term which adds up even if you just have insurance copays - you get to experience outbreaks of painful sores on your genitals - if you are among the majority of americans that get cancer, this disease WILL raise its ugly head AGAIN while you are in chemo/radiation so with the puking and feeling like shit you will have continuous painful sores on your genitals for 6 months straight even with the help of VALTREX - when you have open sores it increases the chances that you will pick up HIV - for women who get pregnant during the first couple of years (someday you might have a wife who wants sex without a condom) after getting infected, there are pregnancy risks and increases cessarian risks.

Condoms and Valtrex do work pretty effectively--when used. By your logic AIDs should have been eradicated by now. People have unprotected sex. Partners cheat and bring STDs into previously clean sexual relationships. Many, many folks are blissfully ignorant that they're even contagious. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the spread of herpes.

I am really happy you have done your research and are looking for some advice.

I feel like you have already made the choice to try to make this relationship work. So, give it a try! You said she's a dream, and as long as you feel that way, give it a shot. I think it has a good chance to succeed if you both stay as committed as you are now!


Hope this helped!

Valtrex only reduces the number of outbreaks. However, even the commercial from the 'honest' (and I mean that sarcastically) drug company has the disclaimor that you should not have sex during and outbreak. The problem is she is in the first years and despite Valtrex she will have lots of outbreaks and she is also very conagious before the outbreak actually manifests itself into visiable blisters.

Second, assuming condoms are so affective agaisnt this disease, this girl has already proven herself sexually irresponsbile......she was having unprotected sex. So you think she is going to be responsble in the future? Everyone thinks she is great since she fessed up to the STD. My gut feeling is she is irrepsonsible, and only fessing due to temporary feelings of remorse and self pity. If I picked up herpes, I think I would be taking a little more time than 3 months to reflect/stew over the reprucussions of my actions.

Using your logic. You would have casual sex and trust a condom with a known HIV positive ppartner. Trust technology and do as you wish. Anyway the meds are so good these days, it barely affects your quality of life? Just a mere inconvenience of popping a few pills.