My Boyfriend and his troubles

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read about my problems!!!!

First of all, let me give you some background...I am 21, my boyfriend is 20, he works full time, I work part time and am at university. I sleep at his house but go to my parent's home everyday.

So, the problem is:

a) he's a very pessimistic guy, always moaning about his job, he works in a call centre and literally does nothing half of the day. I understand that after 3 years working at the same place it gets a bit boring...he's trying to send some resumes and attending a few interviews but when he is rejected he gets depressed and starts saying that life is too difficult etc....

b) he is utterly hooked with poker!! he prefers staying inside playing poker instead of going out with me. I am sure that he prefers spending money on poker than having a romantic evening with me. We had a lot of fights about poker, and he is always promising that this is the last 10 euros he will play. I don't believe him anymore.

c) he is always broke. He has about two loans, two credit card payments etc. and ends up borrowing money from me at the end of the month. We do not go out because of the money issue and he is always saying that he spends too much money because of me as if we don't go out I get a bit angry.

d) at the beginning of our relationship I was a lot more willing to participate in bed, but now I am becoming more and more reluctant, and he obviously complains about that too. According to him, normal couples have sex everyday of the week...I mean twice in a week I think would be enough!

e) And we fight a lot...he sometimes becomes aggressive also. And also sometimes when we fight about something he did wrong, he finds a way to turn everything around and make it seem as it is my fault...

That's about it. Now I do the best I can, he also gave me his pay so that I can manage it for him. However sometimes I feel under appreciated and taken for granted as I have a lot of things to manage in my life, and he is complicating things. I wanted a boyfriend so that he could offer me peace of mind and so that I could enjoy myself with him...I always say maybe next month will be better but next month comes and its the same story all over again.

The only advice I need is if I am making a big deal out of it or if it is really a big deal, and if I keep trying with him or just leave him!

Thanks!!

What do you like about him?

When he is happy, I like his company, we share great jokes, we have the best time together! I wish he was always in that mood!

So he's miserable, can't handle money, prefers to spend his time playing poker rather than being with you? So why are you still with him? Do you enjoy being a victim? Leave him. NOW

Yeah, I've been in situations like that. They don't get any better. If you're not happy now, things will probably only get worse. He's not responsible with money and he's using you! Tell him to shape up or your leaving, if you don't see a huge improvement quickly, get out of that relationship. He will only bring you down.

He's addicted to online poker- he isn't "hooked"

a. working at a call center is a pretty tough job. just think of all the naggy, whiny, pissed off customers he deals with on a daily basis. i would never 'earn' money that way, i'd be miserable! have a little empathy for him.

b. so what, he likes poker. everybody has a hobby or something they enjoy. why are you trying to take that away from him? if you try to isolate him, he will end up resenting you. on the other hand, if he has a gambling addiction, you have a right to be concerned. otherwise, if you want to go out more together, you should pick something you both enjoy.

c. it doesn't sound like he's blowing all his money away. he's got a house, he's making payments on loans and credit cards. stop being so selfish and realize that he has some responsibilities. just because he isn't spending money on you doesn't mean you have a right to be selfish. if you don't like lending him money, then don't lend him any. i'd assume he pays you back, in which case, there's really no reason for you to be upset.

d. sex is a big part of every relationship and he has a reason to be upset at you for holding out on him. it sounds like you're 'whipping' him by not having sex when you're angry and that's pretty manipulative. otherwise, maybe you just have a low sex drive and that's an incompatibility issue.

e. fights are full of anger, accusation, and emotion. instead of asking how you can win the argument, ask how you can find a solution without 'violent' dramatic communication. in long term relationships, both people need to have a sense of humor. there's no need to get all choked up over things. i think you just need to have a little more empathy and respect, and if you have a sense of humor about the issues, it would be easier to approach him without sounding condescending.

i think your issue is a little deeper than anything you've mentioned yet. you've become fixated on everything about him that you see as a 'flaw'. why are you doing this? are you not happy with him? are you bored? does he really need a complete change in behavior for you to be happy with your relationship? you need to reflect and explore your own thoughts critically, because it seems like your problem is intrinsic.

Babsetta, I'm sorry to hear about this.. I know it's a hard situation to be in. The main questioning that stands out in my mind is: have things always been like this? is he naturally a person that stresses and laments about life's problems, or is he is generally happy and this is a particularly rough period? I think there's a big difference between those two situations.

If he has always been the way you described, the two of you may just be incompatible and you may be happier with someone else. If his behaviour is situational, then maybe you should try and work things out with them, if you believe the relationship is worth saving.

Good luck honey, making a decision on what to do is Step 1, so once you do this, you can start working towards which ever direction you decided to go

Re-read your post and pretend you were reading someone else's post. I'm sure your response would be to the post
'All they are doing is complaining and not saying one good thing about the relationship. Then they ask us if they should stay?'

IF you love being miserable (and you are sounding a bit like a miserable negative person right now, so maybe this is your dream relationship), by all means STAY.

-- Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will never change. --