Farewell, but not goodbye
I met a woman last April (2010), cannot really say how we met (not relevent in any case) and we became very close friends over the period until last November (2010) when she returned back to her home country.
It was on the cards since August, and I was preparing myself for it, not well enough it turns out. You may prepare your head, but your heart is something much different.
Anyway when we said farewell it was hard, the final 20 minute walk from her house into town was the one time in my life where I felt completely numb (obviously family members dying left a numbness but in a different way)
I was numb down to my very soul, I could not concentrate for days it left me unsettled and very nasty to friends, colleagues and family - all of which I deeply regret but such was my state.
Over the next days I managed to calm myself somewhat, but then I received a first text then email from her, in which it had the heart breaking line "I will miss you very much" - that did it for me I have to say. An all time low
Then gradually as her emails came in, I began to feel better although I had the overwelming feeling that I needed to see her.
I decided in December to visit her home town, for a holiday -to clear my mind from everyday issues- but also to see her (although I did not suggest it, she said she would like to show me around) I spent 5 of my 7 days (in parts) with her and it made me feel free again. The last time we said goodbye at the Bahn station was nice and once again I felt free, as though I had lifed something from myself and importantly my heart. I was all set to go home with renewed freedom and mood lifted.
Then I got stuck for 4 more days between airport and hotel thanks to the cancellations caused by the weather, as you can imaging being confinded on my own for such a long time in the same place, messed with my mind and made me revert back to previous feelings for her.
I am now really very unsettled again, thoughts of her all the time. We are only friends, albeit very, very good ones and are still in regular email contact.
If there was a chance at love I would leave my life behind and move to be closer to her (as it is my fathers home country and I inteded to move there at some point anyway) but I cannot be sure she feels the same and any talk from me of love may cause her to be lost as a friend and I most certainly don't want that as she is a good friend to me.
Sorry to go on and bore you all, just writing it is a weight from my mind!
Any advice etc would be greatfully received.
