Help, Im confused lost and helpless
So last night we had some friends overfor a party, one of them the girl i want to ask about. I've known her since i was 6 althogh after i turned 8 she moved to a country town which i moved to three years ago now. Anyway back to the story, her me and my sister were just talking my sister then decides to go on her computer for awhile. I myself being a mmo player I wanted to go on my computer, although after my sister left she stopped me. Then we kinda mucked around a little and we end up kissing, it was my first kiss but it wasnt just a kiss it was a full on pash. I had always been attracted to thi girl but I knew i wasnt good enough for her, I have never had a girlfriend, and im not paticulary ugly, and I am fairly fit, although I am quite a video gamer. I had never made a move on her before, and didnt expect this but it made me so happy. She also began stimulating me, and i was feeling her chest. I had never even been this close to a girl and I reather enjoyed it although we stopped there and soon she had to leave. Today I was texting her and I told her that i would like to go to a moovie with her, she said she would love to but to no tell anyong because she is not my girlfrind but a "friend with benefits" she did admit to me she can be a bit slutty, although i would never of expcted her to be. Ive always though ive had feeling for another girl but this is not the same, I actually dont want to be "friends with benfits" I just want to show her how much I loved her I dont care about anything else, and I am really worried that she dosent actually love me and that I will never be good enough, its as if i want to throw myself infront of a truck because it would be less painfull than not having her, but if i confess to her she might not like me at all. I dont know what to do and I know that if she dose not agree with how i feel I wont be able to live with the pain. I thoguht I knew what love felt like because i thought i felt for another girl but it was a illusion of what i thought and wanted to be love but this feels differnt its as if id jump from a building just to be with her, I cant even think of not being with her, and if I was without her i dont think i could live like that, but i cant go on without missing a perfect cahnce which i will always regret. Im so confused and this is so hard i dont know what to do. Whithout her I feel like a dog without a owner and I am nothing, it feels as is she is my reason to be with her, I dont even care about my video games anymore, all i can do is think of her and worry about not being good ebough for her and never being her lover, I just want to hold her in my arms and give her anything she wants, i dont even care for my own feelings i just want her to be happy.
Im sorry if this is confusing or dosent make scense, but its how it seems for me too. I cant think strait or dont know what to do, we are both 16 turning 17 this year. I dont want to look like a idiot but this is all i can think off somone help please:(
