Please....so heartbroken!!!!!

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15-01-11, 10:09 PM
bonekkalinda

Please....so heartbroken!!!!!

Okay, so here I begin with my personal story. I met a guy about 9 months ago, everything was great or so I thought!!! Until everything changed one day, he was flirting with another girl on Myspace. Okay so he admitted to it, I let it slide, because I caught so many feelings for him, and I fell in love. I bent over backwards for him. He was my world, I thought about him constantly, dreamed about him, needed him, just wanted him. He of course said that he loved me, and was in it because he really cared, and we talked about the future, about having babies, getting married, living together, I mean everything. Then things started happening, I noticed that he still had his ex gf as a friend on Facebook, mind you they were in a 4 yr relationship, and when he made the account, they weren't even together, but he added her, and all of these girls from his past, were hitting him up, and calling him love, I mean he would reply to them. I mean I thought I was his girlfriend , I thought I was the one he loved....he said it all the time. We would get into arguments , non stop and I would cry all the time while still loving him, because I felt something for him that I have never felt for any other man. It gets worse, come to find out, he lied about lot of things, like his job position, place of birth, about his mom getting into a car wreck(I mean who would actually say there mom got into a serious car accident, just to say it). He lied a lot....it makes me want to cry just thinking about. Then the night came, where I called him and let it all out, all of my fustration, I was crying so much, I was so hurt, and I blew up his spot. Instead of being a real man, he hung up the phone on me, never called me nor text me, nor saw me again. He left me dry with me being in love with him. With no answers. So time passed and like two months...I was on AIM, and I saw he was on, so I wanted to make him hurt a bit...and said "GOING OUT WITH MY BOO" , which mind you I don't have a man and I am still not over him, so he responds and says to me on an instant message " HAVE A GREAT LIFE WITH YOUR BOO", I text him and he says I am dead to him, that I never loved him, that he is hurt. WTF???? Like seriously after all he did, and leave me dry like that, he only responds because he thought I had a man, it doesn't make sense. I am so hurt, I still cry and breakdown, I don't even look at any other man like that, I am not over him, I still love him. What am I to do??? He is blaming everything on me now. He doesn't call me or anything....omg, what did I do to deserve this. Why me....I try talking to my family and friends...but I need other input....I am hurting, please give me advice, please. I am so sick because of the break up. Oh yeah, I forgot to add, when we were dating I lived in hour away from him by car, I moved to the same city, where he lives right now, and he broke up with me right before I moved. It doesn't make sense.....gosh ='(.
15-01-11, 11:35 PM
Aniphilia

It is a train wreck your in and no amount of 'feelings' are going to bring him back. Do the sensible thing and emit what we like to call 'no contact'. not only does it help you get on with YOU but it makes you mysterious to anyone else, including him. And believe me girl to girl and many a guy will tell you, that mysterious is what you want to be. Forget the Boo talk. You have to grasp your intelligence and honor NOW. Do not have someone making you feel something you are not!!! Pull yourself up and be the woman that you want to be, in this you will attract what you want. Your inner dialogue has got to be positive. Thoughts become things and you want what is best for you. Not only will this show that poor pathetic man what he's missing out on(and he willl find out) but you will have overcome all of this turmoil and put yourself on a level that will gain you independence and attraction to the next possible love of your life.

We are all in an experience at some time or another. Let the past sleep and in that you will find something you know not now but in hindsight will laugh till morning at the thought of his actions and motives.
16-01-11, 12:19 AM
londonlad1

If i'm honest, it seems as though you have some insecurity issues. Everything was great at the start because there were boundaries, but as you got closer you felt as though you could share your insecurities with him. You say you were constantly thinking about him, even dreaming about him. Your relationship with him became an obsession and people can't handle that. It doesn't matter who you are or how well you mean to be, people naturally retract away from people that cause an intense amount of pressure. This causes people to lie, they're placed in a position where they feel as though they have to prove their independence. The cycle continues, your insecurities get worse, you confront him (maybe not directly, but people can pick up on these things) which makes him retract further, which makes your insecurities worse etc.

The last straw for him was you 'exploding'. The fact is, in the frame of mind you're in you think your pain and frustration is completely rational but it's not. It's slowly developed to this point, you've become powerless to see the situation in a rational light. This is commonly seen in people that are insecure. It was never about your frustration, it was about a reaction. You didn't get the reaction you wanted so you were left feeling lost. You make a fateful mistake of contacting him over AIM, again, purely for a reaction. You can't honestly crucify yourself for being so hurt when you are essentially playing a game.

I think you need to first begin to focus on having respect for yourself. No one will respect you if you don't.
16-01-11, 03:50 AM
red_sparrow

WHY do I see this ALL the time? (Both from men and women... )

"I needed him so much.. he was my world.. we were soul mates.. I would die for him... -insert more corny phrases here)

CHRIST.. have your own life. That's what a healthy relationship is. The more I look at it, the more I see that crazy 'in love' types are usually in love with liars, womanizers, etc.. I'm starting to think it's because a real honest man presents his flaws right away..
16-01-11, 08:31 AM
bonekkalinda

You don't understand nor will you ever, so stop!!!
16-01-11, 09:05 AM
SelflessnHumble

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I met a guy about 9 months ago, everything was great or so I thought!!!
Until everything changed one day, he was flirting with another girl on Myspace. Okay so he admitted to it, I let it slide
needed him

Right off the bat: He seems like a liar who has a dual personality thing going on.
With you he's one way...away from you he's another. 2nd, you never "need" someone.
It makes you sound dependent on his attention.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then things started happening, I noticed that he still had his ex gf as a friend on Facebook, mind you they were in a 4 yr relationship, and when he made the account, they weren't even together, but he added her, and all of these girls from his past, were hitting him up, and calling him love, I mean he would reply to them. I mean I thought I was his girlfriend , I thought I was the one he loved....he said it all the time.

More lying: by omission is still lying.
Ask yourself WHY does he need a female friend (who just happens to be his ex) in his life?
Keeping the dialog open is begging for trouble. Usually people do this for the "what if" scenario he meets up with her.

Look, I can tell you that a mature man wouldn't have ex girlfriends flirting, pining over him/calling him love.
A shallow man who needs the attention of the opposite sex does. You still don't know why he keeps in touch, and without knowing you cannot assume the reasoning behind it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We would get into arguments , non stop and I would cry all the time while still loving him

Arguments are indicative of people who want to avoid being held responsible and held accountable for their actions period.
If he invalidates your concerns -he doesn't love you nor respect you period end of story.
How you approach him though makes all the difference in the world. If you approach a man emotionally out of control
spitting out irrational outbursts no one in their right mind would want to talk it out with you so always approach the person
you have a disagreement with humble and without expectations.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

he lied about lot of things, like his job position, place of birth, about his mom getting into a car wreck(I mean who would actually say there mom got into a serious car accident, just to say it). He lied a lot

It's understandable that you feel hurt and upset. However you've been presented with the truth: he is a pathological liar.
It's a deal breaker for any serious/commitment based relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Instead of being a real man, he hung up the phone on me, never called me nor text me, nor saw me again. He left me dry with me being in love with him. With no answers. So time passed and like two months

Let me tell you something here...YOU pushed him away with your concerns and I suspect it was due to the way you did it.
He hung up because he felt cornered and defenseless (even though it was probably the truth)
Even though he hung up: You didn't make any attempt to bounce the ball back and to reestablish communication
with him which means you are just as much to blame here as he is! He didn't leave you high and dry.
YOU pushed him away AND you didn't even feel compelled to apologize for what you did.

To psychologically explain this:
He lies to you. Hides his verbal cheating with his exes from you. I get that. It isn't right.
You both argue with each other (before the phone call) yet you didn't talk to him face to face when you
"let it all out" to tell him how what he did made you feel. -Big mistake. A phone can just be hung up, right?

However you missed the dynamics here.
He was the one who should have apologized to you for what he did to you first (the constant lying)
BUT you completely changed the dynamic when you flew off the handle. Since you did this:
You should have apologized to him for what you did but you chose not to.
This means you allowed him to remove himself from the relationship due to your actions on the phone. See?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So I wanted to make him hurt a bit...and said "GOING OUT WITH MY BOO" , which mind you I don't have a man and I am still not over him, so he responds and says to me on an instant message " HAVE A GREAT LIFE WITH YOUR BOO"

So now you are going to fight lying with: MORE LIES?????
This behavior is immensely immature and doesn't help you in any way... in fact you made it worse and possibly irreparable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonekkalinda [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I text him and he says I am dead to him, that I never loved him, that he is hurt. WTF???? Like seriously after all he did, and leave me dry like that, he only responds because he thought I had a man, it doesn't make sense. I am so hurt, I still cry and breakdown, I don't even look at any other man like that, I am not over him, I still love him. What am I to do??? He is blaming everything on me now.

(1) Texting and communication via the phone is useless in this situation. Face to face or: this is what happens.
(2) He is hurt because maybe, just maybe he doesn't view a girl calling him "love" as anything since HE didn't say it back.
-From the outside in -it looks like you are emotionally unstable and don't know how to communicate your feelings without
stepping on his integrity...then you expect him to admit what he did wrong? When I don't see anything seriously wrong
that couldn't have been solved with some communication face to face.

(3) You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and curb your hurt and level the playing field by meeting him face to face...
And then you need to one by one address the issues starting with the most recent:

-You don't have a BF and wanted to intentionally hurt him by saying "boo" (in which you succeeded)
-Next you have to apologize (again) this time for getting out of line on the phone and acting emotionally irrational.

Once these two issues have been settled and dealt with...
THEN it is your turn and identify what issues you have trouble dealing with.

-Start (not with the girls, he will get defensive right away) but start with the lying about his mother and other things.
Don't push, don't press and don't expect answers that you will understand/agree with. You asked, let him answer.

If you don't know how to be calm and approachable let me know because I can help with this.

-Last, integrate the reasoning why he lied about the other things into your next and final question:
"When we were together, I never surrounded myself with my ex BF's and would NEVER tolerate any of them
(if I did) to call me "love" "sweetie" or "babe" out of respect for YOU and your role as MY boyfriend....
Why would you allow this?"

Then be patient and see what he tells you. Whatever he says (when he admits it) do NOT
take a dump on his feelings because this is how he feels and respecting this means you don't insult him in any way.
His answer could mean: You two aren't meant for one another and that you need someone who gives all of his time,
attention and effort on is woman, not his exes (and this is reasonable) unless he has an established friendship BUT then again: calling him "love" doesn't bode well for his case...While it was she who said it: he should have told her to politely stop.

He has you to call him love, right?

He doesn't call me or anything....omg, what did I do to deserve this. Why me....I try talking to my family and friends...but I need other input....I am hurting, please give me advice, please. I am so sick because of the break up. Oh yeah, I forgot to add, when we were dating I lived in hour away from him by car, I moved to the same city, where he lives right now, and he broke up with me right before I moved. It doesn't make sense.....gosh ='(.[/QUOTE]