This girl means so much to me and I want to make things right again...
For the past few months (since about late September) I've been talking to this girl that is without question the most incredible girl I've ever met. I know phrases like that get thrown around a lot when it comes to guys falling for girls but I mean it with the utmost sincerity. She's my dream girl come to life. Now, this isn't to say she's perfect or without her faults, but she is perfect to me in the sense that I wouldn't change a thing about her and that she's all I've ever wanted, or ever could want, in a girl.
What's more is that in these past few months, she's shown signs of being interested in me too. If I'm reading things correctly that is. She's said "you're amazing" to me several times (like, seven different instances) as well as calling me "hilarious" and "cute" and "clever" and saying things like "aw, you're neat" and so on and so on. She's mentioned before wanting to hang out together (we have before but it was with other people). She means just the two of us getting together when she's mentioned it. On top of all of that, I got her a stuffed animal for her birthday (of a cat since she loves cats a lot) and she's told me twice before that she sleeps with it every night and that it was "the best thing she ever received".
But like an utter idiot I never made an actual move. Or rather, I never asked her on an actual date. Why? Because I stupidly thought it'd be better to wait for when the two of us are hanging out and then make a move like holding her hand or something. I wanted to show her face to face that I have feelings for her before asking her on an actual date. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. And I'm kicking myself for it now. Because due to our busier schedules with school in October/November (we go to different colleges) we never did find the time to just hang out together with just the two of us.
So here's the deal. Starting around the beginning of Christmas break (the 16th of December for us) she got a lot less talkative. Well, the 17th really. Because on the 16th we talked and I wished her good morning and good luck on her last final to which she replied "aw thank you!". We texted a little after she was finished and it went pleasantly, I even made her laugh pretty hard a couple times (If her "hahahahahahahahahahahaha" texts were any indication). And that's another thing - she'd always laugh at my jokes, even the stupid, lame ones.
Anyway, the conversation ends and I go on with my day. The next day I text her just saying hi and get no response. No biggie. It's happened before. So I go on my way. I send her another one a couple days later and get no response. A little worried now but again, I didn't think a lot of it. So I try again the next day and still nothing. So I let it go a few days and try again. Nothing. After that I just went an entire week without sending anything. Now, I know her phone was on her and that it was working, so it wasn't a simple case of "didn't get the text".
Now, during this two week period she did respond to some online messages via Tumblr. I left her a jpg file of a Christmas card I made in Photoshop for her in her "ask box" (like a Formspring) on Tumblr and she wrote back saying "awwwwwwwwww. thank you thank you thank you! Merry Christmas! =)". Definitely not the reaction I'd expect out of someone wanting to avoid you or someone mad at you. So I felt better after that but still was a little cautious. So I held off on any more texts until a few days after Christmas. I got ahold of her via iChat and asked her what'd been up. She said she'd been meaning to text me and was bad about texting people back lately. I figured it was best not to press it any further so I just accepted that and moved on with the conversation. (It was casual, nothing else was mentioned regarding the silence).
We texted again on New Year's Eve, and had a nice conversation. She wished me a happy new year, as I did her, and we ended up saying goodnight/sweet dreams to one another (as we often do) And so it kinda goes on like this. In the first week of this month she and I texted a bit back and forth one day and it was pleasant, felt like usual. But there were more messages that went un-replied to as well. So one night on Tumblr she makes a post saying something to the effect of "If someone wants to come watch a movie with me and hold my hand, I'd be okay with that". I replied that I was "on my way", but it was a half-joke since it was late and I was kind of far away at the moment. She wrote back telling me she'd be in a town near us tomorrow vinyl shopping and told me to "be there".
Sadly, she texts me saying she woke up too late and rescheduled it to another day that week. So the morning of, she texts again telling me she woke up sick and won't be able to make it, and apologizes sincerely for being so hard to hang out with. Fine by me, I guess. Disappointment but it's fine, things happen. We don't talk much the rest of the week, but not out of being upset, just business wrapping up break. Anyway, the last day of break I send her a message saying I hope she has a safe drive back to school and that I hoped her break was good. She replied saying "aw, thank you =)" and so we talk a bit about our upcoming semesters. She seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say or what I was studying, and acted just like normal when we talk.
And yet, that's the last time I've spoken directly to her. Sort of. The morning after that I sent her a message wishing her a good morning and a nice start to her semester. (Which I've done before, good morning texts that is) No reply. Worried me a bit but no big deal I guess. So the week goes on, and I hear nothing from her. I get worried and start relaying this whole story, more or less, to some friends for advice. They tell me she's probably less talkative and distant because it's been a while now since I met her (relatively) and since I haven't made a move yet or asked her out she thinks I'm not interested and is focusing less time on me because she thinks I don't want her.
So last night I decide to call her up and ask her on a date, straight out. Especially since she made a post the night before about having not been on a date in forever. I get voicemail, so I leave a message asking her to call me back when she gets a chance. I got no response all day. Although, the night before I called her, I posted a list of my "Tumblr crushes" (your most "liked" and interacted with blogs) and she was #2 and she "liked" it and replied to the post with a " =) " She also "liked" a Facebook status of mine. Not things I'd expect out of someone mad at you or not wanting to draw your attention to them.
So yeah. No return call from her all day today. I get worried again. So then I notice she posted something about a favorite professor of hers dying. Now, this happened in the evening so it was after she would've noticed the voicemail. So I send her a quick message, because I felt it would be the right thing to do, telling her I was sorry to hear about his death and that I hoped she was feeling okay. She replies to this thanking me and mentioning how sad it is. I replied back, just offering a hug if she needed it. (I've done this before when she was feeling down and it always seemed to cheer her up) No reply to that, but understandably so. She's got more important things to deal with. So all that considered, I can understand her not wanting to talk much. But since it only happened in the evening, it wouldn't have been something bothering her all day to the point where she wouldn't want to call back.
So I dunno what to do now. I feel like I should back off a few days and let her deal with this. It's not my business anyway. But I also want to know just what is going on. It's been just a month now I guess, that this silence has been going on but it feels like a lot longer. It seems like a long time for someone who you're close to to just up and start ignoring you. But I don't know. Did I do something wrong? What's wrong here? Nothing bad happened between us at all and in fact, the week before this all started, she was acting more talkative than usual, texting/IMing me first just to say hi and chat, whereas I'm usually the one to start conversations. (Not that she didn't start them on occasion too though). It went from things seeming perfect to this.
I'm just worried right now. Scared, and anxious. It's hard not knowing what's going on and I'm just afraid I've done something to upset her or alienate her. But I don't know. This girl means so much to me. She's helped me sort a lot of things out that I've been dealing with these past few months and makes me feel amazing all in all. She makes me feel like I can be someone better than I am; like I'm capable of change I never felt capable of before. She just inspires me in so many ways and I can't think of anyone I would rather be with. No one I'd rather share life with. And I don't want things to end like this. She has no idea that I feel this way, so I guess she doesn't know what this is doing to me. But it seems like she'd make some effort to let me know what's up.
Because she is a genuinely sweet, caring girl with a heart of gold and one of the kindest, most patient souls I've ever met. And that's just one of the many things about her that amazes me. I've been in a lonely, self-destructive, apathetic place lately and ever since I met her I've been freed of that mindset. She's helped me so much and doesn't even know it. And I want more than anything to be with her. But just as I'm ready to step things up, all this happens. It's got me confused and worried and I have no idea what to do. I miss the way she can brighten up every day just by saying hi. I miss how we'd almost always end up saying goodnight to one another and going to bed knowing such an amazing girl is in my life and cares for me.. It might seem like I'm worked up a lot here but maybe it's because the last time I liked a girl a lot, she drifted from me out of the blue as well. Granted she didn't talk to me AT ALL then, unlike this girl, and it was after I asked her out and she said yes (it never happened) but still...
I just can't stop wondering what happened, or if she misses me at all; what she's thinking, etc. I just miss her So please, any help would be very much appreciated. I'm sorry this is such a long, wordy story. But I had to get it all out.
