suffering deep!

For a long time I was a member of a chat called "izicams.com". It was a worldwide chat where people can comunicate about everything and nothing. There is where I met Saf in the beginning of December 2008. She popped out of knowhere like most people did on that chat. She lived all the way in Canada.We started talking and it clicked. But being carefully in the beginning. But, it clicked and we started talking more and more and more!

Although we were carefull , we decided to meet each other for 10 days in March, all the talking we did felt good and from this came that, we fell in love! Even though she has 5 kids, I didn't care, I wanted to be with her and be with her kids. All the talking we did felt like it was needed for both of us. Saf warned me that it can be overwhelming, her knowing where I came from. But I had my mind set on her, it was destiny that we were about to meet.

We met each other the 25th of March 2009. Get this, I Never flown before, NEVER aranged a trip and NEVER made such a big journey and there I went! Being on the airport was huge and many times I asked myself "what am I doing"? LOL! Arriving in Canada was good although the customs give me a HARD time! It was a long day full of nerves, airplanes, clouds, lots of people, and bad seats (my legs are to long!) The meeting was a bit with nerves but it felt good, all the talking we did before we met was a bless! the 10 days with her and the kids was a dream. I was in love and she was in love!

After our ten days we decided to meet each other again. I stayed a week in Holland prepairing my trip back to Canada. And there I went again, back to Canada, back to Saf. and the kids, and this time for 6 months! (don't worry, I knew again what I was doing, I think, the love kept me going!)

The 6 months was again GOOD! Alot of things happened. The first ten days I met Saf you could see as a shorth holiday. The 6 months I actually was living with her and the kids. I learned so many things in these 6 months, ofcourse I had my ups and downs, cause most of the things were absolute new for me. I was taking care of kids, (never done that) I have been called 'Daddy' (woot!) I had a relationship (never had one) being in a far land far from home. (never experienced that) The list is endless.

I asked Saf to mary me, just before I had to go back to Holland, so out of the blue, and she said YES! We had little talks over our future and we made both the decision that I will return to Holland for a month and then return back to Canada for good. I wanted for her to come over in Holland to help me out with the moving to Canada! But she couldn't afford the trip. My Dad helped her out, cause I wanted her in Holland. The Month in Holland did Saf good! She brought her 3 year old with her. It was 4 weeks of exploring my Country and my town. Ofcource we were busy aswell with selling my personal belongings and closing my house.

The 4 weeks were short but it was good! The moment Saf and Ab (the 3 year old son) met my Dad was special, although the day before we returned to Canada we had to say goodbye to Dad. That was hard and emotional! It was good to be back In Canada, this is what we both wanted! being together and being happy! Being together again and reunited with the kids felt like the last 6 months. We just picked up where we ended a month ago.

A half (hectic) year later...

In the 2 years I lived in Canada we moved already twice, and at the moment we are living in Barrie Canada, in a huge house. It is needed cause of the 5 kids. Recently we invited some people over to live with us (renting a room it's called) The people are a Mother and her 3 year old daughter plus a 21 year old girl (A girlfriend from one of the daughters) With so many people in a house it's not easy to have a private time with the family or just me and Saf. I sometimes struggled with that and had arguess and issues towards her. Me having lack of experience with relationships came sometimes floating over. Saf was the first woman ever I started a relationship with.

My behaviour was because of the lack of attention from her towards me. I focused to much of the 'us' moment, just a nice time together as a Family, or just me and Saf. We have a house full of people. 3 daughters and 1 Son plus 3 guests and then me and Saf, that makes 9. And everyone needs there attention. I know it's not easy for Saf either. I was asking for so now and then a talk or a night out, just a little being together. But she couldn't do much about it, and sometimes she just had to ignore my request. We had sometimes our 'us' moment, but, for me it wasn't enough. It felt like she spended more time with others, specially Tam, the other Mother. (So what) Like I said it's difficult with 9 people in a house. I called her sometimes a strawberry-cake, cause everyone wants a piece, everyone wanted to be with her...

I had sometimes my burst outs what she didn't like. (What I understood) Just because the lack of our private moments. It felt like she ignored me. Or was I wrong? I don't know, I struggled alot with our relationship. It was my first ever relationship and I loved her so much. Everything was new, her talking to other people made me feel akward, if she took to long if she was out for grocery or other things made me missing her. These akward moments were in the very first start. (what was I thinking!) later on I realized that I had to stop with these silly things! And slowly these akward moments started to fade away. But new moments came up again, and I thought I learned from my mistakes. There all signs of lack of experience.

I had to get used to so many new things in my first relationship, I knew it would be difficult. I became like her 6th kid, like my girl sometimes said. After a burst out or a little argue I always felt bad and then she was upset and sad. I wanted to solve it right away, with a talk but she refusses and ignored me. She wanted to calm down cause my argue or burst out made her upset. A few times I suprised her with expensive flowers, and other times with silly love notes or other suprises. I wish we both would have talked more about our problems, I think it was just not possible with a hectic house. I don't know.

I realize I was wrong. Still I thought she ignored me. But she didn't, Saf is a busy woman, she works and has a big family, she needs help from me. I needed to stop bugging her. The more I pushed her about a silly thing the further away she went. I had to let her be and listen to her. My job is to love her, was whining and bitching that she dont have enough time loving her? No! I had to find a job but it wasn't that easy, I needed help with that, and a firm kick in the butt!! At the moment it bothers that we never fought for our relationship. Saf wanted me to me more independed and find a proper job, and what I wanted was a bit more attention from her in the hectic house.I'm sure we could have both solved it. If there was an argue we ignored each other. Waited a few days and we were good again, until the next argue. I wish I could turn back that time.

I failed and screwed up many times. And now she is breaking up with me. I have to go back to Holland starting all over again. A new house, new furniture, everything a house needs. I still have some stuff here in Canada what has to be transported to Holland. Sigh! I wish I could turn back time, cause I know I can manich! I lived in a dream. Everytime Saf and I had a little argue about nothing, I woke up out of that dream and came back to reality, where I suppose to be, back on the ground with two feet, solid!

At the moment I'm back in Holland with no place to stay, they stopped my income, and I'm feeling alone... I'm at a camping in a small summerhouse, although it's nice and quiet here. I need to get living, I need to start my life. But it's hard very hard. I was part of a family and a lovely wife, now I'm alone and have to start over. it's tough to find a olace where I can live and perhaps grief. the 31th of January I have to leave this house. And still I don't know where....

tips, advices?