The Three A's of Relationship
Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I'm a psychologist and couples therapist (as well as family, adult and child therapist). The following article covers the basics for couples who have moved past the initial stage of falling in love. I'm hoping to get feedback on it to see if it's helpful. Please let me know what you think. If you like it, and want more, please feel free to visit my website, DrBochner.com
The Three A's of Relationship: Acceptance, Accommodation and Assertiveness
by Dr. Dan Bochner
Once you have fallen in love - that is, once you’ve become infatuated and obsessed with your partner - and once you start slipping into the less tumultuously blissful period of relationship in which you are relating within the pleasant but mundane context of the day to day routines of life, without even knowing it, you start a process of wonder in which you are deciding whether the individual with whom you’re spending so much time now is a person with whom you can spend a really long time, or perhaps even the rest of your life. Of course that typically happens without any real thought. In general, people don’t like to over-think things, and that’s good. Nevertheless, the way this process begins is profoundly important because it will set a pattern that will likely last for the duration of your relationship. If things go well, if you’re creating your relationship to last, you’ll be either naturally or intentionally making sure your relationship is based in the three A’s: Acceptance, Accommodation, and Assertiveness.
A good relationship is initially based in “chemical” attraction (perhaps “Attraction” should be a fourth “A”). We become infatuated with another and we literally want to be with them all the time. In fact, the process of falling in love follows a prevailing pattern of addiction (please see article, “The Dating Fantasy”), except that, within certain bounds, being “addicted” to another person while you’re falling in love is doubtlessly the norm. Once the powers of infatuation and desire inevitably simmer down, however, the natural workings of two personalities together begins to solidify into more enduring patterns. Those patterns will either make for lasting relatedness, or will dissolve the relationship. Relationships can dissolve due to a pattern of stagnation and entropy (boredom) or a pattern of mutually assured destruction (competition). These patterns of relating most importantly involve the yet to be discovered, but undeniable, differences and similarities between love partners.
A successful relationship is dependent on the presence of two whole people. That means things must be worked out. You know those couples that never argue? Most of the time, those couples are not very healthy. If two people are together constantly, and they never argue, then they are likely in a static pattern in which one of them is typically getting their way and the other is giving in. Although that is a kind of relationship that can last for a long time, it is amazing how often the partner who always gets their way grows bored of the relationship and figures out a way to get out. Of course it’s also common for the partner who rarely gets their way to grow dissatisfied and move to dissolve the relationship.
That things must be worked out is actually a good thing. In fact, a truly good relationship exists within the tension that is created between two people who find each other interesting and equal. To remain deeply engaged in a relationship, each person’s views must be considered important and valid. Because no two people are the same, those important and valid viewpoints will frequently differ. If two people do not differ enough, they will grow bored. It would be almost as if both people are one person. There can be no relationship if there is only one person. On the other hand, two people need be only sufficiently challenging to one another in their differences. Either too much difference, or more importantly, too little ability to accept the validity and importance of the other’s view, will lead to competition and the dissolution of the relationship.
For a love relationship to be healthy, then, partners need to see their differences and accept those that are tolerable. As part of that acceptance, there often must be accommodation. If one partner likes to engage in an activity that does not include the other partner, that must be allowed to the extent that it is feasible. If one partner likes to discuss an area of interest that does not naturally grab the interest of the other, the other certainly can try to find the topic intersting so that ideas can be shared. This process of acceptance and accommodation accordingly involves each partner negotiating their wants and needs in an assertive way (the three A’s). To be assertive, a person must take their own needs and desires seriously and then weigh them in the context of the entire situation and relationship. That is, one's own needs and desires should be assertively presented with knowledge of what is possible and fair given that one's partner’s needs and desires must also be considered.
Each partner therefore must weigh their love of the partner against those characteristics in their partner that are more or less difficult to tolerate. If one partner has a need that is not recognized by the other, the need should be stated. If one partner has difficulty tolerating a behavior or attitude of the other, that too can be stated. Whether needs, wants, and preferences are stated has to be considered within the context of understanding the effect such a statement would have on the partner. one's own level of need has to be weighed against the possible negative aspects of making the need known. If the need or preference is powerful enough, it should be stated even if the impact of stating it could cause significant conflict. If that need, desire or preference is strong enough to chance ending the relationship, it should be stated even if it might end the relationship. On the other hand, not everything needs to be stated. If a need, desire, or preference might hurt one's partner so much that it could be devastating to them, and one prefers to tolerate that need or preference without having it solved or even acknowledged because it is not important enough to cause that much pain, then, of course it should be tolerated and not stated. As partners, we decide to accept who our partner is and then accommodate them where necessary. We also expect them to accept us and accommodate us where necessary. If we love each other enough, this process should be easy, right?
So why does it seem to be so difficult? The fact is, people generally believe a few things that make the three A’s very difficult. For one, we believe that others should see things the way we do because we are “right.” We also expect others to do things the way we do them because we do things “right.” Of course, there are relatively few ways of seeing things or doing things that everyone agrees are “right,” so part of accepting and accommodating requires a commitment to thinking in more flexible ways. You may have noticed the word “preference” is used or inferred many times throughout this article. “Preference” is used so much within this article because most of what we think we need is merely an indication of what we prefer. Nevertheless, it tends to be very difficult to see what we think are needs as though they are preferences, so it is very difficult to commit ourselves to more flexible thinking. Although there are so many different personality types that it may seem silly to try to outline specific traits that generally give people trouble, there are two primary ways of being that are repeatedly exhibited in couples with communication problems.
Most commonly, when people are thinking they are “right” within their style (to such an extent that they have trouble with the three A’s), they are either especially obliging or especially authoritative. Obliging people often expect others to give to them as much as they give others, even though they give without others asking. That is, they don’t expect to have to ask for others to do for them since they don’t require others to ask of them. These individuals are sure that everyone should have a generous spirit and give willingly even with little suggestion that anything is needed. Obliging individuals try to anticipate the needs of others and meet those needs, sometimes even before the other realizes they may need something. Interestingly, the obliging person would never agree that they want anything from others. Believing that about themselves does not fit with their own idea that they are very generous and giving. But because they believe they are “right” in having such a generous spirit, they assume it would be “right” for others to anticipate their needs. Unfortunately, obliging people also do not argue that their needs should be anticipated because that, too, would not fit with the ideal of being generous and giving. However, if the obliging person can be shown that they’re working this way in relationship, they often can change and start asking for what they want. These individuals are often viewed by others as passive and need to become more assertive. In becoming more assertive, they often need to amplify the legitimacy of their own feelings and preferences so that others will become aware of those feelings and preferences.
The authoritative person generally believes things should be done a certain way and that they know how. Hesitancy in others is not understood as giving thought to how things should be handled, but instead is read as a lack of know-how in the other. Authoritative people tell people what they want and how they want things done. Because they are “right” they often expect things to be done a particular way without ever saying anything only because they believe it is obvious that things should be done the particular way they know. Authoritative people would never think they are infringing on others, or that their way of doing things could lead to disagreement. In fact, because they are “right” they generally see only that they are helping. Actually, authoritative individuals cannot understand why others become upset with them. While the obliging person borders on being passive, the authoritative person borders on being aggressive. Often they are perceived to be controlling. When the authoritative person does see how they are working in a relationship, however, and when others make it clear that their preferences are not being considered, the authoritative person can slow down the quickness with which they act and start to weigh the preferences of others more keenly. Because they are trying to help others with their know-how, the authoritative person generally cannot tolerate that they are hurting others. If others communicate that they’re hurt, the authoritative person can become quite motivated to change. The authoritative person generally must recognize that what they believe are needs or “have tos” are actually preferences. Authoritative people need to become more assertive, just like obliging people, but their assertiveness depends upon this ability to differentiate needs from preferences, and upon truly seeing the value of input and preferences within their partner.
The three A’s, acceptance, accommodation and assertiveness, are the hallmarks of a good relationship. If partners are to turn the natural chemistry of their initial relationship into an enduring love, they must accept one another’s differences, accommodate one another’s preferences, and assert their own preferences where important. Relationships are rarely, if ever, completely peaceful from the start. Because a healthy relationship requires two whole people, with totally different ways of looking at things, it is obvious that there will not always be agreement and there will often be some conflict. If two people love each other, however, growth and happiness spring from each individual recognizing the other as a whole human being. In communicating, each individual must truly weigh the needs and preferences of the other against their own, and a compromise must be met. Only by striking a balance between those needs and preferences, by working on understanding through the three A’s, can any relationship nourish itself, sustain growth and mature. If the right chemistry is there, however, and the three A's are utilized in developing sustained growth, a healthy love can last a life-time and yet never grow old.
