How do I let go? (Long read)

It all started a year ago. I was 17 and in a relationship for 9 months with a girl named Alex. She was younger than me and we had had a good share of major problem in our relationship. There was this girl in my class, Michelle. She, wasn't by traditionally a "hot" girl like a lot of teenage guys look for, but she always looked beautiful enough to catch my eye. From the first day that I saw her, I knew there was something special about her. Our class had started doing an online game called "Spill" which I stayed after school to work on with my gf accompanying me. I spent an hour on the game as people left one by one out of the computer lab. Finally my gf had to leave for the buses. I stayed to finish what I was doing and at that point there was only one other person left in the computer lab. The girl sitting directly behind me, the girl who had always caught my eye, asked me a question about what I was doing. I answered her and finished what I was doing. I am in no way the type of person to put myself out there starting a conversation with someone I don't know at all, but something inside me told me to talk to her. So I got my stuff and moved back a row, sat next to her and said "hey, how's it going?" And that was the start...
Over the next couple weeks, we started talking more and more. We got to the point where we were comfortable enough to exchange phone number. I would always make her get the cutest smile on her face. After a lot of talking, we started hanging out. I would go over to her house. She lived with relatives (i don't remember how they were related) but the little one, Gianni loved me. Every time I would go to her house, he wanted to be with us every second that I was there. She was becoming my best friend. I felt completely comfortable around her and I felt like I could tell her absolutely anything. She was perfect for me. She would sneak over to each other's houses and we would just lay on the couch cuddling, talking through the night. She was always there for me. One night in the middle of december, I had a panic attack, went out to the creek in my neighborhood that runs through the woods, stripped down to my boxers, and just sat int he snow and stared at the water,thinking. Two hours later she texted me asking if I was alright, and I told ehr where I was and what was wrong, and she drove to where i was, walked through the woods in the pitch dark to find me, and brought me back to my sense and brought me to her car and we drove around and talked. I was falling in love with her

Michelle had only had one bf before she met me. It was a year long long distance relationship with a guy named Bryce. She had never been kissed before and was reluctant to kiss a guy that was with another girl. Now, I never considered myself a cheater. I had always been the nice guy that doesn't get in trouble. The one that everyone loves and people always go to for advice. I never saw myself as the type of guy to cheat, but I was immature and I didnt know how to handle my situation. The girl I was with constantly told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and I couldn't work up the nerve to break up with her, but then there was this girl who seemed so perfect in every way and who I knew I loved.I would always get into little friendly wrestling matches with Michelle. i would try to kiss her and she would move her head, but she would let me kiss her on the cheek. I always asked her if it made her uncomfortable and she always said it was fine. This had gone on for 2 months. At some point early in that second month, me and alex got in a fight and decided to take a break. One of the days that week I was watching a movie with Michelle and we got into one of our wrestling matches, laughing and smiling and i tried kissing her, and she let me. The first one was just a peck but after a couple days, it started turning into passionate kisses. With every kiss, I was falling deeper and deeper for her, but somehow my relationship with Alex continued despite what my heart was begging for.

There's this memory that's engrained in my mind. There was a side street in her neighborhood where we used to sit in my car and talk. In January there was a big snow storm, but I wanted to be with her so we went to our usual spot. We were cuddling and talking in the back seat and we started kissing. We ended up with our clothes off, which is about as far as it got. But the thing I remember most about it. The windows were fogged and snow was covering the car. A small amount of light from somewhere outside was shining in. I was holding her in my arms as we talked, and our conversation got more serious. Looking right into her beautiful green eyes, I asked her to promise that nothing would change between us once I broke up with Alex. That if we dated 1.) i wanted to give it a little time before we made it official out of respect for Alex and that she wouldn't change. that she would keep being my best friend. She promised and kissed me. We lay there cuddling for a little longer and I eventually had to drive her home and then drive home in the blizzard.

Alex had been on vacation for a week in florida. I was still hanging out with Michelle and I hadn't had any contact with alex because she was busy. The day after she got back from vacation, I got a phone call from her, which I screened because I had been with Michelle watching a movie at my house. She left me an angry voice mail saying we needed to talk. I called her back and broke up with her. That was the start of the downhill spiral

From the day after I broke up with Alex, things with Michelle started to change. We were getting in occasional fights over little things. 2 weeks after I had broken up with Alex, me and Michelle decided to date despite our minor disputes. The beginning of the week, we got in a fight, the next day we got in a another fight and then the next day. 2 days after I had to go out of town on a trip that Alex was also going on. it was a competition for a school club that I had convinced her to join months before when we had been dating. During the competition, me and Alex got to talking about what had happened to cause our break up and about me and michelle. After a year and a month of dating and a bad ending to the relationship and me not thinking we gave each other a goodbye kiss. Not romantic in the least bit, I think we both did it for a bit of closure from the relationship. We got back to town and 2 days later I got into another Big fight with Michelle. I left her house in a rush and drove off. She called me and said it wasn't working out. I spent the next week texting michelle and Alex, getting in fights with both of them, and the cheating was a huge weight on my shoulders so I finally came out and told Alex I had cheated on her with Michelle. She asked for Michelles number because she wanted to talk to ehr and i gave it to her because I thought she deserved at least that much. Michelle told her what we had been doing and Alex told Michelle about our goodbye kiss. Needless to say, both Michelle and Alex were mad at me, but for whatever reason, Alex was still willing to be friends with me.

The next couple of months were rough. Michelle was in and out of school a lot. We started talking again though it was never the same as before. I still made her laugh but she didn't talk to me nearly as much as she used to and she would always be short with me. At that point, i was starting to think she was bi-polar. One day, she would hate my guts, and not be afraid to say so, and the next day she would be nice and talk to me like a friend. This went on for a while. One day, I asked her if I could take her to the nature preserve, because I knew she loved the outdoors. She agreed and I got her and drove her there. We walked along the path, talking. We got to a little alcove a mile down the trail. We sat down next to each other. We sat down talking calmly, she laid her head on my shoulder and was smiling and laughing. On the way back she put her hand in mine. the only time they separated is when I spotted something odd. I went off the trail because I saw a box stuffed under a tree trunk on a small hill next to us. I climbed up, she followed to look at what it was. i opened it to find a time capsule that a family had left there a year and a half ago.It was really sweet and it seemed like the first time since I had broken up with Alex that me and Michelle had really connected like we used too..2 days later, i was sitting in the library working on a project with her, and she "jokingly" said that she hated me and couldnt wait for the project to be over so she wouldn't ever have to talk to me again. Just another example of how i had no idea how she really felt.

One day, she just stopped showing up to school. She was out for two weeks. I only talked to her once, and she said she was in the hospital. I got worried enough that I drove to her house to see if she was alright. At that time, she was fine and was just in pain from her medical problem. i hung out and talked to her for a little while, which seemed to be going alright. Until She said she had to leave for dance when she once again tried to just shush me away. Her exact words were " Well you came to visit and now you can leave" So I left. She was in school the next week, and she was there for a week or two, and then she stopped showing up again. Day by day went by and she was never in. Days turned into months and i had completely lost contact with her. I saw her once outside of the office in late May, talking to someone, so I just turned and walked away. I saw her one last time in early June. She was in the hallway and brushed past my shoulder without saying a word. I never saw her again.

In the middle of July, I got a text saying "hey this is michelle remember me?". I got into a conversation with her, catching up on things. She had moved to Minnesota because of family problems and was living with her ex bf's sister, and working with him on his farm. It wasn't long before we started fighting again. We talked once every couple weeks over the summer, which usually ended in some kind of fight. Finally she told me off and said She didnt want to talk to me anymore sometime in August. I sent her one last long text, saying How i was sorry for everything. that I wished I had handled everything better. that I hadn't kept her waiting for me, and not treating her like she deserved. I told her I missed having someone to say goodnight to only to fall asleep with a smile, and how I missed her and I wished we could just start over. She responded to it with one word. The last thing she ever said to me was "Goodnight"

It's been a little over a year now. I still think about her constantly. I've put myself out there, and have found some amazing, very lovable girls, who liked me. I've tried to keep myself busy. i've done everything I could to forget about her, But she still haunts my mind. Those nights I can't sleep and I lay in bed thinking, she always creeps back into my mind. When I hear songs about lost love, Memories of her flood my head. I want to get over her. I want to move on. I know I'm young and inexperienced. I have a lot of time for love. But I don't know if I can love anyone the way I loved her. How do I let go of the girl that was literally my whole world? How do I let another girl in in my heart, that Michelle still occupies. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Hey James,

Our situations are different, but I think they have some things in common. I'll try to help as much as I can.

My best friend (we'll call her Mary Jane) was essentially Michelle. I was in love with her since we were 16. I am 22 now. We became intimate and had sex about 6 months ago. For a week, I was the happiest person in the world. She then turns around (out of the blue), tells me that it's not working and she has no feelings for me at all and we should just be friends. This crushed me and I cried as recently as yesterday about it. Now, we are still best friends, but I get very jealous and hurt when she talks about other guys and I feel inept and worthless. I'm almost feel like a "stand-in" until she finds a romantic relationship. (At least that's how I feel, even though I know that's not true). Pardon my use of language, but she's willing to give any random asshole a chance, and not a nice guy, who knows what makes her laugh, smile, and happy? You can imagine how much of a piece of garbage I feel.

To make matters worse, any girl I express feelings for, tends to brush me off and ignore me. I've never had a true girlfriend. And I'm 22. I feel like a moron and a complete loser. Ironically, I'm very outgoing, and most women who meet me say I come off as a funny, awesome person. Then, they act surprised when I say I don't have a girlfriend already. It makes me feel really sad :( To be fair to myself, I've only really concentrated on finding a girlfriend the past year, but it still hurts to feel hopeless and worthless and at the same time, have to deal with someone you are in love with every day.

So, James. My advice to you is that time will repair your heart. For me, I've come a long way since 6 months but I sitll have a very long way to go. I might not even be at the 1/4 mark. Who knows. Take what you learned from your relationship with Michelle and be a better person with it. Let those other lovable girls into your life. My friend, who counseled me alot throughout my depression, said "for this one amazing girl you are in love with, there's 5 just like her." You'll probably remember Michelle for a long time in your life, if not til your last days. Alter your perception of your relationship with Michelle, and never regret what happened. I hate to sound like a typical "help-me" website on line, but surround yourself with people you love and that love you back. Friends, family, do alot. They did for me. Yet, I come back to that emptiness Mary Jane left in my heart and I battle my inability to get a girlfriend everyday. I know how you feel when you lay awake and she creeps into your mind at night. Time, and the things that come into your life, will heal your pain. I hope this helped.