Sorry for the length, lots on my mind.

I fell in love so deeply with this woman, it turned my world upside down. Pure magic. I walked out on the best job I ever had just to spend more time with her. I lost my mind and all sense of reason and felt as though I could do anything in the world despite all odds. She is gorgeous and I fell in love with everything about her. My first impression of her though was that she was easy. With that in mind, I didn't want to make the first move, knowing that she wasn't going to say no, so I waited for her to say something or give me the slightest hint that she wanted me to kiss her or whatever. We hung out every day and became best friends pretty much. I had about $9000 in the bank when I quit my job so I spent it all on vacations, going out to eat, and doing things to look better for her - I wanted to buy her the world. A complete fool in love. But for 2 months, we talked about everything except how we felt about each other because I was waiting for her to say it first. She didn't do it and it drove me crazy. I fought the feeling for so long. I just didn't want her thinking that all I cared about was sex. That didn't work at all, in fact it made her think that I didn't like her in spite of all the things I did with her and all the time we spent together. After 2 months, we ended up just having very awkward sex. There was no first kiss, it was messed up. Also a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am shy. After all that, things got better and we talked about everything that had happened up until that point and it was very satisfying to finally know how we felt about one another. Once we started dating, she was getting stressed out from work and her parents and would take it out on me. I did not deserve it because I did nothing wrong - I made sure of that. So that really hurt me. Then she would apologize and then end up doing it again. I got the point where I was going to break up with her. I had the upper hand completely and when I told her I was breaking up with her, she cried and cried and said it felt like a void inside of her. I thought she would change and she really meant it all so I took her back. And she did mean it. At this point things got better for a while.

I had big plans for making money and they all did not work out for one reason or another. For a while things were going fine. Then I ended up becoming depressed because of not having a job, family problems where I was yelling at my parents, my brother being depressed and me trying to help him and it not working. The depression got worse and she wasn't happy to see me anymore. I would point out obvious things to her about things going on in her life because I was trying to make her more aware of things and help her and she would get angry at me for it, saying "I never asked for your help", whereas no matter what her feelings were about my situations, I wouldn't get mad about them - I would just respect her opinions. In a way I wanted to make her life perfect for her and she didn't want that. After our fights things would be better for a day or two, and then she would come over and I'd get the initial feeling that she wasn't happy to see me. She'd never come over and run into my arms or anything. I would do anything for her and she constantly showed me that she didn't truly believe that.

We went on a vacation with a bunch of my friends and it was a big disaster. I said things I didn't mean to her out of frustration and it hurt her feelings. Then since we were on vacation and I didn't want to ruin it for everyone I tried to make up with her, but she was too upset. Then we talked about things and it just seemed to get worse. The whole time all I wanted was for her to show me some affection, but it seemed I had pissed her off too much for her to just forgive me that instant. Then she would talk to everyone on the trip like nothing had happened between us and I felt jealous and terrible inside. It was like she wanted to hide the fact that there was a problem between us, and act like nothing was going on. So the whole trip (3 days) was very heart-breaking and terrible for me. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted at the end of it all.

On the drive home from the trip, I had decided that I was done with her and I needed to let her go. Then as soon as we get alone, away from everyone, she asks me if I love her. Every time she asked me that it hurt, because I had told her how many times and I said nothing would change it and I meant it. That night she was crying and trying to do cute things to make me feel better again. She forgave me for the fights and whatever happened on the trip and I did feel better about it all, but I still wanted to break up with her.

I wrote her a letter saying why I couldn't be with her and got advice and support from my friends. Then when the time came for me to do it, I backed out. Next my brother convinces me that me and him need to move far away and it's the best thing for us to do. I was all about this idea and so the next time I saw her, I told her that we were moving and she said she didn't want a long distance relationship and I said the same. She took her stuff and left. She respected my decision and it didn't even seem to bother her. Instead of me being glad about that, it hurt me. I thought I was more important to her than that.

After that point, I have been constantly up and down, extreme highs and extreme lows. I feel like I broke my own heart. For one half of the day, I'll be happy and feel like doing things, and the next very depressed and feeling like calling her. But she is moving on and she seems happy. In a way I am jealous of the fact that it's so easy for her. Also, I have decided not to move away and so that has got me regretting breaking up with her.

If anyone took the time to read that, thanks. I'm not sure what I expect from this, but simply writing it all out has made me feel better. I have lost something that I can't replace and now it is too late to fix it. I am not sure what to do anymore. Also, for my entire life it has been very hard for me to meet people and I feel like I'm going to be comparing every person I date to her and they will never be able to measure up to her, looks-wise or just her kindness and very forgiving nature. We were both completely faithful and so it makes it rough, knowing that she was willing to stick with me after all the bullshit. I guess I have a really narrow scope right now.

Any advice?