does she still want me?

I was in a relationship with my ex off & on for 7 years. I have to admit it was a pretty crazy relationship. Sometimes we would get along just great & other times we would argue like cats & dogs. We were together about 2 years. After about 5 months she kept begging me to move in & find an apt with her. At the time i wasn't ready to do that. We stayed together & i would go out on the weekends with my friends alot. I did enjoy goingout, drinking, watching sports, listening to music all with my friends. My g/f always thought i was out with some girls or something which i really wasn't. I guess during those 2 years i really wasn't sure if i loved her or not but i thought i did. She told me she was going to move because there was nothing for her here. She moved about an hour & a half away from me to be closer to her 2 girls which her ex husband had custody of except for every other weekend. I said ok if that's what you want to do. We weren't really together for the next 3 years. I did see her occasionally, maybe once or twice a year if that. I wouldn't hear from her for months & then out of the blue i would get an email or a forward or sometimes a letter or book in the mail from her saying something like maybe this will help you in your life & i only want the best for you & things like that. It was about 2 years ago we got back in contact on a more regular basis & i started seeing her again. For some reason after all that time of being apart it made me realize how much i did care about her & miss her. After a couple of months she wanted me to move up there. I said let me see if i can transfer my job up there & i would. She kept saying who cares about your job, just move in with me. I was scared because i needed a job & of course have money for bills, rent, food, etc. We started arguing more on a regular basis. 90% of our arguments was about me moving in there. She would always say just move in & things between us would be alot better & i could go to relationship counseling with her & we can workout our problems. She thought i wouldn't move because she thought i was seeing someone or a few girls where i lived but i never was at all & tried telling her that. Those are the 2 things we would argue about. After awhile things got out of hand & we would swear at each other & she did slap me on a couple occasions. Sometimes when we fought we wouldn't talk for a few days, weeks or sometimes a couple months at a time. This is pretty normal throughout the whole relationship. When she got upset she would say to me on the phone or in an email not to call her ever again or dont ever email me againm we are thru. i'm seeing someone else, etc. There was a few times she said she doesn't love me & i will never have another chance with her ever. Then a couple weeks later she would call me or email me back. There even has been a few times she called the police & had them call me to tell me not to contact her anymore then a lil bit down the road she would contact me. It seemed like the more i ignored her she would try to contact me more often. Well about 3 months ago she got very upset & filed a restraining order against me. That same night she emailed me & said in the next 4 years if i change my ways & am willing to let her speak & really care about her to give her a call & she woudn't call the police. I was scared to do that but she kept calling & emailing me & i finally got ahold of her. We started seeing each other again & things seemed to be going ok. I started talking about moving in & she seemed very happy. She kept saying she wanted to start a family with me & that she never loved anyone as much as me & things like that. I was nervous about the restraining order but i found out she can go down to the courthouse & have it dropped in a matter of minutes, which i didnt know but she knew from having onme against her ex husband. I went home to my parents for christmas & came back to her place a few days later. I didn't have my watch because it needed a new battery & she would say oh did you leave your watch at your wh-res house. I had a small suitcase full of clothes that i brought & she asked if my g/f got me that for christmas & i said no that i brought it to her house before & she said no i didn't. I understand she had trust issues with me over things that have happened in the past. On jan 9 we went to bed & she said i'm so happy your finally going to move in. I was very happy myself. The next day we woke up & she said something doesn't seem right & asked me to open my email so she can see it. I said ok & i got an email from a girl i seen when we werent together. I only seen her a couple of times & the email was just a goofy forward that she sent to like 20 people but she freaked out & said how long have you been seeing her & what am i doing with her. I tried to explain i havent seen her in years but she didnt believe. She started yelling & pushing me & i just left because i didnt want the police involved. She left me a message about an hour later telling me she never wants to see or talk to me ever again. The police called me & said she wanted no contact with me. I was very hurt. I havent contacted her since & it has been about a month & she is on my contact list on my email & if she changes her profile on there i get an alert. She wrote on there a couple of days ago that i will never hurt her again & that she is goingout to celebrate tomorrow night. She wrote kind of the same thing about 3 months ago. That same night i get an email from her saying i will never ever get another chance with her & that i had long enough to do the right things. If i call or email her or anything she will call the police. She said i lost the best thing that ever happened to me. That now i can see my wh-res without her finding out & that she will contiune to pray for me. I'm just wondering why she would send this after a month after she told me this the last time i seen her? She has done this type of thing before. I'm just wondering if it's a pattern she is stuck in or is she trying to get a response from me or does she really not want anything to do with me? I know awhile ago a friend of hers told me sometimes she writes me emails like this or writes things on her blog because she wants to see if she gets some kind of response. I know this sounds like a very messed up relationship. When we are together things usually go very well. I know alot of this is my fault & i should have moved in along time ago & went to counseling & things probably would be much better. I'm just very sad right & confused. Any opinions would be helpful as to what she might be thinking or trying to do? Thank you