Long as story, immediate att

I really need advice on my relationship but I need to give you a overall picture on my situation to get a valuable response.
I'll try and make this short...This maybe very confusing to some. Ill try and speak as past and present as I go on.

I met my partner over a year ago through my friend/house mate and his co-worker/friend at my house. I immediately was attracted to him but given the circumstances on his arrival I did not think anything of it. He which I'll call Todd for privacy, was talking to my house mate (whom I call Tiff) about his fiancée of 7 years and how things aren't right and her behaviour is unusual. Mean while my circumstances was trying to get away from my tacky partner who was involved in illegal goods but was also Tiffs, partners, brother. Which made things harder AND to make it worse my partners sister was my boss. They are a highly dis functional family. The sister has 8 signs of depression that put me through hell, the brother was a physco who smashed our house and my partner was by far the worse which was really starting to get me down, I knew I deserved a better life. I come from a family of 9, my parents have been together 30 years and I have 5 brothers and 1 sister who are all full blooded. We are a very happy, functional family that I am very grateful to have.

Soon after meeting Todd, I was employed along with Tiff doing waitressing as out second job. My partner and I had broken up and sure enough Todd and his ex-fiancée split though we were both tying loose ends in our previous relationship. Todd and I started to show interest in each other and I spose you could say I started to develop feelings towards him. Todd, Tiff and I decided one night to hit the town. You can probly guess this where it all starts. We hid what we had, we weren't ashamed we just did not want controversy in the workplace as Todd was my manager. We kept a professional distance. I couldn't tell Tiff cuz shed tell her partner and he'd get cross and I didn't want to be kicked out. Everyone started to grow there suspicions and sure enough it got out. This put alot of pressure on Todd and I. Tiff was angry but in a jealousy kind of way, the receptionist cracked it and also her mother the cleaner. the receptionist had been trying to impress Todd for months or should I say years. Everyone put us through hell. I moved houses and quit my job, both my jobs and decided to study. Tiff then quit her job along with another waitress cuz they didn't approve of us being together. Tiff was a good friend of mine and a good friend of Todd's which made it extremely disappointing, I know she was kinda of fond of Todd and also jelouse regardless to her having a partner. The other waitress that left (Sarah) Was just a drugged bitch, don't know how she became friends with Todd. Anyway we went through months of arguments about the friends and of course insecurity issues, trying to get there acceptance, trying trying to make them understand but they just didn't. The whole problem was Todd is to good for me which is because we are at 2 different staged in life. Todd is 9 years older then me.

Eventually we cut them of, which layed in Todd's hands. Todd and his farther moved away and shortly after I moved to while maintaining the relationship. Things definitely cooled down. and we'd have plenty of good days and wed have a bad day which always seem to counteract the good days. It feels like where forever arguing about someone else and never between us and when it is between is its so simple that its stupid. I Love him to bits, I have never had such strong feelings for anyone ever. I feel like my life lays within him and its not good at all. I don't want that.

He treats me good, I am possibly the luckiest girl on earth to have him and I mean that truthfully. I feel like I can be myself in front of him and he inspires me in life. He pushes me without even me realising it so I can have a healthy life. Mind you our sex life is great, we are both completely satisfied. But we have always been rocky from day I because of all the strain our relationship.

Anyway things between us got really bad a few months ago, it was the distance being 2 hrs and our arguments which apparently is my attitude, I give attitude when I'm ignored mind you. it was getting bad. he broke up with me, like we have broken up before but not like this. He said horrible things and apologised but he just cant do this any more. So I go out with my girls and I smooch a guy, urghhh. Bad decision. It wasn't a serious kiss, very short and blunt and that was it. I didn't enjoy it one bit. but a kiss is a kiss. A week later I couldn't handle being without him so I drove down there told him to meet me at the lake if he still wanted to be with me and he came, and we kissed and hugged and made love ect. I then had to go and he said we still arn't back together. I felt so used. I came back to his house another week after and we went out, had a good night and came back to his. I was passed out on the bed when he went on my facebook and learnt i had kissed this guy through private message! i should of told him but I didn't want to loose him, I know big **** up there. The last few months I have been through hell, he brings it up all the time and it kills me to bit, sometimes so much that I feel suicidal. Though I would never harm myself.
he soon started to forget about it, well I thought so and so did I. I looked this guy up a couple times on facebook, I don't know why, like I'm not interested i think it was just because I was bored?? Todd viewed my 7 day history on facebook to see that I have looked him up, which made us argue and to make things worse he also seen that I view my x,x boyfriend who has not yet been mentioned, a numerous amount of times within the 7 days. Hmmm. To sum things up with my ex ex, We were young and we went through a lot with each other like abortion and him bieng my first love. We were very devoted to each other. I don't have feelings for him now, I don't miss him but I still look? So I thought it was bordem and I just want to see where his at in life and I am, I am doing much better then him mind you lol.

As you can tell though this has all up setted my partner. I know we both have trusting issues and always have from day 1 despite how we feel about each other. Its Saturday night and his out with his mates which makes me feel sick to my bone while I'm here trying to figure how I can fix things.

HERES MY QUESTIONS. Is it true the time can only mend things? I always want to be with him I feel obsessive, am I best to give him the time or suck right up his arse? I can't stand to be without him, he means to much to me that I would do anything to have him back in my arms. Have I really ****ed up this time? he took the whole kiss thing reasonably well and were fine not long after but when he seen that I looked up this guy and my ex ex it must of really recked him and I hate that I did that to him, he doesnt deserve it but I want him all to myself and I want to give me all to him I just don't know how to make him realise that I did cuz I was bored and I dont want to look at other males. I just want him, forever, just him! Please Help, need some advice bad!! Sorry for the long story but now u understand us!