Realised I have really low self esteem after a while
When I meet new people, and I am myself with them, I really love the initial feelings. They comment upon my intelligence, wit, approaches to things, etc, and I feel great about myself. Great that other people see those qualities, perhaps because when I was younger, I never had many close friends. I liked myself, but felt very lonely. Anyway, when those people stop constantly admiring me (or verbally doing so) and we become good friends, I feel insecure, and seek more attention. I did that with my first boyfriend, he loved me, but I constantly needed other people to admire me. And I don't know why. Same thing happened with my last boyfriend. I don't know how to break out of the cycle.
If I'm with friends and I make them laugh, I think, "I wish he could see how funny I am", or if I'm doing ANYTHING really, I think in my head that I wish he could see me, so he'd know who I am more. If I look in the mirror and think I look beautiful, it doesn't matter, I'd want him to see me like that. Or if I'm having a good evening by myself, I want him to know about it. We used to text each other about our days, and I always wanted him to think I was always fascinating.
It prevents me from enjoying anything for myself; it's always to impress someone else, and I don't know how to break out of it. When I'm enjoying something by myself, I feel lonely, like I need validation.
