What is this Love I feel?? What do you guys think of this??
this is a letter i emailed my ex gf. we are both with other people now but i feel stupid for writing them. was it to much? she is called M. this is the first of three emails i sent. its pretty long but would really like any opinion on it. all are welcome. please help.
Dear M,
It was hard to write this letter and I debated whether to send it or not. at times i felt pathetic that im even doing it. like its the worst kind of unrequited love there is. but im going to send it anyway. why not. i don't know how you will feel about it or what you might think of me after but if we want to be these friends we speak of and have this connection, openness and trust then this is what it will take. though that mint change. if not we will only be surface friends that only communicate out of a false obligation. it will obviously be hard to do this as we start to love others and move in our different directions. it is only natural to share our most intimate thoughts and secrets with the ones we are intimate with at the time. experiences will be with the other and we will want to keep that between the one we experience it with. especially in a sexual relationship. its those intimate experiences and secrets that make the relationship. what you share together when you are together. we say we want to keep in touch and be apart of each others lives but i wonder. is that what we truly want? are we fooling ourselves? yes i know you very well, better than anyone, but that knowing has stopped. and i couldn't know myself well enough to keep you. we shared so much but that sharing is in the past. all i will know is the Mariah i used to know. what would we share that we couldn't read on facebook or some other surface source? what binds us is in the past. it takes new experiences to keep a relationship alive. each of us will always be second fiddle to who we are with at the moment. soon whoever we are with will know us better then each other. what do i have to offer you? what can i provide? my opinion, a shoulder to lean or cry on, counsel of some sort? who ever you are with will give you all you need. i am the man who wasn't good enough or what you wanted. why would you confide in me? how will i ever help you when we are apart? if something happens will you call for me or the someone who is there with you now? what is this friendship we speak of? what do we want from each other? let this letter be a declaration of how i feel about us. how open and honest i am willing to be with you and how i expect nothing in return. i write this as the first and also as the last letter if that is the way we choose to go. it comes from my heart and a place deep inside of me. it is only how i feel.
when i started writing this letter i was caught up between many different emotions. anger, sadness, jealousy, but mainly disappointment for the way everything played out. i was stuck between never wanting to talk to you again and move on but this force pulled me back. do i think its incredibly fast and ridiculous? no. its the way you are. i was wondering when i would get that email from you. funny how i get a personal one well after it was made public to everyone on facebook. nice. are you sure you didn't want to hurt me? but the truth is i knew well before. why do you think i asked if you where seeing someone over the phone when i was home last? it was obvious to me. i also know you met him before you went to vancity not after. in the last months before we broke up i had suspicions. maybe not anything physical but your mind and emotions where wondering. all the signs where there. we lost so much trust in each other. locked cell phones, nights out, secret friends. platonic or not the seed of romance was watered by you both willingly. doesn't it always start out so innocently? this is so reminiscent of the past. is this the way you are with me? what happened to us? where did this strong undying love for each other go? passing thoughts of the ego typed down onto a screen cracked the unbreakable foundation that was our love. fleeting thoughts that held no real meaning on how i truly felt or still feel. things that could never come close to the love we shared with each other. words cannot express how awful i feel for hurting you in such a way. it makes my heart sink that, I, the man who will love you more than anyone did such a horrible thing. i never expect you to forgive me. when we were apart back then and i saw the first sign of doubt in you about us i fell deep into despair. to me there was to be no doubt between us. i was looking for absolute certainty. that if we where going to do this then we both have to be in this forever. nothing less would work. and when i felt that hint of doubt i got scared. fear took me over and wanted to find a way to cope. it does nothing for me now but cause pain. after that it was never the same. your hurt ran deep and you never felt the same about me again. things might have been totally different. knowing that i am the starting cause of our downfall and that i hurt you in this way burns my soul to the core. of course there where other factors that came into play during our slow drift apart. the living situation and all that went with it. work and the time apart. my family and the turmoil it caused in me that filtered out to our relationship. what a mess. i was so looking forward to moving into the city with you. i had so many thoughts and ideas about how i could come out of my shell once we could get away together. where i could be myself and express my love to you without family around. how we could have something of our own and grow with it. i waited to long and it was to late. we became so unconscious in our relationship. we let it go and didn't even try in the end. you went to counselling but without me. i would have gone with you in a heart beat. we both withdrew fearing what in the beginning we never waited to happen. the fear of loosing you and not being good enough pulled me down around you and i got lost. and when you are lost yourself you cannot find who you are looking for. i couldn't find you. we where both so scared of what the future would hold for us. our minds ran amok with negative projections of what our future would be together. fear of not being happy, how we would make it in this world, what kind of life our kids would grow up in if we couldn't make it work and so may more. we lost the presence of our love in our minds. the one thing that is beyond this world we lost to it. the one thing that is above all else, above who we are and what we do, everything that is subject to the cycle of life and death, we lost to what we thought might happen and what we may become of us. it is the greatest mistake of them all. and we made it.
onto love…
this is a different section of this letter that i find hard to really classify and i will not edit it to keep its authenticity so forgive my grammar, spelling and any other incoherent mess that flows out. this about us yet more than us. it goes beyond our relationship yet was the greatest part. it is so hard yet so easy to write. this is the deepest part of me that i have always kept to myself. im so scared of it yet know it is the core of my being. feeling it in me now is overwhelming as i start to sink into it. tears fall from my face as this uncontrollable force rises within me. you have seen this in me at rare times before but i never let it out fully for the fear that i wouldn't know what to do with it and that it makes me so vulnerable. especially towards you. please read these words as the most honest and pure i have ever spoken to anyone. they should have been said long ago. i hope you understand them in their entirety.
M,
I love you more than life itself. no one will ever love you more deeply than i will. i will lay down my life for you at anytime while i am here on this planet. i have never and will never feel such a feeling with anyone else. you are apart of my soul. my love for you goes well beyond what we do and even who we are in this life. it goes beyond life itself. nothing will ever change how i feel for you. i truly believe that you are the most beautiful and majestic being on this earth. this love transcends all you will do and what you have done to me and others. there is nothing more you could achieve or gain that would make me feel any different. how you act, what you say, things you have done, did, will do, what you will become is only secondary to what i truly feel for you. all you are is pure energy and love to me. this is more than just a romantic kind of love. although i fell that too. but this is the love that pervades all things on this earth. the one true love that underlines all life. i love a part of you that goes beyond your physical form, and you have and amazing physical form that is worthy of a section onto itself. we shared more moments of this love together than most and it is vary rare for couples to experience it at all. in fact most never do. most love relationships are really love/hate relationships. most couples cycle between the two in a pain/pleasure dance. a power struggle that two players play in a romantic way. affection and "love" being turned off at the flick of a switch. loss in understanding and caring for the true heart of the other person gone in an instant. this was us at the end of ours when we lost our presence. when we forgot what we truly mean to each other. what we feel deep down in that place where pure love lies. i am sick with myself that i let it happen. that i fell into the trap and saw it but didn't climb hard enough to get out. of course we got lost in ourselves at times prior to our fall and played out the cycle but it is very hard to remain in the pure state all the time, and be aware enough to keep it when you feel the doubt, anger and disappointment creep in. our minds and emotions take over and get lost in it. we blame, criticize, and make fault of the other for no true reason at all. what are we defending? why are we really fighting? only things in our heads. mental positions that are not who we truly are deep down. but no matter what was going on in our lives outside i always felt this underlining love for you. i feel it now. even when i was lost in my head being withdrawn, insensitive, or whatever there was always a part of me that loved you so pure and deep. a love beyond me. I wanted to share and work on this type of love. to make us more than just a relationship. to share this love with our children. you have been a catalyst in my life. the cause of great joy and peace in me. but also pain. at first i thought you caused this pain and that you where to blame. but that is not true. i caused this pain. the only true pain one can feel is from within themselves. at times i have meditated deeply on this pain. not just mine but all the pain that is in this world. i try to feel the hurt and sorrow of people and this earth and what they must be going through. all the pain that is in our lives. and there is a lot of it. i focus on it then try to bring in from them and put it on me. hoping that maybe i can take some of it from them. bring any unconscious hurt that they have and and let it flow through me. sometimes i focus on you. i fix myself on any pain and fear you have inside you. how you must feel when you are alone in your darkest moments. when you feel cold and scared wondering what will become of you. about a month before we broke up i went to the church yard with ruby to meditate and focus on this pain. at first it was my pain that came up, as it usually does. the pain of loosing you and what was happening to us. i use this as a window to tap into the collective pain that is all of us. i had tears streaming down frozen to my face. then ruby came over and started licking them off. she could feel it too. but i realized she was also trying to remind me that in this deep pain there is a greater love underneath. that all this pain is only of this world and not of the next. that the love above this pain and suffering is the only true thing that matters. this is the love i feel for you. its the love i feel for all life and all things. but you are the one that reflects it back to me more strongly than anything else. i always wished we could have explored this spiritual realm together. but time will go on and we will live our lives until we return to the One from which we came. there is only one true thing i have learned in my time on this earth. everything that arises passes away. this i know. there is no permanence in this life. everything must rise and fall in its own time. but in-between here and there you and i once were. and you are now. you are M, a shining light of life in this moment. there is nothing more beautiful and pure than the girl reading these words right now. words from a man who knows her true worth more than anyone. who knows that what she is goes beyond anything he could imagine. she is a star of consciousness in this world. perfect in all the ways she can be. and i will always be there for her.
