What am I supposed to do?? her reply to the What is this love I feel posts
Hey love,
A restraining order?? You're so ridiculous!! Come now - as if I don't know you the best in the whole world and know that you only want the best for me, as I want for you. And I think it's the boldest, most incredible statement in the world for someone like yourself to be completely vulnerable and put your heart on the line.
I need you to know that I have so much respect for you I don't even feel I deserve you. And now don't you roll your eyes (cuz i know you are). I have yet to find my true self and you have such a deeper understanding of who you are. You love without compromise and you love without condition. You amaze me.
I just know that I can't be the person you want me to be right now. I am so grateful for you sharing every bit of who you are and how you feel - I cried and cried reading your emails because you are so open and expressive. You are an old soul that will always make me want to crawl into your arms and lay there. Sexual or not, I will always want that. I refuse to let us fade away as friends. As I said before, you are my best friend. I will never let us go, never, ever. I don't know if it's just not in the cards to be romantic and have a lifelong relationship but I have never been more certain in my life that you and I are meant to be entangled in each other's lives until the end.
In fact, no matter what, if we do have other spouses, I know we will share the same old folks home and you will read to me like in the Notebook. I know that deep in my heart.
Now - I want a coffee with you when you get home. Capish? I want to talk more and I'm sorry I haven't responded very quickly, I have been on a whirlwind of emotions but never any that were angry or upset with you. Only amazed by you. Time and time again.
Ruby will also always be our baby and she will keep us together forever. We will bury her together no matter where we are in the world.
I love you Ben.
Talk to you soon.
And btw...whatever happens with Carmen, don't let her play mind games...promise me k? Or I will kick her ass :)
On Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 9:22 PM,
yes yes im writing again and im sure your rolling your eyes but i just have to laugh at myself for all ive done. love really does makes you do crazy things. i got out of camp on monday and had a great convo with a friend the other night and she laughed in my face for how emotional i got and what i did. and its true. totally broke it down for me and made me see it differently. what was i doing? after seeing all this now its so foolish and i feel pretty embarrassed. man was i witless! i really felt for you and my feelings took over. way over! writing and writing blah bah blah. you don't want to hear any of that shit. you must have been crawling in your skin listening to my love drivel. i have a smile on my face laughing thinking about it now. i was wrong to send any of it and put you in such a position. it was very immature of me to go that far but what can i say, you make me feel like a teenage boy all over again. you have another life now and i have to respect that. im happy for it. i was just going through the motions i guess. it was hard. I'm not going to lie. it really hurt the way things went and how it tuned out. i loved you. but hey its all life. funny as hell. i went totally overboard expressing myself and intruding on your life. its not my place and you don't need to hear my lost feelings of love about us. there are definitely true parts to everything i said and it is how i felt but it should have been said when it mattered, not after. its sounds so absurd outside the context of the relationship. all im doing is making things awkward between us and i don't want that. so hey i just want to say i really apologize for going all harebrained love drunk over you and throwing all my feelings in your face. hope i didn't damage a friendship between us. im surprised the cops haven't called me with a restraining order…
anyway, take care kiddo and i hope everything is going well for you. i care about ya! Im thinking i might be back in march if ya want to grab a coffee together. don't worry, it can be supervised if ya want and i wont try and kidnap you. and damn i miss ruby! shes such a good girl.
be safe you
b
