Am I becoming toxic to my girlfriend?

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23-02-11, 07:28 PM
DarkenedSky

Am I becoming a negative thing for my girlfriend?

Little bit of background info:

She's 27, I'm 21 (turning 22 this year and she just turned 27 the other day). She's partially disabled due to a car accident a few years ago. I started dating her from about 2 years ago, on and off. It's also an online (mainly) and offline (I visit her sometimes in her state, I live in Bahamas so I can't visit often) relationship.

Last night she left me a message on Skype that left me wondering if I'm becoming toxic to her, and it scares me a little since I don't want to be causing her to be in a toxic relationship.

Quote:

[1:14:30 AM] Her: I miss you every day. Day in and day out I just distract myself until you come home. Every moment I hear your voice I just want you with me. When you go to bed I am so upset because you have to leave. I don't want you to leave just because you have to sleep.

[1:16:15 AM] Her: I try to explain it in words but I can't because they just get in the way.

[1:18:24 AM] Her: When you love me you become my world. When you're not there I'm lost.

I worry, because I have to wake up early in the morning to get ready for work, but I also have some obligations some nights to a few friends which she generally listens in on and is able to comment and be part of it that way, otherwise we generally always talk over Skype.

What should I do?
23-02-11, 07:41 PM
xxazurexx

She sounds clingy needy and desperate to me....like you are her 'be all and end all' of life. ...and she has no life of her own. That isn't healthy IMO.

Sounds more like she's become too dependant on you, rather than you have become toxic.

I thought 'toxic' was when two people acted like they hate each others guts, yet can't be without each other?..Love- hate relationship.
23-02-11, 07:49 PM
DarkenedSky

I see toxic as more of a relationship that either and or both parties are showing an unhealthy side to the relationship. Either becoming an obsession, becoming obsessed, abusive, etc.
23-02-11, 08:04 PM
xxazurexx

^Well then and if you see it that way, what are you going to do about it?
23-08-11, 01:02 PM
Phoenix23

Infatuation is not toxicity.

Being clingy isn't always a sign of a problem either.
It's only a problem if the other person doesn't mutually feel as strong a connection.

It's perfectly possible to be so in love that you just want to spend all your time with someone, and if that's the case there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
You may not feel the same way, but that doesn't mean she's wrong for feeling that way.
23-08-11, 01:10 PM
tremolo

While her texts do sort of smack of clinginess and desperation... I tend to think that how she feels is only a problem if you feel differently, or find that kind of sentiment unattractive.
23-08-11, 03:24 PM
lost_girl

It's awesome when someone expresses love and devotion. That's normal. However, I understand why you're concerned. My dad is the type of person you want to avoid, lol. He's very into his girlfriend and he is a wonderful gentlement (opens the door, buys her things, takes her out, and tells her how much he loves her, etc). Yet, his love has become pretty unhealthy and toxix. He's so love struck that he drops everything (from his bills to even his own daughters/grandson) to be with her. While he definitely loves her, that same love has become toxic enough to produce jealously, clingy-ness, obsession, and other negative emotions. For ex: whenever she has to work late he automatically gets upset and accuses her of cheating on him. It got so bad one week, he tried to commit suicide when she told him she had late-night audit duties. :surprised

So... yeah. You don't want that type of 'love' in your life. Make it clear to your GF that you love her and appreciate the amount of care she has for you. However, you might want to encourage her to take up hobbies or hang out with her girlfriends whenever you aren't available. Encourage her to be in charge of her own life as opposed to you being the whole center of it. Otherwise, you WILL feel suffocated. Additionally, while things might be cool and dandy right now, when you find that you gotta go outta town for work or can't chat with her today, you'll quickly see how things turn from pretty and nice to ugly and horrible.
23-08-11, 04:02 PM
HeartIsAching

Ugh. Google "Codependency" and do some reading. I think you'll find it an eye-opener.
23-08-11, 04:07 PM
Phoenix23

Quote:

Originally Posted by lost_girl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's awesome when someone expresses love and devotion. That's normal. However, I understand why you're concerned. My dad is the type of person you want to avoid, lol. He's very into his girlfriend and he is a wonderful gentlement (opens the door, buys her things, takes her out, and tells her how much he loves her, etc). Yet, his love has become pretty unhealthy and toxix. He's so love struck that he drops everything (from his bills to even his own daughters/grandson) to be with her. While he definitely loves her, that same love has become toxic enough to produce jealously, clingy-ness, obsession, and other negative emotions. For ex: whenever she has to work late he automatically gets upset and accuses her of cheating on him. It got so bad one week, he tried to commit suicide when she told him she had late-night audit duties. :surprised

So... yeah. You don't want that type of 'love' in your life. Make it clear to your GF that you love her and appreciate the amount of care she has for you. However, you might want to encourage her to take up hobbies or hang out with her girlfriends whenever you aren't available. Encourage her to be in charge of her own life as opposed to you being the whole center of it. Otherwise, you WILL feel suffocated. Additionally, while things might be cool and dandy right now, when you find that you gotta go outta town for work or can't chat with her today, you'll quickly see how things turn from pretty and nice to ugly and horrible.

Strong love didn't cause those problems.

Strong love brings out strong affection and positive feelings but also amplifies any negative attributes with regards to jealousy and such.

There's no reason to believe she will manifest those negative traits just because she loves him so much that she wants to be with him as much as possible.

There are plenty of healthy relationships where both people feel the same way about wanting to be with each other as much as possible and cling to each other mutually.

You only see that kind of attraction as a negative if you don't share the same level of affection.
23-08-11, 04:11 PM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenix23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Strong love didn't cause those problems.

Strong love brings out strong affection and positive feelings but also amplifies any negative attributes with regards to jealousy and such.

There's no reason to believe she will manifest those negative traits just because she loves him so much that she wants to be with him as much as possible.

There are plenty of healthy relationships where both people feel the same way about wanting to be with each other as much as possible and cling to each other mutually.

You only see that kind of attraction as a negative if you don't share the same level of affection.

This is wrong. Love and jealousy are not related nor connected.

Jealousy springs from insecurity. Love does not cause insecurity. Real love inspires trust which is rooted in security.
23-08-11, 04:46 PM
lost_girl

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenix23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Strong love didn't cause those problems.

Strong love brings out strong affection and positive feelings but also amplifies any negative attributes with regards to jealousy and such.

There's no reason to believe she will manifest those negative traits just because she loves him so much that she wants to be with him as much as possible.

There are plenty of healthy relationships where both people feel the same way about wanting to be with each other as much as possible and cling to each other mutually.

You only see that kind of attraction as a negative if you don't share the same level of affection.

I don't think this girl will manifest the same feelings my dad has, honestly. ;) However, I did want to post my own experience of an unhealthy type of love, if only to offer a word of caution. I never imagined my dad would become the man he is today. Not in a million years. His love started out healthy and very romantic. But from him I quickly learned that love, even when it is strong and mutually given back, can become negative when given in large doses. As the saying goes: too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. My dad and his GF may love each other strong and mutually, but their love has blinded them enough to prevent them from seeing the hurt they've placed on others. Love really does blind all and my relationship with my dad has gone to shit. He missed his 3-year old grandson's b-day because he preferred to spend time with his gf. And he bailed on my sister and me during X-mas dinner for the same reason. Financially, he spent all his money buying her romantic dinners that he recently had his car repossessed.

True love requires balance. And it requires as much self-love as it does love given to the partner. I emphasize 'self-love' here because the real root of my dad's problem (and with other ppl like him), is that they depend on the partner to give them the love they lack for themselves. When one can love himself, they have the power to love another.

Of course, not everyone is doomed to walk the path of my dad. Like I said, my comments here are more of a word of caution than prediction. I'm not entitled to say whether this girl is like my dad or not because I still know nothing about her. I also really do believe that it is natural and extremely lovely for a person, be it man or woman, to express their love and devotion to someone else like she has. From my own experience, though, I have to urge balance.