In love with someone out of my league.
Dear Forum,
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and possibly help me work out what I should do about my situation,
This is going to be a long story, but I'll try to write as legibly as possible so you ladies can actually understand what I'm writing. Basically, the jist of this story is that I need to figure out whether my feelings for someone are well founded, or just some kind of odd rebound. Let me know what you think, please.
I'm 24 at this moment, but the story goes back about a year and a half... November of 2009. During that time, I was in a relationship that I'd been in for 6 years, with a girl that I'd been with since I was 17. Our relationship had slowly soured, and I believe that I hung on to it because I never thought I'd be able to find another girlfriend (low self-esteem for you, eh?)
Anyway, I'm a veterinary technician. Recently, at the animal hospital I work at, we had hired a new doctor, on her first day there, I thought she was a tech herself, because she is so young (also looks younger than she actually is). I think she thought that I was around her age, and it seemed to me that she was interested in me (could be my imagination). Later in that day, I found out she was a doctor, and she found out I was younger than her. The day is very memorable to me, because she made such a big impression on me, and because from the start, I had a crush on her (at the least). During this time, like I said, the relationship with my girlfriend (we'll call the first girlfriend Martha) was souring.
As I realize later, Martha was very degrading on me, made me feel like crap about myself, and really killed my self-esteem. So, I'm not sure whether my crush on this doctor at work (we'll call her Samantha) is what helped me to break away from Martha, because I felt good about myself, and because I felt that maybe another girl liked me? Samantha and I would always talk a lot at work, and I guess I was bad, and flirted with her a lot, and I could clearly see that she liked the attention (I'm not really good at telling whether a girl is flirting back or not, so I can't say anything on that subject).
So, Martha and I broke up in January of the following year. So, two months after meeting Samantha. Samantha tried to help me through it, I hung out at her place a couple times in a couple week period, she didn't really seem interested in me, because I guess I had some social issues, not very social, not sports knowledgable, and that's important to her, because she's really into sports and outdoorsy things. She loves to run, bird watch, watch football, rock climb, and stuff like that.
I guess I had been in a relationship for so long, that I really desperately needed to be with someone, and when I realized that Samantha wasn't going to get with me any time soon, I went to an online dating site, I met an awesome girl who fit really well with me, and began ignoring Samantha for a while.... She asked me to go rock climbing with her, I declined... she asked me to hang out with her for the superbowl, I declined... because I was doing things with the new girl. We'll call her Martha 2 (a friend from work's designation of my girlfriends, heh). So, for 2-3 months, I was crazy in love with Martha 2, and also told her that I used to have a crush on Samantha, so she didn't want me to hang around her... then Martha 2 got over the crush, and tried to be friends with Samantha herself, so then I started to go back to my normal routine of trying to work with Samantha as much as possible, and I guess at some point, maybe 3-4 months after I got together with Martha 2, I started crushing on her again, on and off... I tried to resist it as much as possible, because I was happy in my relationship with Martha 2.
6 months into my relationship with Martha 2, we had some problems... Broke up for a couple days, the main reason being that I wanted time to be alone, to find myself, because I've never been single before... Because I needed to find myself. We got back together after that, because I needed her. Also, during our entire relationship, Martha 2 made me feel really good about myself, told me how awesome and handsome I am, and really got me back to a real level of self-confidence, from where Martha 1 had brought me down, Martha 2 brought me back up again. Did I love her just because of that? I don't know.
So, we got back together, and with a little pushing from Martha 2, I proposed to her in December 2010. We were really happy for a couple months, then put a deposit down on a wedding site a few weeks ago... From there, I started to feel like crap, I guess the realization that this is the girl I'll spend the rest of my life with just didn't go well with me. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened... I'm extremely afraid of dying, so I guess that I want to solve myself and finish living bits of my life before I settle down.
I wasn't ready for the last chapter of my life yet. Also, I really felt pathetic because I need to go to grad school to get my masters, in order to get a job where I make good money, so that I can actually take care of a girl. At this moment, I'm most likely going to start grad school this coming fall, so I'm on my way to what I need to take care of a girl. A few days ago, we broke up... Mainly because I wasn't ready to get married, and wanted to go slower, and Martha 2 couldn't take that, she said I broke her heart, and broke up with me. She said maybe we'll get back together in a couple years when I'm ready... Maybe not.
Right after this happened, I started crushing on Samantha again... but a lot stronger this time. I'm back to being obsessed with her, like I was for a few weeks at the beginning of 2010. I'm trying to hang out with her as much as possible (although that hasn't happened yet, but again, it's only been like 4 days since Martha 2 and I broke up.) I want to take her bird watching, to do fun things with her, that I think would be really fun to do, especially with her. I want to make her happy.
Let me tell you some more stuff about Samantha..... She's confided some things in me, that I think she only does for close friends... It's not like she'd tell this stuff to anyone. She has some kind of skin disorder, that she had to go for a series of biopsies at the doctor a while back, while I was with Martha 2... During that time, she was really sad, upset, and I really wanted to take her in my arms, to hold her, to tell her that I love her and that I'll always be there to take care of her, but I couldn't because I was with another girl, and I don't cheat. I didn't do as much as I should have, to take care of Samantha during this time. She really needed me to help her, I feel really bad that I wasn't there for her as much as I should have been. Sometimes I think that things may have been different if I hadn't had a girlfriend during this time.
Also, another time, one of her patients died, and it was really scary, and she cried a lot. I held her for few moments afterwards, and gave her a nice massage (which I pretty much reserve only for girlfriends, because I'm so good). I'm not really sure whether she views me as a big brother, a good friend, or whether it's possible to court her. -shrug-
I think about this girl differently than any other. I want to sing to her, I want to be a crazy romantic, and sweep her off her feet, I want to do whatever it takes to show her that I want to make her happy for the rest of her life, to kiss her, and hold her every night, and to spoil her as best I can. I feel like I've never felt this much for someone, over such a long period of time, without break..... I don't know, that may just be the way that I am feeling at this moment in time, but it could honestly have been going on for the entire time I've known her.
So, I'm faced with a couple of dilemmas.... One, I need time to be by myself, to be single, to find myself. If I dated Samantha, this would be possible, because she's very individualistic, she wants her time to herself, to do her things (I think she would, anyway... Maybe she would just want to be with me all the time if we were together, I'm not sure, but more likely the former). Also, the next one is that I know that i need to finish my masters degree before I'll really be able to court her... Because she has expensive tastes. She likes really nice quality food. She's obsessed with sweets, as am I, so I can easily please her with sweets, but that just doesn't cut it. She makes twice as much money as me, at least... when I'm done with grad school (2-3 years), I'll be making at least as much, if not more money than her. Software Development pays a little better than the Veterinary field.
We have a lot of things in common, but a lot of things not in common as well. We get along really well, we work together a lot at work, and I make a lot of jokes that she laughs at (not laughing at me, but laughing at the joke). I know she thinks I'm handsome, because she's said it on a couple of occasions, and she said something else once that was in my favor about me, that is kind of indicative of possible attraction, but it's really hard to tell.
Let me know if you need more information... and to everyone to manages to make it all the way through, thank you very much for reading, and thank you for your assistance.
I forgot to mention, she also seems to have really high standards for boyfriends... Has been in a couple very serious relationships before that didnt work out, and wanted to get together with an old highschool (I think) crush, but he has a girlfriend, and isn't interested in her. So, I wonder if she is trying to wait for him, or is just worried that another relationship won't work out. I know that she really wants to find the perfect guy to marry. I believe that it's partially important to her, and that she feels left out that some of her friends have gotten married already.
-Anonymous Vet Tech studying to be a Software Developer.
P.S. She is incredibly beautiful. I want to tell her that all the time. I've probably studied her face more than I ever have anyone elses... because while I'm in a room at work with her, I get to hold the patient while she does the physical exam and talks to the owner, I get to stare at her the whole time. :) I hope I work with her tomorrow, it'll make me insanely happy.
Edit: I forgot to mention that she is 7 years older than me. That's one of the other main obstacles that I need to worry about... Am I just too young for her? I'm 24, she is 31. However, most people that I know, esp my Uncle who is 35, have said that I act very very mature for my age... My uncle said that he didn't get to the point I am in life, mentally and emotionally until he was like 30. So, I think that's a good thing.
