I honestly don't know what to do and it's making me sick...literally.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. 2 weeks ago, I told him a big secret (I rather not say) that I have been keeping from him. It ruined our relationship big time. We wanted to go our separate ways but the both of us couldn't because we're too in love with each other. So we decided to stay together and try to move forward.
By the way, we are in a long distance relationship. He's in the military in North Carolina. I was planning on moving there in the summer. Anyway...
Each and everyday, I have this big guilt on my shoulders because of this stupid secret I kept from him. It kills me inside. I've been so insecure about myself that I haven't even been myself around him. He doesn't want me sexually like he did before that secret and it breaks my heart. I don't say anything about it because I feel like I shouldn't have a say in it.
Just yesterday, I found out he was on a online dating site. I saw it and I just wanted to burst into tears. I decided to test him and made a fake account with fake pictures. I messaged him and he talked to me. I started asking him if he wanted to hang out Saturday night and maybe we could fool around and take it to another step. He was all for it. He even asked if he could bring his friends. I then decided to add more to it and asked him to come over now and he said he would. After that, he then asked me (he was on the phone while all this was happening but still had no clue it was me) "Des, do you wanna go to bed?" I nearly wanted to just break down and cry but I kept it inside and said, "No I don't." And he never said anything else.
I went back to that fake account and gave him a fake address and told him that I would be waiting besides a 2002 red eclipse. He then messaged me back and said, "Ok I'll be pulling up in a black challenger :D" He doesn't own a black challenger. He owns a grand am. I always told him that I wanted to a black challenger. I know he has a feeling it was me behind that account because I use to have a silver 2002 eclipse and his car is red. So that's why he put a black challenger. After that, I never messaged him back nor did he message me back. But I check back and he's ALWAYS online on that site!
He updated his profile with this:
"Just your average 20 something year old guy. I have a career and it allows me to live pretty well =) Not necessarily looking for anything BUT IF I WAS. It would be for a woman. Im tired of messing with little girls. With that said if you're under at least 22 dont expect much from me. Not saying that everyone younger than that is immature but I've found that the likelyhood is far far greater." (I'm 23 and he's 26)
I know for sure he has not cheated on me before but now that I told him this secret, I know he wants to.
I know some of are you going to ask, ""Why are you even with this guy??" The answer to that is that I'm in love. This guy is my world. Before that secret, it was perfect. He was the perfect man in this world. We were even going to get married in 2011 and live together.
I don't know why I'm posting this on here... I think it's because I just need to vent and I can't tell my friends because they will think I'm crazy.
