Boyfriend vs Best Friend

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08-03-11, 11:14 AM
insanearchitect

Boyfriend vs Best Friend

Long story cut short, I was introduced to my roommate's boyfriend two years back. We had so much in common that we hit it off immediately and I soon became his best friend and we became very attached to each other. During this time my roommate (his then girlfriend) did not quite get along with me for other reasons that had nothing to do with him. They both were having big problems in their relationship despite dating for 5 years and I was often his shoulder to cry on about how unhappy he was with her because she did not give him any time or attention.

Finally this new year he broke up with her. After that we became much closer and started developing feelings for each other which we admitted to each other as well. This is where things get twisted because I too have a boyfriend since three years and am quite happy with him, but I cannot deny that I am terribly attracted to my best friend. He claims to be very attracted to me too but says he is scared it will destroy our intimate friendship. So we decided to ignore this attraction and remain best friends like before.

But since 2 weeks his ex-girlfriend that he broke up with has been giving him a lot of attention and says she wants to get back with him again. While my friend has said he wants a break from their relationship for at least 6 months they speak to each other everyday now as friends and I am extremely jealous because he is trying to work things out with his ex-girlfriend.We speak for like 3-4 hours a day, but it makes me feel worse because I am not dating him and he might work things out with his ex.

I am very confused as to what I should do now because I know I really like him although I have a boyfriend who is unbelievably sweet to me. I cannot deal with my best friend getting back together with his ex-girlfriend despite the two of us vocally admitting that we have very strong feelings for each other and cannot go a day without speaking.

HELP..!
08-03-11, 01:27 PM
OrdosInfinity

I had to read through that a few times to figure out what was going on. You should make a chart.

In all seriousness, do you actually love your current boyfriend or is he just a big comfort zone to you because he is sweet to you? If you actually love him then this would be a bad thing since it might not work out. Giving up the bird in the hand for the two in the bush is rarely a smart move. If the latter is the case and you don't really love him I would suggest breaking it off with the boyfriend and letting him go. It really isn't fair to your current boyfriend if you are just keeping him around because he is nice. That is the reason you keep a dog around and if that is it then let him find his special someone and go balls to the wall for this other guy before he is swept up by the ex.
09-03-11, 12:45 AM
IncognitoSir

1st and foremost, you're already cheating on your boyfriend and have been for some time now. (emotionally) if nothing else. I wonder how much time your boyfriend gets if you manage 3-4 hours a day on the phone with your best friend. IF you care for this guy as much as you say you do then break up with your super sweet boyfriend and go for your best friend.....very simple. Now the tough part will be explaining to your super sweet boy friend why you're leaving him for your best friend. So far all you've said is because you have SO much in common....

Just like OrdosInfinity mentioned, you're rather comfortable with your current boyfriend, safe and you're not gonna move unless you know for CERTAIN your best friend will have you, other wise you'll just stay with your current boyfriend. I've seen this happen so many times before. At least show your boy friend some respect and let him find someone who isn't going to use him as a safe zone geeeeesh.
09-03-11, 01:11 AM
lahnnabell

Agreed with the above post.
09-03-11, 02:51 AM
Anturo

So you are stringing one guy along and jealous that another is moving along without even knowing your real feelings?

Wow, you sound amazing.

1) You are in a relationship you don’t want to be in (you are just comfortable and that’s not fair to that guy)

2) You are jealous of another guys success in moving along with his life.

3) The guy you are "obsessing" about has already told you no. "He said that it would destroy your intimate friendship”. (He was being nice about the no)

Sure go ahead tell him how you really feel. Destroy his new love life by confessing your undying love for him. Crush your current boyfriend’s heart.

Because I promise it won’t make you look obsessive or needy or controlling.

It will only increase your friends love for you and he will never resent you. He will fall in absolute love with you and you will live happily ever after.

IMO I think you need to leave the current boyfriend because he is only the good for now guy, and that isn’t right for him.

Figure out what you want in life and then do that.

The wishy-washy stuff has got to go.
09-03-11, 04:59 AM
insanearchitect

@ Ordonsinfinity and Incognitosir - I agree it is not fair to my current boyfriend to do this to him,but it is true that I was very much in love with him until a couple of months back when things with my best friend got messed up. The thing is since its just been a month or two since my best friend and I started developing feelings I am concerned that it could just be infatuation.Every infatuation is very strong and distracting but for a short while and giving in to it might destroy the real thing. I do not want to give up a 3 year relationship for something that could just be a crush. I don't know how to figure out if it is a crush or something more. Any ideas on how I can be clearer about this?

@Arturo- I am not the one who declared that I have feelings for my best friend first. He is the one who keeps bringing it up randomly when we speak every 2-3 days. He goes " by the way I really have feelings for you" . I just agree that I feel the same way. Then we conveniently change the topic. He says that while he is not in love with his ex like before, they have a 5 year history together and he likes her as well still. But he also gets annoyed if I try to back off and not talk to him so much insisting that we should talk as much as we used to. That just makes me feel worse. So I'm not the completely crazy one here.
09-03-11, 08:40 AM
IncognitoSir

Listen, if you actually LOVE your boyfriend, why would you need to "find out" if it's infatuation or a crush?? For example, imagine some two people in a very happy and successful relationship and one of them(you) meets some new person and discover they have a lot of things in common. Why would you need to pursue the new person when you're already happy? You wouldn't. You say you love your boyfriend but how could you while you're actively pursuing another guy? It just doesn't make sense. You say one thing and actually do something totally different. You think the grass is greener on the other side, although from what you tell us, your grass is already pretty damn green.

Is it a crush or something else? Thats for you to decide, only YOU can measure the strength of your feelings. Something to consider, you're not the only one involved here. His feelings would have to at least match yours. Crushes fade in days, weeks, months or even years. What would you think if a year from now you discover it was a REALLY big crush? Often times when friendships transform into relationships they do just that, transform. There's SO many variables going against you here it's ridiculous to think you're willing to risk a perfectly GREAT relationship for "what COULD be".
09-03-11, 04:20 PM
leonidas

In all honesty, I feel terribly bad for your current boyfriend. If after 3 years you're not settled down and emotionally cheating on the guy, he really deserves to either know that or be let go. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Regardless of whether your best friend gets back together with his ex, the fact that you value that more than your 3 year relationship tells you you shouldn't be in that in the first place. Go for what your strong feelings are for, and if that means your best friend and dumping your boyfriend, then you should do it.

Everyone else agrees haha.
23-03-11, 09:50 AM
pieinthesky

forget you're best friend its just trouble, from personal experience, shit turns nasty and you end up loosing both best friend and your partner
23-03-11, 09:54 AM
sweetkissesforu

Quote:

Originally Posted by OrdosInfinity [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I had to read through that a few times to figure out what was going on. You should make a chart.

In all seriousness, do you actually love your current boyfriend or is he just a big comfort zone to you because he is sweet to you? If you actually love him then this would be a bad thing since it might not work out. Giving up the bird in the hand for the two in the bush is rarely a smart move. If the latter is the case and you don't really love him I would suggest breaking it off with the boyfriend and letting him go. It really isn't fair to your current boyfriend if you are just keeping him around because he is nice. That is the reason you keep a dog around and if that is it then let him find his special someone and go balls to the wall for this other guy before he is swept up by the ex.

could not have said it at all very interesting way of putting it
23-03-11, 06:34 PM
hello1

This is why I do not want my boyfriend to have female friends.
23-03-11, 08:53 PM
Anturo

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is why I do not want my boyfriend to have female friends.

And this is why he will cheat on you one day.

Guys need friends of both sexes.

Girls need friends of both sexes.

Otherwise the forbidden fruit will one day get the best of them.
24-03-11, 08:21 PM
hello1

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anturo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And this is why he will cheat on you one day.

Guys need friends of both sexes.

Girls need friends of both sexes.

Otherwise the forbidden fruit will one day get the best of them.

Well thanks for that information!
24-03-11, 11:06 PM
girl68

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anturo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And this is why he will cheat on you one day.

Guys need friends of both sexes.

Girls need friends of both sexes.

Otherwise the forbidden fruit will one day get the best of them.

I tend to agree though it's not a "given" he will. But the resentment from being denied something so adamantly isn't cool.

A fulfilled man doesn't seek elsewhere for emotional or physical contact. So if he's satisfied in these areas he could have all the female friends in the world and he isn't going to fetch for one of them. Same for the OP's friend. He was never satisfied in the first place which is why he was emotionally available to fall for his best lady friend, the OP.

This leads be to believe the OP isn't as happy and in love as she thinks she is. If she were it is highly unlikely that she would be having these feelings. I'm just not buying it. Lots of men are sweet, and treat their women nice. That doesn't mean we got to be in love with them. So OP I urgre you to really think about your relationship. I'm not buying that you're as happy as you think you are. I think you're comforatble with him. And realize he's a good guy none of that means forever though. And just becasue you've invested 3 years also still doesn't mean forever.