I Feel My Life Is Over

This is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

I'm 21 years old, up until i was 20 i had never had a job, i was a gambling addict and a drug abuser. I was violent, abusive, an overall piece of shit. I then met a girl, i knew i had some sort of connection with.

We started meeting up, i took her out a few times and then we finally got together. I was a whole new person because of her. I found myself a good paying job. I quit drugs and i quit gambling all for this girl. I got help with my anger issues and i totally changed my life around. (She was aware i did this for her, she was so proud of me and so was everyone else) She used to tell me how she wanted to be with me for a long time, and tell me how much she liked me.

A way into the relationship, she randomly told me how her feelings have changed, and she doesn't see where the relationship is going. It felt like i'd been stabbed right through the heart, my heart sunk and it's actually destroyed me.

I have quit my job, i've started abusing drugs again, and it just feels like my whole life has stopped. I can't bring myself to eat anything, i haven't even left my bedroom in a few weeks, all i can do is take drugs and sit on my xbox. I went from having everything i could with for to having nothing at all. I have no friends anymore, and my family hate me due to what i've become again.

I normally don't sleep for days on end due to the drugs i take, but when i do, all i do is dream of her, wake up and realise she's not there. It might not sound like anything much, but i had a dream my house was on fire and i was alone. I dreamt my ex came in and held me and told me everything was okay. I remember waking up and saying "*name* is that really you?" rolling over to put my arm round her, then it stuck me she wasn't there and i just couldn't stop crying. If i'm not off my head on class a's, i'm either playing xbox or crying over what i've become and what little i have.

I have suffered from depression for a few years, but my ex gave me something to be happy about, someone to care for and something to wake up for. Now she's gone i'm suffering again. i took an extremely high dose of codeine a couple of weeks ago, hoping to fall asleep and not wake up. (I can't commit suicide, eventhough my family hates me i can't put them through it)

I'm just so stuck and i don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to in real life and i don't want to talk to any people because i know i will end up breaking down into a state, and it's embarassing for me. All i want is to see her and have her tell me that everything is going to be okay. I just want another cuddle from her and maybe watch a movie and have a kiss or whatever, but i know its not going to happen.

I have never cared about a female before, i've had my fair number of one night stands and one off nights, but i've never actually had real feelings of attachment to any girl. I can't believe she's not here any more. I love her and i feel like i always will. It's a whole new feeling for me and i just want to keep her forever.

Can someone please give me any advice on anything? I know i'm still young, i know "there's plenty more fish in the sea" i know i will supposidly meet someone new, but it's not what i want. I want her back and i just want to be happy. I need some serious help but because of the situation in, i have zero motivation to do anything.

Owen.

I know that right now, she is all you can think about and you think that her coming back is the only thing that can fix this, but that is not true. You put all your eggs in one basket with her, and that is why you are so devistated. I know that all this is easier said than done, but you need to find someone to talk to and things to keep yourself occupied. Things WILL get better, and it WILL take time, but you need to get help for the drugs. Remember all the things she told you that made you feel better to begin with. She wasn't lying, you need to find that motivation within yourself.