I AM the bad one :(

I am so tired of my insecurities and jealousies. I just drove a man i love away. He said he wanted to live with me and marry me and i drove him away with my drinking and screaming and yelling and fighting. I was very jealous of his ex's, he was engaged to one and lived with her for years. Another one he lived with for 5 years. He's 9 yrs older than me and im 25. I was always insecure about this and always compared myself to these serious relationships he had. I dont know why. He said he didnt love them and loves me and really i am the first time he ever wanted to spend his life with someone. I believe him. But something in me fought it with every inch. I dont know what to do...I am a student in a professional school and my life is idiotic and hectic and stressful beyond comprehension. I use drinking to cope. I am very unstable and I feel horrible that I pushed a man away because I cant deal with personal issues. I am making a counselling appointment next week, because I am tired of this.

I just want to be happy, like everyone else. But for some reason, at any chance of happiness i take a baseball bat and beat it to a pulp. I am certain this man wont be returning to me, because he's been abused by me enough. I just want to learn how to treat people well and stop acting like a caged wild animal, biting and snarling. I am really hurt and I am sad that I cant control my insecurities and emotions. I feel like this will ruin my life, if it hasnt already. Its not like im 16 figuring my life out. Im 25...

I just dont know what to do ...

You might try giving up the booze, in addition to the counseling.

Probably. Hence the counselling. I need better ways to cope.

Insecurity is of all ages...I have never been so emotional like I am now. But figure out why you responded like this, because he seemed to be understanding when you were insecure before about his exes.
He reminds me of my first ex who said: Baby, my exes are in the past, you are my future... And that was all I needed to lose my fears about his exes.
Try to understand your emotional/ behavioural responses, and then you can (train to) control yourself

In what way did you abuse him?

Well if he tells you he didn't love his exes , that's a BS or he's weird to live or get engaged with people he doesn't love . Second of all, get a help , at this point, you're not able to be with anyone .

If you feel jealous about his previous serious relationships then you should prob find one closer to your age? 9yr age gap is pretty big. then i guess it could be your insecurities that you like older men?
i would think get your life sorted out first...become more stable then jump into a serious relationship. that way you wont feel sorry for your self and your partner.

wow these responses are so helpful and polite. I am so thankful to you guys. I honestly wrote my issues and I was fearing I'd be torn apart. I am going to go talk to someone about my issues and I'm just going to concentrate on my school. Im currently under a lot of pressure and I have to decide what I am doing with my life career wise. I probably feel more pressure than I should, but my environment forces it. I agree, I am going to take time and figure myself out and become stable. I am not hung up on older men, it just happened that this guy is older. My previous serious relationship was with a guy my age and it was fine. We just didnt work out. I never been interested in anyone over 27, so this is different. I am not used to men having such serious pasts before. He didnt understand what my issue was, because he said that I am an idiot, and all women he knows accept the men for who they are and love trumps all. I dont know. Perhaps thats the adult way. He's only my second boyfriend, and I dont go on dates. I'm on my second university degree, so that takes a huge chunk of my life and efforts so I am shit in relationships and I could not get ahold of my emotions because it is the first time I was very much in love with a man, who happened to be much older and who had very serious past relationships. I just blew up. And screwed it all up.

Stupid insecurities :( Life sucks (not all the time, but right now it does)

Does he know what you wrote in your first post?

It's very honest and him reading that would help him to understand your actions! Good luck tackling your drink dependency, I hope that and the councilling really helps!