I feel really heartbroken. I need advice.
Here's my story. I am a junior in College: 21 years old. male
At the beginning of the semester, I met a freshman girl. We connected almost immediately. We dated for roughly six months. I was generally very happy and comforted by the relationship. We enjoyed spending time with each other. We only had one major argument (about 2 months in), but we moved on completely. After the relationship got very sexual, we became very attached to each other. However, in the last 2 months of the relationship I started feeling slightly ambivalent. I usually enjoyed the time we spent, but I occasionally felt suffocated. At times I just needed my freedom and she seemed to become clingy. The passion I felt dwindled and at times I even considered breaking up with her. It just seemed that the spark had died. Around the six month mark, she confessed to me that she was very unhappy with who she was. She said that she was insecure to the point of self-loathing.
We came to the mutual agreement that our relationship couldn't function if she didn't love herself. We broke it off. At the time, I couldn't have been happier. I felt relieved to have my freedom back. We still saw each other frequently. After about two weeks, my feelings for her came surging back. I can describe it in no other way than the butterfly feeling. The one you get when your thirteen and that girl you had a crush on walks home with you. It felt odd to get that feeling, as I hadn't felt it in about seven years. I didn't even feel it that strongly when we first met. After that I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every night I had a sex dream about her, and I thought about her constantly. I had to find out if she still had feelings for me. After talking with her, she professed that she didn't only want to break up with me because of her self-loathing, but also because she felt that our spark died. I told her that the spark I had came back after we broke up, but she still didn't feel anything.
At that point, I felt completely devastated. When we first broke up, I got in my mind that we may eventually get back together when she became more emotionally stable: I think that's part of why the initial break up didn't phase me at all. I don't think I have ever felt that lovesick since my 8th grade girlfriend told me that I was her second choice. However, we still continued to talk and even see each other. Until recently I thought I was getting over her. Most of the time I felt fine. But now there is this new guy who seems to have taken a liking to her. When our group of friends goes swing dancing, she spends a decent amount of time around this guy. I also see them texting each other all the time. They seem to see each other a lot as well. At first that was fine, but now I get these crippling bouts of depression whenever I think about them getting together. I am certain that this guy is interested in my ex, but I honestly don't know if she is interested in him.
This is weird for me. I am generally not a very emotional guy. This was even true in our relationship. I have had girlfriends before, and whenever we broke up it was generally tolerable. I am usually a very stoic guy, but when I think about my ex being with someone else, I just feel like crying forever. I think this could be for a few reasons. In many ways, this is my first love. I also go to a tech school, so there aren't very many girls around. I know there are other reasons why I feel so bad, but I don't know what they are. I don't expect anything to happen again, even though I want her so badly.
I have also never felt so petty. The only thing that comforts me is the thought of getting with another girl: not a relationship, just something sexual. I met this exchange student the other day who was flirting with me, and that's the happiest I have felt in the past few weeks. I also feel very jealous when I think about my ex being with other guys. I feel very bad about all of this; I'm generally not so selfish.
I need help from any girl or guy who understands my situation. What did you do to get over your pain? Is there something I should try to feel better? I am reluctant, but willing to move on. I just want to stop hurting. Any advice or sympathy or understanding would be greatly appreciated.
