Help! Honest genuine independent advice needed!

Hi

I recently started dating someone who is separated but kept it low key for various reasons. I just told my parents yesterday and being devout Catholic my dad became very upset and we're not on speaking terms. To give a little background, I've known this man all my life and he is truly a kind genuine man who's wife cheated on him a few years before they separated with his friend. He decided to stay in it to work it out but had difficulties but had a son mean while. During this time he began confiding in me and we became close. He later decided to pull out. She is now in a new relationship for the past year and we would now like to start ours but I am overcome with guilt as I was very close to him when he was still married and feel partly responsible for the break up. Also rumours spread at the time and this has caused great grief. I'm now at a point where I have upset my family and know rumours will resurface again when we go public and I will be blamed. Should I feel guilty for pursuing a relationship with this man who I love and know we could give it a go? Thanks

Well, separated or not, he's still married. If he wanted to be with you he would have divorced her already and moved on to you. You're putting the carriage before the horse so to speak. First things first.

Not necessarily. My ex left me for another woman. Because of details regarding custody and assets, and because my ex has very little follow-through about anything, my amicable divorce took more than 9 months. By the time it was official, he was engaged and I was dating my bf. The only thing left of the marriage was that piece of paper, he had moved out months before and we had separated everything and he was paying me child support. If that is the situation, then I say dating is OK. If there is any chance of reconsiliation, any uncertainty with either party, or any reluctance to let go of cohabitation or other signs of attachment, then run away.

It's not the separation that bothers me but should I feel guilty for upsetting my parents and am I to blame for break up? She clearly moved on to a new relationship 2 months after the split. 18 months later and we're still not together although rumour had it that he pulled out because of me. The whole thing is so upsetting and my head is a mess! What should I do? :-(

If he is not still in a relationship then I see no problem. You were his confidant and that's nothing to feel guilty about, its something to be proud of. You should only feel guilty if you advised him to leave his wife for the purpose of getting him to yourself, and assuming that wasn't the case, and you gave him good advice (or just listened), then you don't have anything to feel guilty about. In fact, he probably chose your as his confidant for good reason.

If your parents have a problem, then get him to talk to them. If they still feel how they do, then that's their problem. They''ll come around. As for rumours and the like, well I can speak from experience here. I got into a relationship when I was 16 with a much older woman, rumours went wild and I really made me feel uncomfortable. But most of those who mattered to me didn't care, and the rumours disappeared when the next bit of gossip came along. Like you, my mother made things difficult for me. She told everyone should could find, lecture me at every possible opportunity, she even rang my teachers! She got my entire family around once to lecture me, and got my dad on the phone to listen in. The next day my dad picked me up and took me to the pub. He said he had no idea how bad things were for me, and he was sorry about that. He bought me a drink and played some pool with me, then he wished me luck in my relationship. Things work out in the end. Trust me.

Thanks Looq. Am just so upset. Never encouraged him to leave actually encouraged him to try and work it out. Then I met someone else but he couldn't bear that and knew he wanted to be with me. All a big mess.

I understand the concern over being seen as the reason that he left his marriage. Especially if you come from a devout Catholic family. You have to understand though, that the morals that your family is displaying, thus causing them to be upset, are from 50 years ago... You are not the homewrecker out to destroy good happy families. And your bf left his wife and his marriage because of his wife and his marriage, not because of you. Unless he has said otherwise, believe that.
And, I can't believe I am writing this but, who cares what other people think? If you love him and he loves you and you want to be together, be together. make sure he gets that divorce as soon as possible though. It will make things much easier for you, both legally and emotionally.

Good luck.