I've been hung up about my ex - for years.

Hey everyone. I'm new as you can see. But I just need to get this of my chest - and hopefully get some advice from people who don't know me, don't know her and thus should be relatively objective. Well, as objective as you can be, hearing only one side of the story. But I will do my best to give an account as unbiased as is possible.
This will be a long text - and even though I'll say so again at the end, I'd like to thank everyone who took the time reading the whole thing. Well...here goes nothing.

Meeting her
The whole thing started back in late 2005. I actually met her online and the whole thing wasn't romantically driven at all. We just chatted along on a totally friendly basis and the whole thing was deemed safe by both of us. She was in a relationship and so was I. So at first we just talked. Found out that there were a lot of similarities and a lot of common ground. We chatted more...and more...and eventually on a daily basis. After a couple of months of this (on a side note: my relationship back then was already going on for almost 8 years and was slowly but surely dying) there was an opportunity to meet her. Some sort of gathering with several people who knew each other. Some personally, some only via Internet - so it seemed like a cool idea to meet in person and hang out. So that took place.
I'll probably never forget how we first met in the staircase of my buddies place where the whole thing was happening. I saw her, I saw her eyes and lightning struck. I was sold that very minute. However, I tried to remain calm and gave her a hearty yet somewhat casual greeting - just friends and all. So the day/night wore on and we talked. And talked. And talked. We spent most of the time together and didn't really mingle with the others. But they found it kind of cute - so it was cool.
Eventually everybody except for her and me got pretty wasted. I didn't drink alcohol back then and really didn't feel like sleeping in a small appartment along with all those drunken people. I just wanted to spare myself the experience of lying awake listening to people throw up all night. ;)
So I told her that I'd probably sleep in a hotel instead. And...asked her if she wanted to join me. Reluctant at first, she eventually agreed and so we took off to get her and my stuff from my buddyies' appartment and headed for that hotel. Now that's the part were most of you will think: 'Wow - they cheated on their partners!'. Well - we didn't. Or we did. I guess it depends on how you define where cheating starts. Sexually nothing happened that night. We were both dressed all night through, we didn't even kiss. But still...the air was trembling because of the erotic tension between us.
So that night passed, we went back to my friends house the next day, we agreed that there had been nothing going on so we'd just leave it at that. We were both in relationships after all. So there's that.
I went home, I told my gf at the time what took place, she wasn't happy about the fact but glad that I told her and that was that...or so I thought (or wanted to believe at the time).

Short time later, she called and basically told me that she couldn't stop thinking about me. And it kind of felt the same for me. So we agreed to meet again in some city in the middle between the cities we lived in. We actually made each other believe that we were meeting up just to realize that there really weren't any feelings involved. Heh - we really tricked ourselves there! :D So anyway, we met. I drove there in secret (not proud of that), skipping work and telling my gf nothing. So we met, we spent an amazing summer day together and at the end, she actually kissed me. So we kissed and split. When getting out of the parking lot I saw her still standing there and she was crying. So I pulled over, she got in and we talked about how much this sucks and how bad we both feel - blahblahblah. Eventually she got on a train and I drove back home. To the appartment that I just recently moved in to with my gf. Yay.
My gf and I had "the talk" - and so I ended up living with my parents again. And so...the drama began.

Relationship - Take 1
After living with my parents for a while, some things that needed to happen, happened. I broke up with my gf. Or she with me or we with us...it was pretty mutual at the time. On a side note: that woman and I are pretty much best friends today and we both agree that even though the circumstances sucked back then, breaking up was the best thing that could've happened to both of us.
Anyway. So I was "free". She however was still with her bf and meeting me in secret. Which at the time had a nice appeal I must admit. So we met at a hotel (that would become our thing later) at the coast and spent a great weekend together. It was just perfect. I'll cut short a bit here - so eventually she broke up with her bf and we were officially unofficially a couple. Long distance relationship. Yay. But back then, even though I thought everything was cool - I was kind of heartbroken because my prior relationship broke apart (we'd been together for almost 8 years as I've mentioned). So that touched me more than I wanted to admit - which in turn meant that I wasn't quite able to commit to this new thing. In addition I was living with my parents, she was still living with her then ex-bf - so we met at hotels all over the country. And yes, it cost both of us a fortune. At the time, I was basically working to pay for hotels and mobile phone bills. But I paid that price gladly. And I still don't regret that at all. So anyway - the whole thing felt, as you probably can imagine, surreal. It was a relationship of sorts, but we didn't really build a propper foundation. We just enjoyed the time we spent together and talked a lot. But for some reason, we just forgot to actually start working ahead into the future. Well, I promised unbiased so if I say "we" it's really mostly "me" who didn't work on building a foundation. Long story short, this eventually led to a break up. I loved her, she loved me - but somehow I felt it wasn't working...so I broke up. And we wouldn't talk for weeks.

Relationship Take 2
A couple of weeks (or months? I don't recall to be honest) I approached her again, because I just couldn't stand being without her. I had no clue of how to be WITH her - but I knew that I didn't want to be without her. So we spent another couple of weeks dating, meeting being in a relationship until - once more (this will come more often - you've been warned) - I talked myself into something being "off" and I broke up with her again. As she managed to fully trust me again after the first breakup - this was, again, devastating to her. So by now it's early 2007 and we broke up twice already.

Relationship Take 3
Again, a couple of weeks/months later it was me - again - who approached her. I said I was sorry (and I was). I said that I'd change my behaviour (and I wanted to) and I wanted another chance. She on the other hand had a really hard time living with me gone. So this time, she was more careful with the whole trust thing. But we built something, I did change and - suprise, surpise - it worked out pretty well. For a while. Eventually my - by now - usual doubts crept up again and yet another breakup happened. By now you must wonder if I ever considered getting professional help because of this. And I did - I went to several therapists, had several sessions with each, wore my heart on my sleeve and was honest. And they were all just basically giving me a "you're just not that much into her" explanation. Anyway - so we were broken up. AGAIN. This time however, she figured (being the clever person in the relationship) that obviously the "relationship" status bothered me. So we went down the path of "friends with benefits". Because THAT always works so well. *cough* And in fact for me it did for a long time. But she was - as most of you can imagine - totally smashed by this situation. So eventually, that thing ended too. Early 2008, if memory serves me.
There I decided (as if you can decide something like that), that the whole thing had to end - because we were trying so hard to be happy that we ended up in a very, very unhappy place that wasn't good for either of us. Plus I realized that after each breakup we were drifting further and further apart. So we had no contact for months - again. I met her at a party in mid/late 2008 again and upon seeing each other we both kind of realized that we weren't through with this at all. So there was some fooling around but it didn't lead anywhere. Until, late 2009 we got together AGAIN.

Relationship Take 4
So we were together again and it lasted until May 2009. Where I once more fled the scene. By that time, (this thread so far proves it), there was so much baggage we were both carrying around that it was too much a burden for both of us (especially her) to bear. Tons of mistrust, etc. And even though we were both certain that we - even if in a twisted way - loved each other, we just couldn't figure out how to make it last. Understandably if you try to build a foundation on shattered dreams. So we split up again, I met another girl (different story not to be told here) but that didn't work out. So in late 2009 I contacted her again to talk things through, right the wrongs and finally make it work.

The Aftermath

So we really did talk. And even though there were tons of issues (adding to those already existing from years of the on/off relationship), she agreed to take me back (even though she said one break up earlier she never would). Which was the point for me where I finally realized (or most of me) that we were stuck in a vicious cycle that would probably go on forever if nothing would be done. So before things got serious, I took of again. Vowing to myself that I would not approach her again - not because I didn't want to but because I had to end this vicious cycle and snap out of it. So I explained it to her in a looooong letter. Lying to her about how I realized that I didn't love her and that that must have been the problem all those years. I knew I'd totally ruin her with that letter. But I wanted her to be genuinly mad at me so that after recovery she could find somebody else and finally be happy - because even though it might not seem like it: that's what I always wanted for her. I wanted her to be happy. Preferably with me of course - but that didn't seem to be in the cards anymore - so I did what I did. That was in May 2010. Almost one year ago. And even though it has been hard, I really didn't talk to her since then.

Notes on the text

You're probably wondering why she was so stupid to take me back all those times in the first place. Why she forgave me everything that I did and never lost hope. The romantic answer is of course that she loved me. Deeply. Like actual, true love. And that is a factor of course. Rationally though, I think (and that's what I realized in 2010) it's part of her mental issues. I won't share any details on those because it's not my place to talk about them - but it's nothing that I made up, they're there and are being treated. I guess that just made her take me back no matter what I did even at a point where no "sane" person would've done so.

Why did I write this?

Like I said in the beginning: I needed to get this off my chest. It's not like I haven't talked to friends about it. Right to the point where they start rolling their eyes when I mention her name - it's just...I need new opinions on that. I still miss her. Like crazy. I won't say that I think about her every day - that'd be a lie. But even after one year without contact. I still miss her. She haunts my dreams, I sometimes can't even fall asleep at all. She's still EVERYWHERE. Of course I put all memory-laden things in boxes. But she's still everywhere. I moved to a new city to get out of the appartment that I was living in when this whole thing happened. I meant to make a fresh start and still there are days (and nights) where I have to put A LOT of effort in not contacting her.
So why did I write this. You tell me. Maybe you have a tipp that I haven't tried yet of how to get over her. Or to stop the nagging "what if" questions that are all over my head at least. See - I guess I could move on, if I knew that she was in a happy relationship. That my "plan" worked. That might give me some closure. But I don't know that. The common friends we have shield her from me (for good reason) and tell me nothing. Plus I wouldn't dare to ask anyway. It's just...uch...I still have that twisted idea in my head that eventually it might work. Some day in the distant future. Or the not so distant future. What naggs me most is the idea, that potentially she's sitting at home right now too, thinking about me, being unhappy because she might think that I have moved on already (she always thought that I'd move on as soon as I broke up - even the fact that I always came back didn't change that).

Oh, the tragedy.

So in closing and as promised: thank you for having read this novel-like post. I appreciate it. And I'm totally curious about your thoughts. One last thing: despite my profile saying I'm from the UK - I'm not and english is not my first language. So if there are any odd words in the text or passages that don't make sense (I'm being selfassured enough to say: I doubt it :P :D) - I'm sorry. ;)

Well, do u run away because u are actually miserable while with her. Love can be there, but even if both sides love each other, expectations and the unexpressable misery that we dont directly feel may screw our minds up.
thoughts like: "yeah, i hope she was here.. but she isnt.", "may be if she could do this, i hope she does this.... but eventually she dont do it." , "if she could just be like *that girl.. how nice would that be".
for me, little stuff like these puts misery in the relationship, and could result someone wanting out.

*i'm not very experienced though, but i think u have a pretty interesting love story there, if someday u have kids.. it would be interesting to tell :D

Yeah, we always said that if things would work out - it would certainly be an amazing story for the kids. But I don't think that's still in the cards at this point. And no - I wasn't unhappy with a lot. Of course, if you put two people from entirely different backgrounds together there will always be "problems". But those were always easily fixed/mended. Or could've been - but I often blew them up out of proportion.

You sound like deeply in love with her too, and those problems can be fixed, so why did you do that to her? I really think true loves are hard to come by in one's life, and it won't happen a lot even, 1,2 times in a life time?! I don't know yet but so far with 3 relationships, I know I only truthly love one so far. How could you be sure that she would be happier without you? Maybe it's the other way around, maybe she had been upset n missed you like you did to her. What was the problem when you two were really in love n issues can be fixed? :-O

It's a good question for sure. For some reason I do feel "trapped" in relationships. That hasn't always been the case - but by now it seems to be that way. It's strange - I am longing for her and to be in a relationship with her but as soon as I get there and we're figuring stuff out, I always feel like I'm giving myself up. This analysis however is highly biased. I don't know if all that is actually happening or I'm making it up. In the relationship I always started to look for things that were "wrong" and focused on those things - ignoring all the good stuff. And as soon as I'm out of the relationship and by myself again it's (in that respect) like waking from a dream - looking back, seeing the "unsolvable problems", discover them as the tiny problems they actually are and wonder what I've done.

So I crawl back to her...and do it all over again. I don't want her to go through that anymore. She is or rather "was" wasting her life because of me. :(

I think your problem is scare of getting to next step or more serious? If you do, you better ask yourself what you really want and head for it. I know in every relationship, there are always problems and arguing, coz we are not perfect.

I think you need To figure out what you really want, her? Or someone else? Will you really be happy if she will be with someone else? And why did you feel trap with her but not some other relationships in the past? Is she a really great woman?

Ask yourself what you really want and go for it, certainly don't break her heart anymore if you still feel like you will be running again, that's not fair to always dig on bad parts, meant you were looking for problems, trust me I did it too n it's miserable thing to do.

actually, may be its the age?
do u have the thought that, " i might possibly meet someone better, more suited eventually" ?
for me, around 23.. i do harbour such thoughts, the world is so wide, yet.. i'm gonna be stuck in this relationship, as awesome as it is.. could the grass on the other side be greener?

Grass is always greener on the other side, right? but age? don't know. I'm 30 now - the thing started at 26. I should know what I want by now...but I'm really bad with 'should'. ;)