Trying to make this relationship work....

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11-04-11, 01:09 AM
soundboy96

Trying to make this relationship work....

Hi,

I met a woman back last August who I have fallen in love with. We have been officially dating about 2 months. Heres the background. She's 44. She is a bartender who lives in Vegas. She bartends off the strip at a quiet place. I am 28 and live in Wisconsin. This relationship is only happening because she knows in August I will be moving to Vegas.

We talk on the phone for about 2 hours a night and share many of the same hobbies and desires. This sounds corny but we even write in journals to eachother and exchange them when we see eachother in person. We are very close.

I come here because I have had a lot of little worries and want to see some opinions. She is a very mysterious woman. I can tell she is broken and has had a rough past. I always tell her I don't care about anything she's embarrassed or worried about in her past or anything she's ever done, as long as she's faithful to me. I love her for her and now. She was married and divorced 8 years ago and has 3 sons. She said she hasn't had a boyfriend in over a year. When she does things that upset me and I try to talk to her about it and work it out she avoids it and gives no good, meaningful answer. She doesn't like to talk about our problems which only make them worse inside.

The whole "Vegas bartender" thing hurts a little to. She said she always gets that label that she is a coined as "easy" because she is a bartender in Vegas. She usually is out to about 2 am. The rare occasion even as late at 5am. She always texts me everyday when she gets home to tell me goodnight, even though I am usually well asleep before she gets home. It's upsetting that once she goes out for the night with her people...she never texts or calls me. It's like once she goes out at night I am not in existence. She always tries to make her social life seem like its her job. She'll tell me she was out with other bartenders. She never calls them friends. Just bartenders. One time she said she was out promoting till 5am. I asked her promoting what. She said, "my bar." Hanging out with other bartenders so they will come into her bar and give her business. I see what she's saying but at the same time why not just say you are hanging out with your friends.

I know she loves me but it's like she wants people to think she's single so she gets more attention. When I go down to Vegas to see her...(once a month until I move out there) she introducess me to her friends as....her friend from WI and won't even touch me in front of them. Amongst our mutual friends we're in love and she holds my hand and we kiss, etc.

I want us to work so badly...I love this girl. I know she loves me. You can tell she isn't meant for relationships but is trying. She just won't change. She wants to still live that party life. She is 44 and wants to act like she's in her younger 20's. From when we were first talking to when we starting dating she does stay home a lot more and she said that's because she met me and wants to be on the phone with me.

I know most would tell me to just leave her but I want this to work. Does anyone have any tips on how I can keep this going without being stressed about it?
11-04-11, 01:32 AM
Boisdevie

So you are 28 and live god knows how many miles from Las Vegas
She is 44 (16 years older than you) and lives a long way from you

And you think it will work???????
Get a life. Find somebody your own age.
11-04-11, 01:34 AM
soundboy96

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So you are 28 and live god knows how many miles from Las Vegas
She is 44 (16 years older than you) and lives a long way from you

And you think it will work???????
Get a life. Find somebody your own age.

I'll be moving out there soon.
11-04-11, 02:34 AM
smackie9

I worked in a night club for 4 years and I know the lifestyle. I stayed clear of it because there was bathroom and hotel sex, a lot of coke and late night partying that I wanted no part of. She may not be cheating on you in a physical sense but she is, like you said, is being like she is single.

You are young and with my life experience (I'm 47 year old woman) I'm going to put this straight to you. You cannot change someone to suit your relationship needs. You both are at different points in your lives...that's why you struggle with this. You have never married, never experienced the responsibilities of husband, father or home owner. You are pretty much starting out. She has already been through that, she has done it, now being in her 40's, she is picking up on where she missed out....so ya she is living it up like a twenty year old. I'm guessing she still has her looks, so she is in no way going to waste this time being in a committed relationship. Dear this isn't going to last. She is enjoying being a cougar, has a young BF, but that is it to her. She is not going to drop her rock start lifestyle for you. You are just a play thing till she gets tired of you.

The only way you can change this is if you have loads of money so she can sit on her ass and not have to work....but even then I can see her clubbing it at all hours of the night with her new found money.
11-04-11, 02:37 AM
smackie9

So if you think she will settle down and live the white picket fence life..........you are dreaming.
11-04-11, 02:42 AM
soundboy96

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So if you think she will settle down and live the white picket fence life..........you are dreaming.

I respect your opinion! This situation is one of the toughest I've had to face. It sucks so bad.
11-04-11, 03:08 AM
smackie9

I know where you are coming from....you have so much to give, but unfortunately it's to the wrong person. Eventually she is going to feel guilty that she can't give you what you want and cut you loose. So I suggest you take it for what it is and enjoy it till it runs out.
11-04-11, 03:16 AM
soundboy96

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know where you are coming from....you have so much to give, but unfortunately it's to the wrong person. Eventually she is going to feel guilty that she can't give you what you want and cut you loose. So I suggest you take it for what it is and enjoy it till it runs out.

The hardest part is that it's like she won't let me leave her. I'm obviously weak. All this shit caused me 4 nights ago to break up with her. Within 20 minutes she was texting me and calling me and trying to make me feel guilty. Now we are talking again and trying to rebbuild what obviously is probably going to fail again. She never lets me leave then always throws out the line, "I always ruin the good things in my life." Then I feel bad and take her back.
05-10-11, 11:33 AM
poetrychic

Well, I've been told from when you aren't strong enough to get over someone...delete her number (i'm sure you have it memorized), block her number (you won't want to thou), change your number (but then you have to wonder if she ever tried to contact you), but, honestly...you can be the ONLY ONE that can decide to get over her, and it will be hard. It sounds like you are madly inlove with her, but, I agree with some of the others, because you are still young, never married, don't have kids, she's done all that, and she is 16 years older than you!! -she could be your mom! (a young one lol)! However, I've been told love can happen no matter what someones age...most I've dated younger or older is 5 years difference.

In my opinion, I think you should move on. But, whether or not you decide to do it is your choice, and only YOU can make that choice. There is someone out there for you, and it might or might not be her--but maybe time will have to just tell, for you to see who that special person will be in your life. Oh, and her staying out for hours...she's running away from her past or something, and you can't stop her or change her ways. I'm 38 with one kid, and I can barely stay away past 11! At her age, not sure how she does it, but I've went back to drinking sometimes when I'm depressed or smoking (cigs nothing else lol) when I'm depressed--its an outlet or crutch for me, but maybe that's the only life she knows. You need someone that won't be embarrassed to introduce you as their significant other, and I would bet your age has something to do with that. Not for sure thou. I do wish you the best, and try to follow what will truly make you happy....some quotes for you.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

“Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with those who are reckless with yours.”

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand”

“The heart is forever making the head its fool.”

“Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.” ***(has she ever been truly yours, or did she throw away the key to her heart long ago?) :(
05-10-11, 11:40 AM
poetrychic

Quote:

Originally Posted by soundboy96 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The hardest part is that it's like she won't let me leave her. I'm obviously weak. All this shit caused me 4 nights ago to break up with her. Within 20 minutes she was texting me and calling me and trying to make me feel guilty. Now we are talking again and trying to rebbuild what obviously is probably going to fail again. She never lets me leave then always throws out the line, "I always ruin the good things in my life." Then I feel bad and take her back.

...Also, stop letting her guilt you back into taking her back...maybe what she said is true, but she's the only one that can change her behavior, not you. Don't settle for her, when you can find someone that will truly have your heart and love you back the way you deserve to be loved...
06-10-11, 09:25 AM
soundboy96

Quote:

Originally Posted by poetrychic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I've been told from when you aren't strong enough to get over someone...delete her number (i'm sure you have it memorized), block her number (you won't want to thou), change your number (but then you have to wonder if she ever tried to contact you), but, honestly...you can be the ONLY ONE that can decide to get over her, and it will be hard. It sounds like you are madly inlove with her, but, I agree with some of the others, because you are still young, never married, don't have kids, she's done all that, and she is 16 years older than you!! -she could be your mom! (a young one lol)! However, I've been told love can happen no matter what someones age...most I've dated younger or older is 5 years difference.

In my opinion, I think you should move on. But, whether or not you decide to do it is your choice, and only YOU can make that choice. There is someone out there for you, and it might or might not be her--but maybe time will have to just tell, for you to see who that special person will be in your life. Oh, and her staying out for hours...she's running away from her past or something, and you can't stop her or change her ways. I'm 38 with one kid, and I can barely stay away past 11! At her age, not sure how she does it, but I've went back to drinking sometimes when I'm depressed or smoking (cigs nothing else lol) when I'm depressed--its an outlet or crutch for me, but maybe that's the only life she knows. You need someone that won't be embarrassed to introduce you as their significant other, and I would bet your age has something to do with that. Not for sure thou. I do wish you the best, and try to follow what will truly make you happy....some quotes for you.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

“Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with those who are reckless with yours.”

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand”

“The heart is forever making the head its fool.”

“Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.” ***(has she ever been truly yours, or did she throw away the key to her heart long ago?) :(

Thanks for this reply. The relationship ended back in May but this post and your quotes are very good.

I came to find out she was cheating on me. She had a boyfriend when we started talking that I didn't know about and it apperas some in between. I found some disturbing information and saw some disturbing pictures on her laptop. It was a heartbreaking thing but now that a few months have gone by I feel wiser and smarter. I was blinded the whole time by love. Now I can look back like...WOW! I really didn't get the hint she was cheating on me sooner! I knew the way she was acting was not normal but I kept tricking myself that she wasnt and trying to find any reason not to think she was. She was!
06-10-11, 04:11 PM
poetrychic

Quote:

Originally Posted by soundboy96 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks for this reply. The relationship ended back in May but this post and your quotes are very good.

I came to find out she was cheating on me. She had a boyfriend when we started talking that I didn't know about and it apperas some in between. I found some disturbing information and saw some disturbing pictures on her laptop. It was a heartbreaking thing but now that a few months have gone by I feel wiser and smarter. I was blinded the whole time by love. Now I can look back like...WOW! I really didn't get the hint she was cheating on me sooner! I knew the way she was acting was not normal but I kept tricking myself that she wasnt and trying to find any reason not to think she was. She was!

So sorry to hear that, but I guess it was best it happened...now you can see clearer! :) Love does a number on our brains and hearts! Hope you find someone soon that it all works out with and is closer to you age ;) Or atleast, not been through all those life experiences--but either way, whatever works for you! Good luck!