What Am I Suppose To Do? Please, I really need help.
Hi,
Me and my friend are good and close friends. we consider each other as brothers. A few months back, this girl joined our group, me, my friend and other good friends. she is a damn nice girl. i didnt hang out with them much as i am over committed with my school stuff. but recently, i am stepping down and have been hanging out with them a lot. i got to know the girl more. i didnt know that i have a crush for her. A month back, my good friend told me that he has feelings for her. back then, i didnt thought he will go for her and i didnt know that my feelings for her was a lot.
A few weeks back, we were all just hanging out in the neighbour hood. i left a bit early since my mum was making noise. the next day, my friend told me that when we were hanging out, he asked her on a date. so its was like a date/hang out. after he told me, i felt damn depressed and down. luckily he was in a very tired state and didnt notice my obvious reaction.
Few days later, my band, who are the group of good friends, had a gig. it was awesome. she and the other good friends came to support us. that night, we had our celebration at her house, since her family are away on a holiday trip. it was my first time getting drunk, i dont get drunk easily. i blabbered to my good friend that i have feelings for her. he was drunk too but he remembered. and he told her that i have feelings for her.
the next day, we all went back home, except for her. i felt damn shagged. me and my friend had a good talk from 4pm to 12 am. i told him that im fine with they being together. and told him to carry on. he asked me why i didnt tell him this earlier. i told him that i know that he will back off and i didnt realise i had feelings until the last minute. so, he is going on with her. i thought the feelings for her will fade off. but i was later proven wrong.
when she asked me if i have feelings for her, i lied to her that it was a small crush and it ended a long time ago. never met her for 2 weeks.
yesterday went clubbing with she and my good friend. the rest were not free. my friend was smoking, so she took me into the club as she knows the place well. when she grabbed my hand, i feel bad and uncomfortable. when we were dancing, i pretended to be amazed by the lights. then she put her hands on me, i just felt uncomfortable as she is my friend's girl. she took her hands off later. she is a good friend, and holding hands meant nothing to her. when my friend came, i felt a bit relief. we all drank, but i was normal. he was abit high. then she put her hands on his shoulder, and i just felt damn heartache and sad. he puts his hands on her waist. and i just walked out of the dance floor to have a cigarette. her own girlie friends came so she like danced with them and he was just high. he dance with everyone. that was one or two time when he was behind her, her back facing him. his hands on her hips. and he just lie on her shoulder. the whole night continued with me just a few feets from them.
they are almost together but just not official boyfriends and girlfriends. i felt damn shitty and i just want to go to bed or mosh in some moshpit. i feel sad but happy. i feel jealous and glad at the same time. i know i have no chance even if my friend backed off. i tried listening to happy and relaxing music, but it helped for a while. i have been messaging her from the celebration after gig. only a few days back, i stopped messaging her. i have no idea what to do.
Please, i need your help. please. cause its killing me slowly. im dying everyday, i know its not the worst problem. but its still a problem that i cant escape. i want to have feelings for her and i dont want to have feelings for her. what am i suppose to do?
