Challenge if you think you know the real meaning of love...
I'll start by stating that this post is about issues surrounding the love between my girlfriend and I. I am very spiritually inclined, and have a DEEP connection to nature. I want to be given anything that your awareness knows how to make my psychology transcend into a more LOVE mode. Connect me to the whole hearted love that seems to be stuck in oblivion, the love I desire to carry for my partner.
The story goes between me being in a love/hate mood for her all the time. It was back and forth in the dualistic tugs that made me want to love her and what made me want to not have her at all. Honestly, and up to this day, the need to not have her outweighs many reasons for me to have her, within my own self. Of course, she has always LOVED me, but day number one (since we met) seems to have been an opposite thing between us. For her, it was true love and beauty at first site, but for me, I could've cared less to have her or not. She runs for the moment to see me, and I don't really care to be with her frankly.
The reason I got back together with her after the first three break-ups was for the sake of me not being lonely, and saving her from having life perils. They say the person you are with now is the person you are supposed to be with. After some time on our fourth attempt (we took it really slow this time), and after several spiritual breakthroughs, I have postulated an equation within myself that exemplifies that I have an emotional desire to hold pure love for this girl, even though the inevitable inability to love her seems to make things a lot more tiresome. I have a strong will, and have faith that if there is a strong enough will for anything, then there is indeed a way to find any treasure to your heart's content.
Do I want to save her? No.. Do I care about my loneliness? Somewhat, but I feel that that has little to nothing to do with running a real relationship. I have little attachment for her, which can be good, and I have had a lot of attachment before, but that didn't work out too well and ended up sparking the love/hate duality. The love that I speak of when I say love/hate is extremely irrelevant to how my inner self deeply feels. This love is what I call humanly. The love she has for me is what I call divine love, the highest form of expression that has been given to our material realm.
The real reason I am here is to see if you think it is capable for me to have this love for my partner. I want to have the sole ability to LOVE her. Whether you are into spirituality or not, I have seen my love for her, and it is very small, almost like a trickle, and it seems all I can do is transcend all the negativity generated by the mind or ego or whatever. This helps fantastically, and I managed to totally wipe away the love/hate duality. But now the new problem has arisen, and I will tell you what that is...
I can't LOVE her.
You tell me - what is it I need to do in order to access this deep rooted secret? I want to have the ability to hold all the love in the universe for this girl, but it seems I am more based on fundamental will-power and wisdom, while the love is just WEAK. Love grows, becomes more of what it already is, but what I have for her won't grow at all. I can continue transcending my old ways more and more (anger, resentment, unjust actions) and become a better partner for her, or am I really just making it quit working by working for her? I want to be happy with her, and she is happy with me.
Why can't I sincerely feel the LOVE within my own self? What is holding me back? I would much appreciate your input as this is becoming an impact on my advancing our relationship period. I fear that if I can't access this feeling, truth, submission into oneness with her, then my dualistic personality will one day return to render past ways into feeling a need to break off again. I don't want to hurt her any more, I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy with her.
