I don't know how to carry on
I am currently 36 and my heart is laying shattered on the floor.... after having a very bad time two years ago and going through a heart breaking split just before getting married I met what I thought was the man of my dreams shortly after. I am at my mum and dads and I have not stopped crying for 9 days. I have two weeks off work luckily but I feel like i don.t know how to carry on. ...I keep blaming myself and feel like I will never ever have children at my age and that I will never find anyone to love me....
when I first met him I fell for him...I did everything I could to make him happy...I was still hurting from my previous split but I wanted to make it work so much and I know at times I was sensitive. see I did so much for him yet he never seemed to pay out for anything in the beginning and he use to come around to my house and I would provide wine ...food etc and rarely did he bring anything around with him... He lived in a rented house with his brother and every time I went around there was never much in the way of warmth and half of the things I gave to him....I carried on and thought if I loved him .....cared for him he would come around... His brother was hard work and we had to go out with him all the time and he really put us through it as i feel he was jealous of our relationship....My partner let his brother do this to us and 9 months later they were asked to leave there rented accommodation. My partner said he did not want to get another contract with his brother and felt that we should move in together. I was so happy and felt made up that he chose me over his brother to live with. He wanted to except a job in 6 months up north and wanted me to go with him....I tried so hard to get a job in the area that he wanted me to move to and atlas after much heartache it was to difficult. My boss blocked me at work because he did not want me to leave and I had a harrowing time constantly thinking my partner would leave without me. I lived in fear of the day he was going to say I'm sorry but I'm still going but he never left me... living with him was hard....he never did much in the way of taking me out ...doing the little things that counted and i felt lost...I was always seeming to do lovely things for him and he never went above and beyond for me...his brother wrecked our moving in and fell out with us for two weeks as he said he felt deserted. His brother was to go on making it much more difficult for us and there is just to much to mention... The thing is my partner never did anything to make it stop.....he was always there for his brother but not me...I started to get a complex because he would say I was to sensitive and I started to get frustrated inside.... to cut a long story short when I could not get a job we went to plan b moving abroad... we both agree to it but I felt that we never just made time for us...he dreamed about going away yet he would never talk about how we were going to make it happen...he never wanted to plan and we were supposed to be getting married to get a visa agreed. Anyway I began to have outbursts of frustration and kept ending our relationship through frustration and fear... he would then say we have a bright future and i would believe in him yet still nothing ....a cycle began ...it would build up i would end it in tears or say i just cant take this any more you never talk to me about plans etc...
why did I do this? He left and said it was over and that he could not take the ups and downs any more and that it was over..Im left feeling gutted and misunderstood...he finished with me by text to my phone and when I drove straight away to his mums as he said he was not coming home he talked to me with hate in his eyes... said his feelings had changed towards me... i said what about what you have put me through...your brother ...the never talking to me and he responded i realise that i never talked about plans because I have not been happy for a year... We had some great times together and I just feel so used now....the way he finished with me by text the way he told me to get of my knees when I was kneeling next to him and the way he sent me home in the car crying my eyes out on a 45mins trip back to my house. he couldn't care less if i had crashed and to add insult to injury he left me crying alone in the service station hysterical after saying he would be there in 20mins he had no intention of turning up...I sat there alone in bits and when I rang his mum she said he is not coming......
I don't know how to get through this and I feel devastated.. cant eat or sleep ... I'm lost in this nightmare and I'm hoping someone will pinch me and wake me up... I wake up in the morning and for a split second I think he is there and then it all comes crashing down onto me again....what do I do ..how do I carry on and stop putting my family through this? I see couples together and they are happy with kids and me I will go home to an empty house alone with the memories of him everywhere I turn....please help I'm desperate XXXX I feel he never knew what we had... I wanted that chance to speak to him to let him know how I lived in fear of losing him and how all the moving away and never having stability effected me but he would not listen.....no wonder i was sensitive....its not me though I'm not that person... he just does not know this??? why would he not here me out and how could he just stop loving me like that when I thought we were so close? I was not bothered about the marriage thing or the going away...just scared that if I went abroad with him that unless we were married he could have easily have said i cant be bothered to try anymore its over...am I wrong to want that commitment if I was giving up my job...house etc... really all I wanted was time with him....not the constant planning of a new life here there and everywhere.... I was just to scared to admit to him that this is all I wanted... so sorry to go on....its been 9 days and ive heard nothing...hes moved his stuff out and i wonder if he will lever contact me again....
