I have so many unanswered questions... my heart is in shambles.
So I've never really posted on a forum before. But I am feeling so lost and so very sad. I am ashamed of how I'm feeling, honestly. I am a psych student and I work in an inpatient mental health hospital--I'm in school to become a doctor. So I feel like I should be able to take my own advice... and deep down I know I should just leave...
Anyway... I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We have lived together for 4 1/2 of those years. I knew I loved him after maybe 2 months of dating him. I ignored a lot of red flags as a result... for example, he went on vacation after we had been together for about 4 months and called to tell me he couldn't wait to see me when he got home. We made plans for when he'd get home and I went out and got tons of ingredients to make a nice dinner and even spent about $60 on lingerie (I was so excited to see him). But he called about an hour before he was suppose to come over to tell me he was going out with his friends and he'd be over a little later. He never showed up. I laid awake crying that night wondering what was going on and why he didn't even have the decency to call after I had gone through the trouble of making dinner. The next day he posted pictures of himself and a girl pretty much all over each other. He told me he got drunk and passed out and that's why he never called.
Flash forward a bit. It took him 10 months to tell me he loved me. And he only did it because one of his friends was talking to me and he was jealous for one reason or another. We were living together by that point and I had made a habit of working and going to school and still coming home after a long day and cooking and cleaning... I also did all grocery shopping. My whole world revolved around what I could do to make him happy. But I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. He never talked about a future with me. Finally, after about 3 years, I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years. He is a "professional wrestler" and he told me he saw himself wrestling in the WWE. When I asked him where that left me he said, "you'll be there." That didn't really answer my question. So finally I was more forward and asked him if he wanted to marry me. He told me that one day he might but that he didn't know when that would be... and the words that still stab like daggers were next... he said, "I could die before I'm ready." I was devastated that he could coldly just tell me that. I just broke down and started crying and he didn't even try to console me. I became really distraught and depressed. I would cry daily and I had a really difficult time keeping up with everything. Finally one day I asked him why he never tried to comfort me and he told me that he just wasn't going to lie to me or tell me what I wanted to hear. I left that day and went to my parent's. I also found out once I was gone that he had been cheating on me for several months with a 19-year-old (he was 27 at the time).
After living away from him for several months he came back to me on his hands and knees crying. He told me how much of an idiot he had been and that he knew I would be the best wife and mother and he wanted me to be his wife. He told me he would never stop trying to prove to me how much he wanted that with me. Well... here we are 2 years later and he still doesn't want to even be so much as engaged. I just don't understand. I feel so inadequate and unappreciated. He just keeps telling me the same thing he did 2 years ago when he left. He says that he doesn't know when he'll be ready. He keeps telling me that things just aren't perfect enough. Last October he told me when I confronted him that it wouldn't even be 2 months. He even laughed at me and told me I was silly to think that I was his "forever girlfriend". Now he's telling me he has lied to me every time he has ever made one of those promises, that he HAD to tell me those things to "keep me". I just don't even know what to do. I had so many feelings: pain, anger, confusion, sadness. I feel like I must not deserve to be loved in that way... like I'm not good enough.
I also know that he's told his friends that I'm "crazy" for wanting to get married and that they've joked about him kicking me out. That's another thing... he bought the house we are now living in a year ago. I didn't sign the mortgage because we aren't engaged. So I have no rights at all to this house even though I've contributed financially and I have helped to maintain it. He just acts like I have no reason to feel like this and when I try to talk to him about it he just shuts down. He says it's because I told him that I was looking at apartments and condos--which is true--but I don't understand why he thinks that's so terrible especially if he's been talking about kicking me out.
I probably typed too much... probably more than anyone cares to read. I just need some help. I feel horrible. I feel invisible, like I'm nothing and like I'm worthless. Why would he have come back after I left the first time and lied?? Why would he sting me along for 2 more years when he KNEW what I needed and wanted. I'm so hurt and angry. I know if I leave it won't bother him and he'll probably just find some other girl to move in here. I feel like everything I've done for 5 years doesn't matter. I just want to know why??? When I ask him he won't answer me. But I really just need to know why and how he could do this to me. Why doesn't he want to take the next step with me? I feel so pathetic coming on here and saying all of this... but I don't know where else to turn...