I think I have fallen in love with the wrong guy - hear my story?
Ok, before you carry on reading this, I must tell you - I am a horrible person. Well, that is what I am leading myself to believe that is through the past few weeks anyway. I feel like I have messed up the lives of two boys that I care about very much. I know there is alot of writing, but I have shortened it as much as I possibly can.
Ok, so to begin I met my boyfriend 'Elliott' (Please forgive me for not using their real names here) in January. It was at this huge event around where we lived and we didn't actully start talking untill I got home with a new friends request on facebook. We started talking and I quickly learned he was a kind of relaxed emo guy. I aslo, talk to his best friend who maybe wasn't online as much - lets call him 'Jack'. I found myself becoming great friends with these two, and it wasn't before long Elliott told me that he really really liked me. I must also say, this was before I actully heard him over the phone. Anyway, I was in secondary school and he was in college; in my head I was complete smitten that a guy my type that had the same nerdy intrests in me actully really liked me. At first, I didn't say it back. I have had many other guys saying that they liked or even loved me and I knew it would have been saying to say feelings that were not really there. However, not before long he told me he was in love with me - all of this over instant chat. We started talking over the phone for hours and hours every night and I do not regret it at all as I really did enjoy talking to him.
Shortly, we decided to meet in person. He of course brang along his best friend Jack so I got to know him alot aswell. Elliott and I kissed, cuddled and often had couply moments.
If you have read this far done, I would like to thank you so so much. I promise this is almost over. <3
As more time has gone on, we havent had that much alone time together. However I look at him now and I do not find myself as attrative to him as I once did. I mean, I would say I loved him, I would kiss and such as I was always a personality kind of girl. However, he personality also bugged me. Elliott told me all of his old secrets from his passed and he told me that he was very very depressed about everything and he got angry very easily. I wasn't scared however, the time we had had together was amazing.
So now, I do not find myself as attached to him. I do not like to kiss him as harsly as he would like to and cuddle him in bed when my friends are over. This makes him very mad and then he will not talk for the whole night and when he does it's something vile and crude to me or my friends. Honestly, I knew everyone has their fawls - it was just him. But, I feel like I would probaly just like to be his friend more then anything else. This is why I would like to break up with him and do my very very best to stay his friend. I mean, I love this man just not in the right way and hurting his feelings would eat me up inside. But, I knew from about a month ago that I was staying with him for longer then I would have liked to for a reason - I was trying to make he work, sadly, I am still not attrated to him at all.
However, there is a much deeper problem - Jack. He is amazing, and I would hate to lose both Elliott and Jack in the case of breaking up with Elliott. And it hit me not so long ago... that my feelings for Jack just grew and grew! He is amazing, wild and happy. But most of all - he makes me laugh so much. And all the time am with Elliott I do not feel that. Everytime Elliott had grabbed me in a lock of his arms my gaze always seems to look up to Jack how is staring back at me before turning away. So... I tried so hard to fall in love with Elliott, but I fell for Jack by mistake!
Jack and I have our moments, however Jack is one year older then Elliott and he will be going to univercity soon. (Four year age differance). But I would have never of cheated, ever. I wouldn't even hold Jacks hand in the best friend or do anything sugguestive. I feel terrible. I do not want to hurt Elliott, I know him so well and I just want to make sure he is ok. But, I am such a lively happy girl and I need someone that is as happy as I am. Onto another story, we all went to the beach a few days ago. Elliott of course didn't want to go in the water, so he stayed with my friends. Jack and I were in swimming suits standing on large rock as the water came in around us. Basically, I think I told him my feelings for him already. We had say the words "I love you." to each other many times as friends would so. I told him that. He said it back. I said it again. He said it back again. Not before too long he said. "Ok, I havent changed my mind in the last second, I am still loveing you." And I replyed something along the lines of: "I love you..." while looking dead right into his eyes. Jack is extremly div about love. He has never been kissed or on a date with a girl. From the moment on, we looked at each other and I know one thing he cannot stand is eye contact. Later on as we dryed off, I went over to him and said I was sorry. He smiled and said "That wass fine." Again, I do not think he realised what I meant.
I cannot hurt Elliott though... I love him! To bits! He is someone I care about, just not in the way.
So please, some adive would be great. I would like to know how should I break up with Elliott? Should I tell Jack how I feel or should I just leave it forever? Who should I tell first?
I know I have a great chance that I will lose both of them here. But please, any words will help.
Thank you.
