Really complicated i think i am going insane! Please help :(
Hi everyone, I hope someone can help
(on re reading this I have realised it is still incredibly long really sorry)
I am in a very complicated situation, yesterday I joined this forum and wrote a whole description of my relationship with my ex, it was really long and then my computer lost it, so I will try and summarise because I know everyone says it but this isn’t just a normal break up situation
At the age of 12 my ex and I met on an online chat room, we spoke and texted every day for years, and we used to use our whole credit on each other, occasionally we would webcam but they didn’t work much back then
The whole time he was secret form my family, but his family knew about me and as well as knowing my ex inside out I though of his 2 brothers as my brothers to, we were all really close even though we hadn’t met up personally until we were 18 when my family went away one time without me and he came down to me, 300 miles on his restricted motorbike. We had an amazing time and we both lost our virginity together
A few months later after I passed my driving test I admitted about him to my parents, they did freak out a bit, but they agreed I could come up and spend time with him, and following on form that we used to see each other every few months and still talk all the time, then every month, then every other weekend, then every weekend, then to a point I was practically her most of the time in the summers. I was doing uni in my hometown.
One year he had a serious motorbike accident and it changed him a bit...he was never quite the same quite as loving and doting but I still loved him so much and we stayed together through it all
When I finished uni I eventually moved up here, for the first month I was sort of in limbo, some of my stuff at his parents some at mine. Things were the best they had been for ever I think if only e could have lived at his parents his life would have been complete. We had our moments but we always worked through everything, we had a massive argument the day we got the key for the flat but after a bit of time once he finally moved in the bed we were amazing together and really happy. I never stopped him doing anything but he seemed to feel like I wanted to stop him doing stuff
Not long before Xmas I suspected that something was going on with him and his friend’s girlfriend, he denied it so much. Around the same time his family dog got ill, and then over xmas we all stayed (me and his brothers and their gfs) at his parents. one of the brothers gf and the other brother slept together on xmas eve. it was a terrible situation, and we had to try and hold the family together. But on new years day I found out that in between that week he had gone ahead and met up with this other girl! We broke up. Then we decided to have a 2 week break. I will be honest I felt like my whole life fell apart, and I tried to kill myself.
Gradually I got a bit stronger, and at the end of the 2 weeks he was still unsure, I told him to just leave. He didn’t he said I had rushed him but he wanted to be with me. Over the next few months we got to a really strong place. He had to go away with his work and we had nearly 2 weeks apart, he really realised how much he loved me over that time, we were the strongest we'd ever been...
Somewhere in his head this meant that he could talk to this girl again?? He then lied about it, and lied about it again after he said he would agree to not see her and then he still was going to. I broke it off, with a totally broken heart, because I couldn’t trust him and really I didn’t want to end it with him, I wanted him to fight for me, and I had people on at me all the time saying but u said if he saw her again that would be it. That’s the true reason why I ended it, I would of stayed with him and worked through it. Oh we broke up for a few days and got back together in the middle of that too. This was at the end of March 2010
We continued for nearly 2 months still seeing each other occasionally. He said he needed to be single. We both thought we would end up back together in the end, we still went on our holiday and acted like a couple, things were going well, then he quietened off. I then found out he was seeing this other girl, with a kid (one of our only things we disagreed over was children, also in the time we weren’t together but still sleeping together I had a pregnancy scare ) I was understandly distraught, and things got silly, he said we should not see each other for a few months. it killed me, a few days later I got a 200 phone bill for his phone which was in my name! I got it blocked and told him he had to pay it, he said he would, then it got unblocked and I was told the payment failed. I got it closed off again he never paid that bill my dad did in the end. over that eh started threatening me (I say he, he threatened to send his gf over, and it was the gf threatening me, I still don’t think he would ever touch me, but she probably would), I was pretty scared. I got the police involved and he stopped contacting me. He changes his number, and even though I thought about him every single day I couldn’t contact him
Then one day out of the blue he texts me and was asking for money, trying to be all nice, I said I couldn’t give it to him which I truly couldn’t. It got out of hand with his new gf getting involved threatening me, and even his mum getting involved I was being totally harassed. I had to get the police involved one day when I was so scared that his girlfriend would be waiting for me and beat me up. She wasn’t there that time, I had someone form work escort me home to make sure I was safe! About a week later though she did show up, was hammering on my door I was petrified to the point I called 999. After that I got a solicitor involved telling them to stop harassing me and that I didn’t owe them any money (which I proved as I kept all the paper work for everything)
So a few more months passed, and I still thought about him, I didn’t have any contact, then about a week before xmas I heard he was due to be proposing to his new girl, after like 6 months which is stupid in my eyes anyway. Well I still had a load of stuff of his in my attic, and I was feeling quite strong I thought (LOL what was I thinking I was definitely not strong at all) I sent him a nice email just wishing him well in the future, and hoping he and his family had a better xmas than the year before and asking him to get his stuff so we could have total closure. |
Well he sent me a really lovely reply, saying that my message had made him cry and that he'd been wanting to contact me all along and he cared about me and the such. We spoke a little, through email, I was at home for xmas. In the first week of January he came by to collect his stuff. We just talked for a bit and it was like we hadn’t been apart even though it had been nearly 7 months, nothing seemed to have changed, except obviously he was with someone else and all the hell he had put me through....he got up to leave, he said he needed to come for the boxes another day as he had a bad back, we hugged and well that was it, we had this chemistry we ended u kissing and inevitably sleeping together. The whole time we were kissing I was crying and saying we shouldn’t even though I wanted to so bad and he agreed we shouldn’t but something drove us forward. We agreed it was a one off, closure. Yeh right
Since then he ha stopped by pretty much every week, to every 2 weeks, sometimes once sometimes a couple days in a week. We don’t always sleep together. Sometimes I feel really used like it just sex, other times we talk for ages and just cuddle and he says about how much he misses being able to do that with me.
He broke up with his girlfriend / fiancé and turned up at mine in a total state. To stop him being a danger to anyone on the road I said he could stay, we got in bed together it was nice but he was all over the place. Oh I also made him phone his family and let them know he was safe. I could hear his dad on the phone, clearly disliking his new girlfriend. /By the way they broke up over her putting off him moving in AGAIN for the hundredth time. Well he didn’t end up staying the whole night eh left in the middle of the night. I didn’t see him for a while after that. Then he came back to turning up randomly again.
Then the other week he did spend the whole night, we just hugged all evening and talked, I was falling asleep and he said we should go to bed, which we did he said not to let him be late for work, I said my alarm was early anyway, I don’t really know how he ended up staying but he did spend the whole night. We did sleep together. He talked about wandering if I was the one. And he said that if it didn’t work out with his other girlfriend he would come back to me and we could start a family (he knows that my dream) when I questioned him light-heartedly about it another time he said he didn’t remember
Sometimes im sure I hear him say he loves me but if I say what he says something different. Or sometimes he says he does love me and wishes he didn’t and stuff and questions if he made a mistake. On his own admission his new girl was a rebound. He says they are proof rebounds work. I think he’s just trying to prove a point.
Well anyway when he stayed he left his socks! It has taken me a few weeks to get him to take the silly socks away. I gave them to him the next time he came over, but he left them in my recycle box which I asked him to ring in for me coz I have a bad back at the moment. He said he left them to annoy me.(part of me wnders if it was another excuse to have another reason to come back) He was due to come over yesterday and was going to take them but he didn’t, I got so upset I burst into tears when I saw his socks! it was stupid, I was ready to just tell his girlfriend right then but im not an evil person, though I know I am doing a lot worse than what was done to me, I guess this is crazy but I see it more like he is cheating on me with her still which is probably ridiculous!
So today he turned up, text me said r u in I said yes but I hadn’t showered yet but I would be quick. I have been leaving my front door open the last few days during the day because my flat is like a green house, so I was surprised like 15 mins later to come out of the bathroom and he was sat there, I got dressed quickly but didn’t have time to do my make up and the rest, we sat and hugged for a bit I said he was quick getting there, we talked for a bit, then inevitably kissed. It’s so natural for us. Then we slept together. I said I wanted us to hang out a bit before the sex, but in the end it didn’t happen. We did hug for a while after. it wasn’t the best sex, like it was nice and all but I couldn’t move much with my back being bad.(I've got to say he definatly isn’t selfish in bed so its not like he is just trying to get his own end away) After a bit I went and got ready did my hair and make up, then came back to hugging him, a little while later when he realised the time and he had to be at his nans for dinner he got up really quick and my hair clip broke, I was like oh no! and he felt really bad about it, like the care in his eyes, I know right over a hair clip I need to get a grip!
But then later on msn he signed on I asked him how his dinner was etc, he said it was nice, we had a nice convo, then I joked and said I could come over and help him pack (he is apparently finally moving in with this girl on Friday, I highly doubt it will happen) and we laughed about it, then he said he was going to bath, I guess he had to get me off him before he went and got his girlfriend from her job.
Then he started saying to me not to dare ruin things between them...and that if I did he wouldn’t be with me I would just ruin his life and hers and her sons, it was out of nowhere! And I felt really shit after that. Coz we had been talking about maybe going to some random pub somewhere so we could go out and not have any chance of sex. The thing that made it worse was he left his facebook signed in he helped himself to my laptop when I was in the shower, and when I realised I was really good. I mean I totally could of screwed him over right there, but I didn’t, but that didn’t seem to count for anything.
He finally took his socks though.
So now I don’t know what to expect????
In the mean time I have tried to meet other people, tried to get over him, tried so many times to talk to him heart to heart and end us seeing each other. The first few times it was this is the last time, but we don’t even kid about that anymore, this is a full blown affair I think?
I have met a few people, and I know there are at least 3 people I could easily have relationships with, but the problem is and you will think im totally insane now (if you don’t already)-
If I got with someone
1. I wouldn’t love them because I am still in love with him
2. I would feel like im cheating on him (because that is exactly how I have felt just from talking to ppl)
3. if I was with someone, and my ex turned up at the door I couldn’t turn him away, then I’d be a cheat, and I don’t want to become that
I guess time will show right?
He has said if there is one more excuse why he cant move in with her then thats it, but hes said that a few other times to.
To put this in perspective, we met talking wise age 12, we were on and off together all those years, basically growing up emotionally together
Age 18 we met physically. I was 18 he was 17 but nearly 18 (if there are Americans on here the age in UK is 16 so thats all fine)
Age him 18 he had his bike accident
Age 21 we moved in together
Age me 22 him 21 we broke up...literally a few days before his birthday. He still took me to his birthday dinner with his family he said he didn’t want to go if he couldn’t have me with him
Age 22 both all the stuff that happened last summer
Age 23 him 22 we started talking again
Age 23 us both, he just had his birthday, and a few days later he stayed at mine over night
This fiasco has been going on, like we have been officially broken up for over a year, we have been on and off together not including this year for 10 years so though we are young its the biggest bit of my life.
I know this is really long but I really need some fresh perspective on the overall situation because I have been upset today when he did show, and upset yesterday when he didn’t, I have cried over a pair of socks and over a hair clip (that he helped me chose one summer in this little shop)
Am I totally insane? Any insight would really help
Thanks
Kezzy xxxx
