abusive relationship

Hello.

I was in a relationship with a woman (both 32 y.o.a.) that ended badly. Maybe most do. Anyhow, here's my concern.

For several months (maybe 5) things were basically ok. Lots in common, lots of passion, good sex, spiritual connection, intellectually compatible. However, it began seeming as though she was often hiding things. She was reluctant to communicate. She seemd to think I was jealous. She would often say she was going out with a friend even if I knew the guy's name. She could also be incosiderate in other ways. If I'd do something for her like get her a ticket for a trip together, she would say that I had not considered her priorities in terms of when we'd leave and get back, even though I had specifically asked her what worked for her and done what she said (her boss and her didn;t get along so well, and she seemed to be afraid that her boss would not like how much time we were taking off), for example. She became very defensive when I asked her why she was doing that (the ticket thing, for example) and there was no getting her to see that she was being unfair. She was also often accusatory of ME doing things that SHE was doing (being late many times, not considering me in decisions or how things sounded like when she always said she was seeing a "friend", usually without inviting me along to meet the friend, for example). It felt abusive from her end. However, the arguements became so defensive that they felt lke a war of words (she often reinterpretted things I'd say were bothering or affecting me such that they could be construed as insignificant things that bothered me), and I became very angry with this after a while. I began shouting (I had tried speaking softly - defensiveness, I tried asking "what if I had done this to YOU? how would YOU feel?" - defensiveness) sometimes. She still didn't understand (and in retrospect, I know shouting di not help). I even got right in her face when she became especially belligerent. I regret to say that once, I even slapped her. I did not intend to - it was dark, and I became frustrated and swung my hand mocking frustration, but by fingers hit her chin. This was many many months into the relationship when it felt all avenues were exhausted (though I certainly never intended an avenue involved striking or physical fright).

Would you consider her abusive? Would you consider me abusive? Is there any hope? I've offered to pay for counseling for us - she was agreeable, but made no effort to help me seek it or arrange for a time to go. What else could have been done?

Thank you.

no, there is no hope any longer 4 the two of you, becuz u ghave entered a line that should not have been crossed. no matter what ever happens u should not hit a woman! & she should not lay her hands on you either. thats just it sometimes things work sometimes they dont! this relationnship has been unhealthy for a long time, and yeah maybe counseling should be in order but for yourself and seperatley, the fact that you smacked her makes me think of your inability to cope and what you will do to the next girl when things are not going your way. obviously you guys dont bring out the best in eachother and are not willing to compromise on things either. let this go and take some time and focus on you.

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Originally Posted by blue

no, there is no hope any longer 4 the two of you, becuz u ghave entered a line that should not have been crossed. no matter what ever happens u should not hit a woman! & she should not lay her hands on you either. thats just it sometimes things work sometimes they dont! this relationnship has been unhealthy for a long time, and yeah maybe counseling should be in order but for yourself and seperatley, the fact that you smacked her makes me think of your inability to cope and what you will do to the next girl when things are not going your way. obviously you guys dont bring out the best in eachother and are not willing to compromise on things either. let this go and take some time and focus on you.

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Do you feel this is so even if the contact made was a mistake (the contact itself was completely unintentional) and if we got help, individually or together?

I have never been in a relationship that seemed so dark in some ways - it honestly felt that she was manipulating me, almost like a passive aggressive/obsessive compulsive personality disorder person. However, we connected on a level we (I, certainly, and I take her word for it) have not experienced and it seemed that, with some guidance concerning our communications, it might have been life long love. I still love her very much and wish for nothing less than her complete happiness and would do all I could to contribute to it. I did not feel that she would have done the same, but I understand that she has more subtle ways.

I do know that the contact was not right, accident or no. I have never struck a person before. It is something I will speak with counselor over, though, as I would not want such an accident to occur again.

What are your impressions of the behavior of my girlfriend? Are you sure you are not just hearing the word "strike" and feeling that it is indubutably hopeless?

Thank you so much for your consideration.

ok what i will tell you is that i can relate becuz i in a past relationship that i connected i mean in every which way and i loved him and he loved me i acted the same way she did, i was plain out a bitch and i ;at some point became phkysical towards him first, it was horrible that then yes it di get to the point where like you he became physical with me and would finally yell at me, and i know to most in here that know me and just to myself i loved him he loved me but we because of our inability to communicate and always trying to be right and always being on the defensive it just was an unhealthy relationship!!! there were also some other factors such as drugs such as craNK that played into alot of aggresion. a line was crossed and my suggestion is that you now have been in a way by her mentally abused and because of her actions you have changed she does not bring the best out in you. i do have to admit that we finally did wrk things out, but in the end it was just too late you reached that point of no return! her behavior is not right and neither is yours. take a break, maybe some growing up is in order here on both parts and that may take time but for now leave this alone because the next blow out maybe worst because you guys have already gone there.just because you love someome and i do understand how you feel soes not mean that its right.

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Originally Posted by blue

ok what i will tell you is that i can relate becuz i in a past relationship that i connected i mean in every which way and i loved him and he loved me i acted the same way she did, i was plain out a bitch and i ;at some point became phkysical towards him first, it was horrible that then yes it di get to the point where like you he became physical with me and would finally yell at me, and i know to most in here that know me and just to myself i loved him he loved me but we because of our inability to communicate and always trying to be right and always being on the defensive it just was an unhealthy relationship!!! there were also some other factors such as drugs such as craNK that played into alot of aggresion. a line was crossed and my suggestion is that you now have been in a way by her mentally abused and because of her actions you have changed she does not bring the best out in you. i do have to admit that we finally did wrk things out, but in the end it was just too late you reached that point of no return! her behavior is not right and neither is yours. take a break, maybe some growing up is in order here on both parts and that may take time but for now leave this alone because the next blow out maybe worst because you guys have already gone there.just because you love someome and i do understand how you feel soes not mean that its right.

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Thank you so much for your words. I am so sorry you suffered like you did.

I can completely appreciate your thinking we should take some time appart. That is her opinion as well and I very much respect it. It seems quite wise.

There are no drugs involved in my situation, but maybe worse if there is such a thing. I think she was abused as a child. Mainly verbally and emotionally. Her mother had very harsh standards (and has for many people) though could not achieve them herself. Maybe why she had such strict standards, though there might be more.

I am curious: it sounds that you and he my ex may have some similarities. Why do you think you were bad to your boyfriend? I am sorry if too personal, but I hope that with the anonymity of this you may be willing to share with me so I may better understand what was involved with my girlfriend and so be better in handling such delicate situations.

Thank you so much again and I truly hope you can do well with yourself and your love. Good love is very important and each and every one of us deserves this and can be better from it.

I'd have to agree with Blue...
After a certain age we all kinda grow up and learn compromise and communication (Some sooner than others)... but in all honesty, with the efforts you put out, has she even thrown you a bone as to she's trying to get this to work?
In my humble opinion (and there are times I'm in left field), I think she's selfish, she has trust issues, and self esteem isssues. Even if I'm wrong 2/3, it's still enough to ask yourself, "Have given till I can't give anymore? Is there something else I can do?"
If you answers come to the same conclusions, then tell her you love her very very much but you need more and run.. run away.. to the hills ~

Relationships/Love isn't supposed to be so complicated, it should just come naturally :)
Just me two schillings

i know this much.... i have had my round of shitty boyfirnds and the guy that i married was so emotionaly abbusive to me and physically, that in my next relationship i felt that i needed to be the bully the one control so wheni did loose some control felt the slightest vulberable i would loose it to the point where i could not control myself and this drove me to maddnes, so my insecurites made me mean, bitchy and just....i dont know i lost myself within all the abuse! Does this make sense? i have also had some issues in my life that made me feel that i needed to be tough because i did not ever want to be hurt again. The answer in all this is to seek help. thats what i did for a little while. but some how i had to let go, i had to find myself. i am at peace now but i will tell you that at times i am in the same place, but i have grown up alot, been thru alot and have figured out that theres a diiferent way for me to cope..for me to trust. its funny you know how some things can affect you. sometimes life leave scars, that make you forget.

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Originally Posted by Jenrick285

I'd have to agree with Blue...
After a certain age we all kinda grow up and learn compromise and communication (Some sooner than others)... but in all honesty, with the efforts you put out, has she even thrown you a bone as to she's trying to get this to work?
In my humble opinion (and there are times I'm in left field), I think she's selfish, she has trust issues, and self esteem isssues. Even if I'm wrong 2/3, it's still enough to ask yourself, "Have given till I can't give anymore? Is there something else I can do?"
If you answers come to the same conclusions, then tell her you love her very very much but you need more and run.. run away.. to the hills ~

Relationships/Love isn't supposed to be so complicated, it should just come naturally :)
Just me two schillings

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I have seen that she has made efforts. She tends to tiptoe around things, even before we got bad together. At work, I know she does similar things - at least in terms of the tiptoeing and not wanting to communicate. I think she had hard time communicating when she was younger - mom harsh, dad not around. With us, she began to tiptoe even more - I could feel she was getting cautious about things I didn;t concern with, though still getting belligerent when it came to my saying (Again...and again) that she was still seeming self centered, which has always been my problemwith her. People make mistakes, and sometimes what is perfect for one is not for me in a situation, and I understand this - but THAT belligerence, defensiveness, accusation is what made me so mad, and affected my mistakes, for which I feel great regret and sorrow. When she is away from the fight, and sometimes when I've just walked away, she has said how anal she is or what a "pain in the ass" she is (her phrase). But her difficulty seems dificult for her to see when even gingerly confronted.

I feel that she may even have been sabotaging the relationship, almost looking for the worst in me to afix to me, and the worst in me came out.

But, yes, she does try sometimes, and has changed some of her ways for us. It is very subtle. She is very intelligent, and seems to have spent many years developing her ways.

Thank you.

Then at this point its up to you...
Make it known to her, sit her down, and tell her you two need to seriously talk, as to where this relationship is going. (I and prolly other men are twitching from flashbacks from those words)...
All kidding aside, tell her what your needs are from her and stand your ground... Women do it all the time to us, so the same rules should apply...

I mean... If your friend said you two needed to talk because there were somethings that troubled him/her and it was jeopardizing your friendship... You would listen no? And that's at the friend level...

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Originally Posted by blue

i know this much.... i have had my round of shitty boyfirnds and the guy that i married was so emotionaly abbusive to me and physically, that in my next relationship i felt that i needed to be the bully the one control so wheni did loose some control felt the slightest vulberable i would loose it to the point where i could not control myself and this drove me to maddnes, so my insecurites made me mean, bitchy and just....i dont know i lost myself within all the abuse! Does this make sense? i have also had some issues in my life that made me feel that i needed to be tough because i did not ever want to be hurt again. The answer in all this is to seek help. thats what i did for a little while. but some how i had to let go, i had to find myself. i am at peace now but i will tell you that at times i am in the same place, but i have grown up alot, been thru alot and have figured out that theres a diiferent way for me to cope..for me to trust. its funny you know how some things can affect you. sometimes life leave scars, that make you forget.

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Yes, what you have written makes much sense. I feel that she has pain from the past. I do, too. It seems my way is to just confront it in myself and be as honest as possible about it and try to address when I can - I like to change if I see some benefit. It seems hers is to find ways of justifying - she seems to see no reason to change as a result, many times. I always wanted the to work things out - for us to try to modify some things and understand some things in one another for the benefit of the relationship, and she seemed to see it as I wanted to manipulate HER. Very difficult.

I am getting help. Thank you for your suggestion. I am speaking with a counselor about how my anger had become and what might affect that in me. I would lke very much to become better, for me, for her. We shared a very special and deep passion, usually very good, but the times it was very bad were VERY bad.

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Originally Posted by Jenrick285

Then at this point its up to you...
Make it known to her, sit her down, and tell her you two need to seriously talk, as to where this relationship is going. (I and prolly other men are twitching from flashbacks from those words)...
All kidding aside, tell her what your needs are from her and stand your ground... Women do it all the time to us, so the same rules should apply...

I mean... If your friend said you two needed to talk because there were somethings that troubled him/her and it was jeopardizing your friendship... You would listen no? And that's at the friend level...

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Well, unfortunately, the relationship ended about 3 months ago. We still talk and still say we love one another and miss some things. She is worried about my leaving her when things got bad and the time that it became physical (it doesn;t matter to her that it was accidental - it happened in a time of anger and should not have happened and I agree, it frightened me too -I still do not think she understand the how her actions fueled the frustration over many months however).

Yes, I would be very happy to listen to a friend. I would occasionally justify myself when I hear things that seem unjustified, though in the minority of times versus the majority that she does. Very difficult, yet I can see how we could get past the difficulties with honesty with ourselves and live a wonderful life together very possibly.

Thank you for your kind consideration

well then you are welcome and it always helps to talk things out and see that you may not be the only one. i have learned from my mistakes and in reflecting in myself i have found peace. in life we can gow or we can stay the same and be miserable nver feel love or if you do find it destroy it...it is ulitmatley your choice, there always is.
happy holidays xoxoxo blue

As for the accidental physical part...
It's done, right or wrong, under whatever circumstances....
But in her mind just remember she's kinda shaken and that "Safe" feeling being with you is a bit shaken up... Actions always speak louder than words, under most circumstances... If you want to move past that, then accept it, apologize and move on, if she's willing to move forward, then you can rebuilding some of the stuff you two need, communication, trust, a better understanding of the dynamics that make you two work...
I break between two people is always a good thing, why? I makes us take a different perspective of ourselves and our partners and even makes us more appreciative of them at times. :)

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Originally Posted by Jenrick285

As for the accidental physical part...
It's done, right or wrong, under whatever circumstances....
But in her mind just remember she's kinda shaken and that "Safe" feeling being with you is a bit shaken up... Actions always speak louder than words, under most circumstances... If you want to move past that, then accept it, apologize and move on, if she's willing to move forward, then you can rebuilding some of the stuff you two need, communication, trust, a better understanding of the dynamics that make you two work...
I break between two people is always a good thing, why? I makes us take a different perspective of ourselves and our partners and even makes us more appreciative of them at times. :)

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I hope she can get over those times it became horrible between us, especially the time I struck her (I did not think I had made much contact, but she said it hurt, and she is small, so it probably did). I hope she can get past my leaving her when all else was seeming to fail. Do you think she can? In your experience, have known people to get past such things? If you were she, do you think you could if many other things were wonderful?

I even tried to get us into counseling. I went, she did not. She said she was very eager to do it, but never made an active effort to seek it. Maybe I should have told her precisely "I am going tomorrow, please come" but part of me did not want to force upon her, and part was not sure yet the counselors were good.

Anything is possible in life, and we've all done the oddest things all in the name of love... (I used to drive about 100 miles every weekend just to see my gf....)
I think she has the ability to, but does she want to? I dunno, I think you would be able to read her better than I. I think she might have trust issues if she has brought up that incident and I think she still cares about you if she calls you during the week.
Surprise her with something different if your intention is to get back together and woo her back till she's putty in your arms :)
Do you cook? Chick love guys that cook and not have to call the local fire dept.
Extra brownie points if it's it's edibel and a good bottle of wine :)