What do you do when two people find their true best half, but life pulls them apart
Hello everyone, thanks for reading.
I am possibly not the best companion right now and my thinking is at best blurred. We broke up just a few hours ago after nearly 7 years (5 of them living together). I need to take this off my chest. I need to hear from you, I really do.
My story is an odd one - and at the same time common. I met the woman of my dreams. Compatible in all ways (and, yes, this is not an exaggeration). We met as students - we were both doing our PhD's - I was one year her senior at the department (I was 2nd year when she joined grad school, but I knew her from her Master's year. We hit it off from the beginning. A few months after we got together we moved in together - something that for both of us was unheard of, verging to insane. We lived happily together for 5 years, shared all the few things we had 24 hours a day (we both worked from home most of the time). We were student-poor, had our ups and downs, but we were always there for each other and we were a "team". Then she took a job with the diplomatic service. She had to take this post, because it was a condition to a funding contract she had signed a month or so after we had first met - so we both knew this moment would be coming at some point. When it came, I was in the middle of a post doc still in the same city, same everything and like most other people in the West was dealing with the effects of this bloody recession (both in terms of job market outlook and its effects on my savings). She got posted to Asia. She left on the 21st of December 2009. I took her to the airport. I still remember that day, every moment of it. Then we tried to keep up with each other her flying all over the Pacific, me trying to sort out my life here. We had a plan - her contract obligation was for 3 years. We would put up with it and then she would return or I would join her, whatever made more sense. It didn't matter what we did, where we were. We would be together. We believed in that plan, it kept us hoping. But when you can't see someone for nearly a year, it takes its toll. And here is when the real story begins...
The first year was relatively smooth. Yes, she was stressed and I was depressed. I was getting one job interview rejection after another, I was running out of postdoc funding and had no idea what would happen to me next career wise. I knew, however, that I had her. She was my world. Then things took a bitter turn. Got harder talking on skype. She is working very long hours and so do I. We reached a point that it was physically impossible to keep up a meaningful communication on a daily basis with each other. We used email, msn, you name it. We really tried. She gave up first.
December 2010 we had planned for her to come over, celebrate Christmas together. I had also just received an offer for an Assistant Professorship from a top-10 university. Things finally were looking up - I was about to have steady income, doing a job I loved and had worked very hard for - and we had something to plan on, to celebrate, make dreams for the future. Together.
But she never came - last moment she got an assignment to the US. She told me that she couldn't bear it anymore. She wanted closure. I understood her, because I felt the same. But I couldn't turn page. I told her that I would like us to give it one more shot, that I just couldn't let go. I told her that now that I have a permanent job I will be able to fly to wherever she is at least twice a year. And she would come when she could and time would pass. She agreed. We continued for a while like this - but we both knew what was coming. I suppose we were trying to summon the courage to deal with the inevitable. Today we were supposed to plan her visit here for the end of this month. She told me that it was not going to happen - I half expected it. But it hit me like a bus - that was it. I know that she does not feel much better than me right now - and I understand what got us here. And I know there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome. Does it make it any better? No. It actually makes it worse!
I am 34 and she is 30 - and she is the best, kindest person I have met in my life. A rare breed. I am lucky I had her in my life and, although I know we have to accept defeat, I just can't let go. It feels wrong in every possible way. She was not the first woman I was in a relationship with - but she was the ONE, I know she was. And I know that I was special to her in more ways than one.
We talked nearly two hours this afternoon. She told me, "I can't go on like this". "I cannot stay committed to you and I will not cheat on you. I love you, but the flame I had for you is gone. I cannot see us anymore having a family together. I need to be able to meet new people and the only way I can do this in good conscience is if I let you go". So there you go. Two people perfectly compatible with each other, who love each other, are both miserable right now (at least this one is - but I am quite sure she is not much better herself).
I am old enough to know that life is mostly a random process and that it has its good and bad moments. But this... this is a real shame. How can I move on. I know I have to, just as I know I can't. She was my muse, best friend, perfect lover my better half. And she still is. How can I let all this go.
So the conversation ended today with her offering us a choice. She said, she wants us to stay in touch just as we were before (the alternative was to cut off all communication). But, if we did stay in touch, she would not be committed to me anymore - she said quite clearly that "I will be open to meeting new people from now on and so should you". Obviously anyone in his right mind would refuse that offer. You can't have it all, plus there is no point in prolonging the misery for either of us. But I just I am not ready to delete her from my life - right now I don't know if I will ever be. She is family to me. Blimey - damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how I feel right now.
So there you have it kind strangers. That's our story. I find myself right now in a new job, new city, new home, away from my/our friends. It's supposed to make you feel better, new beginning and all - it actually doesn't. Right now, I can't imagine tomorrow. I don't know how to deal with this. I am stuck!
In an impulse, right before I wrote this I went to match.com and I opened an account. Right after doing it I felt sick. I just couldn't bear the thought that I was doing this. It was pointless, meaningless, empty.
So here you have it. Thank you for reading and sorry for being so darn depressing!
