Snooping? Would you do it?

I understand that I am going to get a slew of moral and legal opinions thrown at me but oh well. I'm with someone I love but do NOT trust. I've given him a million chances and he has given me the same. So here goes. My boyfriend and I both have major trust issues...we began seeing each other way too soon after our divorces and chaos ensued from lack of just NOT being ready. I walked away and we did not speak for months. A few weeks ago he contacted me, we have talked and to be honest things seem to have changed quite a bit...on both ends. We still argue over silly things at times but we could be great....if I could let go of the past...we would be doing amazingly in the past and suddenly I'd see him on facebook leaving comments to some woman about how sexy she is, I'd get angry and walk (yes, I realize this is childish but it is what it is)...His recent explanation is that when things got serious he would get scared...he wanted to get caught flirting...he wasn't "ready." This hasn't happened this time however. At least not publicly...Publicly it appears that behavior is in the past.

Thing is I am not sure if the past IS the past. Words are words. And sadly, I have a way of finding out...For months now I have had his facebook password and have refused to use it...I could log on...see if he has chats and emails with other women and be done...and if there are none, I'd know the games are done and could move forward...I just feel like an infant for considering it...but I don't walk away and at the same time I don't want to look like a fool.

Yes, I know the whole "it's wrong" statement...and I have considered the "just walk if you can't trust him" statement...apparently I am not ready to do that...so what would you do?

Looking at this logically, can a relationship last and, more importantly, grow if there is not trust. You say that right now you don't trust him. And you say that you are thinking of snooping and invading his privacy to see if you can trust him. However, by doing that, he can't trust you. And so the cycle continues.

It is true that trust is earned, but there is always a point where you just have to say enough. You say that if you check his FB page and don't see anything, you will know the games are behind you. For now. Why do you think that you won't think about it again in another week and wonder? Or another month? Or another year? My point is, if you haven't been able to believe in him now, why do you think this one act of espionage will change your doubt?

I am not saying you don't have a reason to be suspicious. His previous behavior sounds childish at best, and downright cruel at worst, especially if he was doing it specifically so you would see.

And finally, the cliche advice of the day - put yourself in his shoes. Do you think he should trust you if you log into his personal account?

Good luck.

If it's really eating you that much, just do it. Just don't do it anymore after that.

How did you get the password?

I don't think trust is ever a 100% thing, everyone doubts the other person at some point, and with good reason - everyone does lie or cheat at one time or another, usually small things. It's more to do with whether you trust the person on the big issues. As for private messages on facebook... well, sometimes that's all it is, even if you flirt a little online, you'd never do anything else. In that case knowledge could be harmful. But if you say that's enough to call it quits, well maybe then you should find out. Have a quick peek and be done with it.
I've done it once, had someone leave their facebook open by mistake and I looked in their mailbox, because I was curious about one particular incident. After I looked, I saw that he had been very honest to me about that issue (albeit discreet, which is why I had my doubts) and since then I've had complete trust in him and haven't snooped since.

Don't worry about whether it's wrong or not. That is subjective. Guys do a lot of things that are not that great.
The issue is... Once you start snooping you never stop. It is a sickness.
You are looking for evidence of someone doing you wrong. You are focussed on that.
learn to focus on what you like about this guy and be able to let lttle flirtations go
Focus on the good things about him and dont bring up insecurities with him.
good luck

I honestly dont know what id do. I wouldnt snoop, because what is the point. You say you are not ready to leave him, think about it. Would you be ready to leave him after you find something? Even as bad as it is, you still havnt left so i doubt you would. Maybe you would i dont know.. But seriously, think about it.
If there is no trust, then their is no relationship and you wont go anywhere together as a couple. The relationship is practically dead already.
I would think long and hard about your decision. I was in a relationship with no trust.. It was no fun. Best of luck x

i think sammygee gave you some really good advice.

i think you should check if it will give you peace of mind and then make your decision after that. but if you were wrong, you have to trust him. (ii have done this by the way and was really glad that i did).

AND YES, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT THE PASSWORD LOL!!!!! ;)

So do you really think looking at his facebook account would make you finally trust him?

Give me a break. You still wouldn't trust him. Even if he proved 100% pure on his account. You would be convinced that he must be using a different avenue such as a dating site or chat board, or the local coffee shop, or his work. You would CONSTANTLY be looking for a reason to not trust him.

If he has given you NO reason why you shouldn't trust him, and you still have trust issues, you need to go to counceling. Your baggage is going to ruin every relationship you will attempt.

Personally, I don't think you like him that much, nor does he like you too much. I have never had trust issues with anyone that I loved and felt that they loved me too.

What a dumb question to post on a love forum site. You are a fool and why the **** are you with this person?

surfhb
I disagree and think you're being nasty It' not a dumb question at all. It is a serious issue that neds to be addressed.

Okay, I totally expected and deserve some of the backlash and appreciate all of the responses. I am NOT an untrusting person usually...he has changed me but only towards him. First of all, the reason I have the password is because he gave it to me many many months ago, telling me I could "check up on him" anytime I wanted because he had nothing to hide. Sadly enough I have pretty much ALL of his passwords...I told him to NOT give them to me. He did anyway. Again, we had numerous issues, primarily with commitment, considering neither had been divorced for even one year. (Listen and WAIT those 2 years past divorce to start dating people...trust me on this.)

In all honesty, the relationship is likely toxic at best. During our breakup I did go out with someone else a few times and had NO trust issues at all...no questions, no snooping and no wanting to snoop because he gave me no reason to...don't even ask what happened there...the short answer is I wasn't over Mr. Toxic.

I love Mr. Toxic for many reasons...he has so many of the good qualities that I love in someone. Witty, dry sense of humor. Hard working. (This is a must to me. I work no less than 10 hours a day and strong work ethic is important.) He is usually very gentle and kind...but he does tend to do the same old things. If I could walk away I would...as for him telling me I could check up on him anytime, that was nearly 10 months ago....we haven't discussed it since. I'm certain the statement no longer applies...

The reason I gave him another chance is this: When I broke up with him several months ago he asked me to give him another chance someday...that if he had time he could perhaps be a better person for me. I decided to see if that were so. So why did I not go back in with complete trust? I tried...however two weeks ago he got upset with me over something silly...and he went directly to the facebook of one of the women we had argued about the most. This is someone he wanted to date at one time. She has never agreed to go out with him...and his comment to her wasn't suggestive..In fact, she hinted that she would like to go out of town on a shopping trip with him and he didn't even bite on it...but it was still the same actions, same person he had flirted with so many times...so now I'm curious and considering checking. And I feel like an immature, childish little 15 year old girl.

..I still haven't looked.

as for him telling me I could check up on him anytime, that was nearly 10 months ago....we haven't discussed it since.

Ask him if this still applies? If it does go ahead and look he has given you permission. Or maybe he has changed his passwords, a lot of time has passed....

Well, I looked. Couldn't take it anymore...the one that I was referring to? She blocked me because I clicked "like" on a post she put on his wall asking how he was doing...

I looked...and from her, this is what I saw...I guess I was right to be concerned about this one.


Monday
Female

I didn't mean to offend her with my wall post. I saw she clicked like on it so I deleted it. I didn't know you and her were together. I'm sorry if I caused any problems and if you want to delete me you can. I won't have any hard feelings at all


Monday
Mr. Toxic

hey lady i aint been on here lately trying to keep down the probs. down ty for that post i think it was nice of you myself you have always been nice to me and you are my friend im so sorry for anything she has done. I still will call you my cuz and always will i hope im just trying to give this one last shot i do care about her and i always have but god she can make me so damn mad lol please dont go im going to stay of here for a while wish me luck lol.. and ty for being there more then you my know they been times i was realy down and you was there just to say something funny or guess to have someone to talk a little to you are a fine lady i see that in you ttyl


Monday
Female

I understand not getting on here much. I don't either and I didn't mean to offend her. Id like for us to be friends but I don't want to cause you and her any problems. She doesn't even know me and doesn't like me...go figure. I wish you and her the best and I hope things work out for you. You have always been nice and good to me and I appreciate that


Monday
Mr. Toxic

hey she knows me and dont like me much most of the time lol your to cool my friend. tell your aunt i think to is the greatest friend in the world i dont get to talk to her much i dont wont her boyfriend to get the wrong idea i appreciate all of you


Monday
Female

Well I blocked your girlfriend only because I didn't want any drama from her. Seems like you can't have friends of the oposite sex without someone thinking they like each other. I have several guys friends and they are just that just friends.


Monday
Mr. Toxic

im so sorry for the drama realy i am
and if it dont work out with her this time im going to block her and move lmao!!!!


Monday
Female

I'm sure you and her will be fine. She is a sweet person but apparently is super jealous of me bc she doesn't like me talking to you at all....I may have to steal you away from her lmao....only joking but the drama thing doesn't bother me so don't be sorry

Monday
Mr. Toxic

I know but i am sorry about alot of things lol and if i was 10 or 15 yr younger lady i would run you around the tree untell i caught you lol.... you be good miss


Monday
Female

Lol thanks. I'm almost 30 so who knows lol I feel old but if you and her don't work out you will have to take me fourwheeling sometime :)


Monday
Mr. Toxic

that just my be a date lol


Monday
Female

Lol well don't tell her and if things don't work out you can take me riding lol


Monday
Mr. Toxic

ill keep the 4wheeler gas up and ready lmao

By the way....I'll be ending things with him tomorrow.

Aaawww. he sounds like a big flirt and She sounds like She's interested in him.
he didn't cheat on you did He? He didn't write back "I'll pick you up on the weekend" He basically just flirted with her. Dating a flirty guy when you have trust issues (That are yours in the first place) is not fun
can you list more reasons to stay with him than reasons to go? remember your snooping provided you with evidence that he didn't cheat
He just flirted.

When you pull guys up all the time for being secretive etc, they do it more and more. When you let it go (so hard when you're hurting) he is more relaxed and more into who you really are without the painful jealousy stuff
Either way sleep on it babe, dont tell him what you did yet, dont break up with him yet, untill you are calm and really sure. wanna talk some more? PM me xx