He says when I moved to the next level he got scared
For six months I've been in a relationship with this awesome guy (or I thought he was awesome anyway). We met through mutual friends. I had been through a lot of bad past relationships, and because I thought him attractive when I first saw him, I thought "this guy is probably too shy and won't be interested in me". The second time we saw each other, we were out with friends, and he spent most of his time w/ me. We ended up really "clicking", it felt like we had known each other our whole lives. He was able to communicate w/ me unlike anyone else I've ever met - like he knew what I was thinking - like we were on the same level. Then he asks for my number at the end of the night and tells his best friend (my best friend's friend) that he was really excited I gave him my number. After that he wined and dined me for 6 months. He and I were both busy during the week - I worked during the day and he worked nights - so we would see each other every weekend. Even if he was tired or got off late from work, he always made time to see me - and not to just sleep over - he took me to dinner or cooked for me and/or took me out on the town. If there was a weekend we didn't get together because he worked or I was busy, he would call me just to see how I was doing and to hear my voice and sometimes I'd do the same for him. Even if he didn't call for a week and I was feeling restless and put-off, he would always call an hour after I was feeling bad just to see how i was doing (it's like he could read my mind, even when we were miles away). When we'd sleep together, he would always make sure I was confortable - sometimes I would have bad cramps during "that time of the month" and he would never make a fuss about us not having sex - b/c he was so great to me, I made sure he was always sexually happy - which he seemed very happy. I felt very safe and comfortable with him. We would give each other advice and could talk about almost anything. He was more than just a boyfriend, he was becoming my best friend. He would always take me out to meet/hang out with his friends, and he was always happy to meet my friends. To everyone else we seemed like the perfect couple. When other ppl would talk to him, they always told me he would have a big smile on his face when he talked about me. Things seemed perfect.
3 1/2 months into the relationship, I asked him were exactly we were in the relationship - I found out he was in a very serious relationship for 4 years (2 years ago) and he was ready for marriage but she ended up cheating on him. Then he was in a few other relationships after that, but the girl always broke his heart. He told me has learned not to jump into a relationship hoping for it to turn out a certain way, rather he views it on a spectrum that can change over time - he said we were past the dating phase, but somewhere close to the friend w/ benefits phase. I was sad and said, I don't want to just be a friend w/ benefits - and he explained that we are more than that, but he doesn't know how to explain it - like we are a couple but he was scared of putting the title on it. I was okay w/ being a "couple" - I didn't need a title to be happy. I also told him, the title isn't important, I just want to make sure he wasn't dating other pll while we were dating and now getting serious. he said that I was the only one, that he can't see how ppl date more than one person, he said he believed that you can only date 1 person at a time, and that between working and spending time w/ his roommate - I was the only other person he talked to. (He didn't have many close friends other than work friends - but he's a moderately social person)
Until a month and a half ago, he was leaving for a month for work training. I told him I'd miss him and was more affectionate b/c I knew I wouldn't see him for a month. The day before he left, we slept together w/o sex, I was kind of scared b/c he was acting kind of distant - when we both woke up he was staring at the ceiling and I began cuddling w/ him, but he still seemed distant. When he walked me to my car, he held my hands and told me "the way you have been acting lately, telling me you'll miss me" I just feel like we aren't in a relationship like that and when I began crying, he said "I love hanging out with you, I still want to see you, but I feel like your feelings for me are stronger than mine are for you." I broke down and told him "I don't think I could ever see you again". We shared some other words and he hugged me for a very long time, and then I left. We ended up texting back and forth while he was getting ready for work (me being at home by now) and I asked "so what did I mean to you if we weren't in a relationship? was I just a friend w/ benefits?" he replied that I wasn't just a friend w/ benefits that he had feelings for me, but the way I had been talking about "missing him" while he would be gone for a month made him realize that my feelings were stronger than his and he got scared. I told him I'd like to see him when he got back in a month, but asked if he could be around me knowing my feeling were potentially stronger than his. He never replied, and I didn't see or hear from him for 2 months later.
During these two months, I had many other trajedies occur in my life, so for a good month I didn't get to grieve properly, and after things started dying down in my life, I thought about him all the time and was miserable - then became angry about how he ended it, and then accepted that maybe he just wasn't the one and that I should move on - but it was still hard for me to wrap around my head to just "get over him" b/c he meant so much to me and I felt I meant a lot to him too - I think it was hard b/c I didn't have any closure, so after talking to my best friend about what everything could have meant - she suggested I get in touch w/ him and ask if we could meet in person and talk about what happened. I couldn't get out of my head what he said "I don't feel like we're in a relationship" - and I would always think "okay, so if we weren't then did he not feel anything before? was everything a lie? was I really just a whore who romanticized everything?"
He was more than happy to meet me. And by now I was starting to feel like I was getting past loving him. And was scared b/c I realized I did love him, but that even though I did love him, I guess it wasn't meant to be and I kept telling myself I should be strong and believe in the future. Then we met last weekend
Seeing him made all these feelings come back - but I felt they weren't as strong as before, but some were still there.
I told him how what he told me during the break up really hurt - and explained what it meant to me. He assured me that I was definitely NOT a whore - that he knew I wasn't that kind of girl. Said that he had feelings for me, that what we had was real - but when I was telling him that I'd miss him before he left, that he felt I reached the next level of the relationship and he felt he couldn't reach that level at the moment - then he said b/c he knew my bad past - how guys would lead me on, he said he didn't want to lead me on - that he didn't know how he would feel months from now but was scared I'd have strong feels for him and that'd he never reach that level - he said he thought it was better to let me go now than possibly hurt me more later down the road. I told him I was sorry I cut him out of my life - and he said I have nothing to apologize about, that I was not at fault at all and my feeling were natural and he totally understood how I reacted. He compared it to the movie "500 days of summer" that he always felt like the guy, but recently he watch it and now knew what it felt like to be the girl. That made me kind of sad b/c once again, in the movie they had a "friends w/ benefits" relationship and the girl never wanted anything serious - but he said we were more than friends w/ benefits and "what we had was real" - but I didn't think to say this at that moment. I did ask if he thought we would ever get back together - he said it's possible (w/ our mutual friends) that we see each other again and there could possibly be sparks, but now he didn't think that would happen. I felt i had my closure and we agreed to be friends (even though deep down I know I'll never see him again).
Now even though I have my closure, I do feel free at times, that maybe he wasn't "the one" but other times I still randomly have crying fits - that I still feel like maybe he was and that I still love him and I wish he would have been more considerate and explained his feelings to me and let us see how things go w/ time rather than just run away from everything b/c of being "scared" about what could happen. Maybe it's because he was my first real, serious relationship - the only one I felt safe and happy in - maybe that's why I'm so sad, that I just miss what we had and not necessarially him. I just know it's been a good 2 1/2 months now and I'm still so torn inside, I feel like I'll never get over it, that I lost my only chance at love, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life b/c I won't be able to get over him and everyone I meet I'll compare to him and they won't be good enough (b/c I'm not the kind of person to settle). Sorry this is a novel, but has anyone else felt this way? or has been onthe other side? It's just so hard, even w/ my closure, i still feel I can't get over this :(
