how to make efforts

Hello people..

My girlfriend broke up wid me 5 months back.. she gave d reason dat we used 2 have many quarrels..actually she is very egoistic n never confesses her mistake... we were not having much communication since last 5 months.. she stays quite far from me so meeting hr is impossible...she met me online 1 day n xpressed her desrie 2 c my face..still she has not admitted hr mistak of dumping me... what steps i shud take so that she realises her mistak of dumping me? how to make her feel my importance..

I am trying to that myself though my break up after 7years is still very fresh. I have had some very good advice from someone on here. We both need to stand up, dust ourselves off, keep our head high and forget them (forgetting them is the hard bit). But get out there and live your life. Be happy and eventually it will get back to them how happy you are and they'll hopefully realize that they made a mistake and hopefully at the same time we'll both be over these people who hurt us and wont care anyway. Fingers crossed for both of us. We'll get there eventually. Its gonna take time. DO what I am gonna do, get out there, spend time with friends and try be happy.

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Originally Posted by silverstar1986 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am trying to that myself though my break up after 7years is still very fresh. I have had some very good advice from someone on here. We both need to stand up, dust ourselves off, keep our head high and forget them (forgetting them is the hard bit). But get out there and live your life. Be happy and eventually it will get back to them how happy you are and they'll hopefully realize that they made a mistake and hopefully at the same time we'll both be over these people who hurt us and wont care anyway. Fingers crossed for both of us. We'll get there eventually. Its gonna take time. DO what I am gonna do, get out there, spend time with friends and try be happy.

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Thanx for sugestng.. bt as u have experienced, it is very dificult in implementing... i am tryng every bit to mak myself happy... right from trips wid friends 2 entertainment... still dat feeling of being incomplete always remains wid me... i do everything to make people around me also happy n i portray perfctly dat m vry happy.. bt from inside , i m still dat lost soul....now i am scared dat when i would come out of dis mess... i want 2 empty d space of dat gal 4 sm1 else... what shud i do?

Well first off, her ego is a big problem. It's gonna take a shit load before she even contemplates changing. Trust me. If you ever tried changing yourself, you'll know how hard it is. Let alone trying to change someone else? With an inflated ego to boot? Like what silverstar has said, pick yourself up, dust it off and just keep walking.

Get on with your life. Btw, don't literally force yourself to be happy. It is also unnecessary to put on a false happy face. By all means, if you feel sad, let it out. HELL let it all out. Purge your soul of the hurt. Cry, shout (into a pillow) whatever.. For this brief period, give yourself the FREEDOM of expressing/properly grieving your loss. Talk to your friends/family if you have to. Though, don't drive them crazy repeating your problems again and again.

After this, close the chapter. Go out there, live your life and be happy. Think of the things that you've always wanted to do but couldn't do when you're in a relationship. Excited yet?

Continue on, and before you know it, hey, you're really over her. By this time, you'll probably not even want her back.

However, I do stress that rebounds, in my opinion, is a selfish act and is BAD for your health and the person that you rebounded to. In my opinion, rebounding is for the weak. It is a distraction. I would go the 'harder' way by healing SINGLE. I know some people would attack me on this point here but this is purely my stand. Agree to disagree if you feel otherwise.

Don't be worried about that empty space in your soul. Truth is, that hole there.. It is NOT the shape of your EX. It is the SHAPE of a WOMAN. In time, it WILL be filled. Maybe even with a better woman. Stay positive :)

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well first off, her ego is a big problem. It's gonna take a shit load before she even contemplates changing. Trust me. If you ever tried changing yourself, you'll know how hard it is. Let alone trying to change someone else? With an inflated ego to boot? Like what silverstar has said, pick yourself up, dust it off and just keep walking.

Get on with your life. Btw, don't literally force yourself to be happy. It is also unnecessary to put on a false happy face. By all means, if you feel sad, let it out. HELL let it all out. Purge your soul of the hurt. Cry, shout (into a pillow) whatever.. For this brief period, give yourself the FREEDOM of expressing/properly grieving your loss. Talk to your friends/family if you have to. Though, don't drive them crazy repeating your problems again and again.

After this, close the chapter. Go out there, live your life and be happy. Think of the things that you've always wanted to do but couldn't do when you're in a relationship. Excited yet?

Continue on, and before you know it, hey, you're really over her. By this time, you'll probably not even want her back.

However, I do stress that rebounds, in my opinion, is a selfish act and is BAD for your health and the person that you rebounded to. In my opinion, rebounding is for the weak. It is a distraction. I would go the 'harder' way by healing SINGLE. I know some people would attack me on this point here but this is purely my stand. Agree to disagree if you feel otherwise.

Don't be worried about that empty space in your soul. Truth is, that hole there.. It is NOT the shape of your EX. It is the SHAPE of a WOMAN. In time, it WILL be filled. Maybe even with a better woman. Stay positive :)

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First of all i really appreciate dat u have replied.. ur post hopefuly wil be provng really helpfull.. n ya i agree 2 u on d issue of rebounding..coz my reasoning is dat it is a selfish act wherein actuall u r using some1 2 acheive ur goal.. so i wn't prefer dat.... n ya m tryng 2 close d chapter.. it has been 5 months bt i thnk i still haven't managed... n as u sai about nature of egoistic person, i dn't thnk nw i can do anything 2 improve as far as her ego is concerned.... what u suggest?... i shud b in contact or no contact?... gal is sm what keen 2 b in contact wid me..

In my opinion, her ego will be hard/time-consuming to change. So don't bother. Just leave her alone to it. If she finds it an issue, she'll come around to adjusting it herself. Save your energy. The MOST you can do? Tell her once, sound serious about it, make sure she's listening and don't nag her about it. It'll set in when she realises it.

Personally, I just had a break up about 2 months back. And by far, I felt most at peace (and my recovery was quickest) when I had no contact. Complete no contact. But bear in mind, this worked for me. If she's really keen on talking to you, IMO, I'd usually take that as some signs of her regret (but not for sure just yet). If I'm in your shoes, I wouldn't be so quick to relent. Don't be so quick to let her bring your guard down again. If it pleases you or if it keeps the peace, by all means you can reply her, but keep it cool and casual. Don't discuss the relationship with her. If she wants the relationship back, she'll bring it up. If not, hey, you've got nothing to lose.

Re-addressing the issue, do NOT make it easy for her to win you back so to speak. I know this sounds manipulative, but it's gonna make her think that it's easy to pull you back if you let her back in easily, so she won't be afraid of losing you. In a sense, play it hard to get. Show that your affection isn't that easy to come by. Psychologically, the more scarce something is, the more perceived value it has.

If all else fails, you can always move on. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In my opinion, her ego will be hard/time-consuming to change. So don't bother. Just leave her alone to it. If she finds it an issue, she'll come around to adjusting it herself. Save your energy. The MOST you can do? Tell her once, sound serious about it, make sure she's listening and don't nag her about it. It'll set in when she realises it.

Personally, I just had a break up about 2 months back. And by far, I felt most at peace (and my recovery was quickest) when I had no contact. Complete no contact. But bear in mind, this worked for me. If she's really keen on talking to you, IMO, I'd usually take that as some signs of her regret (but not for sure just yet). If I'm in your shoes, I wouldn't be so quick to relent. Don't be so quick to let her bring your guard down again. If it pleases you or if it keeps the peace, by all means you can reply her, but keep it cool and casual. Don't discuss the relationship with her. If she wants the relationship back, she'll bring it up. If not, hey, you've got nothing to lose.

Re-addressing the issue, do NOT make it easy for her to win you back so to speak. I know this sounds manipulative, but it's gonna make her think that it's easy to pull you back if you let her back in easily, so she won't be afraid of losing you. In a sense, play it hard to get. Show that your affection isn't that easy to come by. Psychologically, the more scarce something is, the more perceived value it has.

If all else fails, you can always move on. Good luck.

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vow... This post was something really good... well as you said, i also think that sometimes she shows signs of regret.but still i think it is too early to conclude this... right??.. now i don't discuss anything about past relationship with her whenever she is chatting with me.. it is she who tries to conclude that whether now i am happy or not...i just talk casual things..but she brings out some point about my happiness.. but i didn't understand that what i should do to make things not that easy for her... what i should do which can make me valued in her eyes..

At face value, she's regretting a little, but who knows for real right? I'm sure you can feel her 'sorry-ness' by the way she speaks to you. Sounds cruel, but leave her feeling sorry for longer to make sure that she GETS the message that she shouldn't always be so egoistic and push you around. This makes you look like you've taken a stand. Thus, it's sorta 'masculine' from what I've heard and in some funny way, she, being a girl, will respect that. This is how it increases your value in her eyes.

Also, as I've said, limiting your affection/attention/care gives them a greater perceived value. She'll feel it don't worry. Just think it this way, when someone rarely shows you affection, does it feel as if it's more valuable when that person gives affection to you? It does right.. That's the psychological example. However, bear in mind that this is a mind game. As discussed in one of the post in this forum, people have many different stands on playing 'games' with their partner. Generally, it goes like the example that I've mentioned, like intentionally limiting certain actions to make your partner crave. All well and good for a lil spice and some poking fun, but from my perspective, playing games in the long run isn't what I WOULD LIKE to do. In a long term relationship, I'd like to be as originally myself as possible. But that's me.

Back to your topic, I'm sure you get the idea of 'increasing' your own value in her eyes. One more thing to note. Don't worry so much about what SHE sees in you. You're looking for her validation. More importantly, what do YOU see in yourself? Do not be so dependent on HER validation of your worth, rather, build your self esteem to a level where you feel comfortable being yourself etc. With this, your confidence will naturally come, and well, you wouldn't care so much about how valuable you are through her eyes because you KNOW you're valuable yourself and that's really more important. Who's gonna stick around YOU longer? Her OR yourself?

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

At face value, she's regretting a little, but who knows for real right? I'm sure you can feel her 'sorry-ness' by the way she speaks to you. Sounds cruel, but leave her feeling sorry for longer to make sure that she GETS the message that she shouldn't always be so egoistic and push you around. This makes you look like you've taken a stand. Thus, it's sorta 'masculine' from what I've heard and in some funny way, she, being a girl, will respect that. This is how it increases your value in her eyes.

Also, as I've said, limiting your affection/attention/care gives them a greater perceived value. She'll feel it don't worry. Just think it this way, when someone rarely shows you affection, does it feel as if it's more valuable when that person gives affection to you? It does right.. That's the psychological example. However, bear in mind that this is a mind game. As discussed in one of the post in this forum, people have many different stands on playing 'games' with their partner. Generally, it goes like the example that I've mentioned, like intentionally limiting certain actions to make your partner crave. All well and good for a lil spice and some poking fun, but from my perspective, playing games in the long run isn't what I WOULD LIKE to do. In a long term relationship, I'd like to be as originally myself as possible. But that's me.

Back to your topic, I'm sure you get the idea of 'increasing' your own value in her eyes. One more thing to note. Don't worry so much about what SHE sees in you. You're looking for her validation. More importantly, what do YOU see in yourself? Do not be so dependent on HER validation of your worth, rather, build your self esteem to a level where you feel comfortable being yourself etc. With this, your confidence will naturally come, and well, you wouldn't care so much about how valuable you are through her eyes because you KNOW you're valuable yourself and that's really more important. Who's gonna stick around YOU longer? Her OR yourself?

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ya you are right that i should not stress only to increase my value in her eyes... it is difficult to implement, but i will try for sure.. i want to build my confidence back..sometimes i feel so dejected that i feel that it would have much better if i would have been single all the way..anyways no use of repenting now.. and as far as games are concerned, i am not sure that whether it actually works or it can be also a boomerang.. my ex keeps asking me that am i involved now with any other girl.. i don't know why she keeps asking... her behavior is so mysterious..sometimes she behaves so naturally like we are age old buddies.. while sometimes unknowingly she starts sharing so much personal things about her.....

She's probably thinking that you're involved with another girl because of the less affection that you're giving to her. She probably expects you to react like how you usually do, but now, you not falling back into that same cycle makes her question and extrapolate that you're probably so different because of something.. Like a new babe :)

Yeah that's how relationships are sometimes.. Full of drama :)

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's probably thinking that you're involved with another girl because of the less affection that you're giving to her. She probably expects you to react like how you usually do, but now, you not falling back into that same cycle makes her question and extrapolate that you're probably so different because of something.. Like a new babe :)

Yeah that's how relationships are sometimes.. Full of drama :)

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ok..so is this good or bad??... i mean it it going to help me or damage me...?... still no confessions from her side... she tries to behave colly but eventually pops up with some or other question pertaining to me... so how should i move forward?

Dude.. She's reacting like that isn't good or bad. She's like that bcoz now, she craves for you, and she sorta sees her faults better. Go on like that, she'll probably give up when she's tired. If you feel that you wanna forgive her, then by all means. You have to decide this yourself.

With the moving forward, you needa decide that for yourself too obviously. You wanna move forward, but you have not decided on what you want. You're stuck thinking whether you should take her back or not.

Bottomline, if you want to give her chance, accept her back and move forward together with her. Or else, move forward alone and leave her behind if you don't think the relationship is worth it anymore. It's that simple. You're just feeling stuck bcoz you haven't really made a decision.

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dude.. She's reacting like that isn't good or bad. She's like that bcoz now, she craves for you, and she sorta sees her faults better. Go on like that, she'll probably give up when she's tired. If you feel that you wanna forgive her, then by all means. You have to decide this yourself.

With the moving forward, you needa decide that for yourself too obviously. You wanna move forward, but you have not decided on what you want. You're stuck thinking whether you should take her back or not.

Bottomline, if you want to give her chance, accept her back and move forward together with her. Or else, move forward alone and leave her behind if you don't think the relationship is worth it anymore. It's that simple. You're just feeling stuck bcoz you haven't really made a decision.

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well i think i can give her chance 2 reconsider but provided she comes to me and asks for me.. but i still don't thnik that it is right time 4 me to again ask..because i want now her to realise my importance and take a step forward... now question is how to make her realise and confess quickly...

I don't know the culture of your relationship, but usually the girl will always find it hard to ask back for a relationship. If you notice, in this world, guys generally do most of the chasing/wooing, and we are the ones getting the girl.

It's up to you to decide whether you wanna wait for her to pop the question, but if you cannot wait, just tell her like it is. You can say like:

Hey, maybe we can give this relationship another go, but I hope that now you realise that there are some things that you need to work on. If you are willing, we'll work on this together, and I believe that it is important that we continuously be constructive in our relationship. I don't want history to repeat itself and I don't want you to take me for granted. So what do you say?

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Originally Posted by Dune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know the culture of your relationship, but usually the girl will always find it hard to ask back for a relationship. If you notice, in this world, guys generally do most of the chasing/wooing, and we are the ones getting the girl.

It's up to you to decide whether you wanna wait for her to pop the question, but if you cannot wait, just tell her like it is. You can say like:

Hey, maybe we can give this relationship another go, but I hope that now you realise that there are some things that you need to work on. If you are willing, we'll work on this together, and I believe that it is important that we continuously be constructive in our relationship. I don't want history to repeat itself and I don't want you to take me for granted. So what do you say?

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well mine is a bit orthodox culture... but what you have written is a great way of expressing things... really thanx for that...yesterday again my ex met me online.. again she started chatting like nothing has happened..tries to know that have i dedicated any song to her which i have uploaded... sometimes i think she is enjoying my such condition...sometimes i feel she is missing me... showing keen interest in girls i meet or hang out...she always comes for chat from her side...