I needed to see that...

I logged into his facebook (he gave me password to deactivate account and change password etc Long story) and i logged onto emails...

Ya know what. It bought on a panic attack and serves me right for looking. Like i said in the last post. Curiosity killed the cat.

But I guess I needed to see it. To know it really is over.

He sent 30+ texts and messages the last couple of days.. nasty ones, begging ones where he begged me to block him from facebook and everything else, blaming ones and apologetic ones. He eventually gave up when I didnt reply to any of them. NOT ONE!

I didnt block him on facebook because he'd be getting what he wanted which is what he's got the past 7years! No way was i blocking him. He was deleted off it inc. all pics etc. He didnt like it. TOUGH!!!

The last text said he had written me a letter that he was posting next week. Saying 'please open it as it has good times in it and my feelings'.

Ya know what. After what Ive seen tonight... its going straight in the bin. The 'good times'.... This pain has wiped all of them out. They are but a distant... very distant memory.. maybe a dream.

I now have to grieve.. I feel Ive lost everything. SO called friends (two faced bastards!) and my best friend and love of my life.

What's making me feel so stupid right now is that I love you so much and yet I hate you just as equally.

I feel lost. I really do. Ive hardly cried (unless alone with a sad song) now...its like ive opened the flood gates.

I was holding on to something like an idiot... like one day it would all come back together...

You think this is so easy for me.. i honestly think that its the other way round. Because i know for a FACT that every weekend since you did this you've been with her.

I feel sick. I wish you felt what i do right now. One day i hope someone hurts you like you've hurt me. Then maybe you will know..

S**t.... its really over.

I feel you're pain, also get panic attacks and boy would this bring one on....

He technically dumped me a month ago now and it took what I saw last night for it to actually hit me. Finding out some people are quick to stab you in the back isn't nice either. I've got nobody. If I cry or complain or am finding things hard and want to talk it drive people away. Nobody wants to know.

I am so glad I'm not like that. If anyone ever wants to talk to me they always have me. I never judge or criticise and would never go behind their back.

Right now I'm devestated. I don't know why. Hes a creep! What's he's done is unforgivable. My head says Bollocks to him. My heart says I miss him already.

You are going to feel devastated and that is part of the process, the only thing i can say is I regret not really telling him how I felt when I was hurt in the relationship. If enough time has passed and you are NC with him, I would talk to him and get things off your chest. He might be exactly the person to listen since he did this....wish you well

deal with the grief for now - it will get better. When you feel like calling him or getting back or missing him or whatever, remind yourself how he tossed away evertyhing you offered him and realise how much better off you are to have him out of your life. Keep reminding this to yourself and one morning you will wake up wondering what have you been beating yourself up all this time for...