How to deal with jealousy and the silent treatment? Please help
I'm a 22 year old woman, my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for coming
up on 7 months, and are very close. For the first few months, everything
was perfect—we never fought about anything. I’ll start by saying that he’s a
very “adult” person, job since he was 15, head of his squad by 18 and the
youngest in his region in the field. I’m very impressed and very proud!
But starting in probably January, a lot of jealousy issues started coming to
light. My friends are a very importane part of my life; they took me in and
accepted me when nobody else would, and from then on we've all been a huge
family that looks out for one another. But suddenly, my boyfriend started
getting agitated when I would bring them up, and would insist that I cared more
about them than I did for him, and that they were my priority and that he
wasn't important to me. He kept bringing up how he didn't like that I would go
party with them when I was at school (I'm not a big drinker or a big partier.
He was always invited even if he was working) and made it sound like he thought
that the second I got drunk, some guy (as for who, I'm not sure—the only people at
these "parties" were my closest friends) would try to take advantage
of me.
I care very much for him and went through a lot to show him that he was
important. He became jealous when I used pet-nicknames for my friends and said
he just thought it was "weird” and not right (it’s also weird to invite my
best friend of six years to stay the night at school, and then let her sleep in
the bed with me instead of the rugless, linoleum floor), and that I should only
have nicknames for him. I spend every second of my free time with him and we
are texting back and forth CONSTANTLY. I'm very old fashioned and not a big fan
of texting, but I do it because he says it makes him feel closer to me. He
requires a lot of attention and I love him and so if that's what it takes to
show him how important he is. I think it's ridiculously rude to text someone
ELSE when you're talking to someone face to face and I made a point about that,
because he made a huge deal about doesn't like feeling blown off and ignored.
I changed a lot based on the things he said bothered him even if I didn't
necessarily feel that I was doing anything wrong. I apologize for everything
even if I feel like I shouldn't have to just to keep things on an even keel. He
needs constant attention and if my attention is diverted to anything or anyone
else, he gives me the silent treatment/cold shoulder. This KILLS me, I hate it.
I would rather just be yelled at. I beg him to tell me what’s wrong and when he
finally does (after many “it’s nothing/I’m fine/Nothings wrong”s), it always
leads back to him not feeling convinced that I care about him and that I love
him, or that he’s a priority for me, which he is.
He pours over my facebook and I’ve even caught him going through my text
messages a few times. I have given him no reason not to trust me. I can’t speak
to anyone without him getting jealous. Even my own family =\ We’ve talked at
length about his jealousy issues before and I have seen that he’s tried to get
better with it, but there’s a long way to go. Anytime I bring up something like
that that bothers me, somehow it gets twisted into being something that’s my
fault and I have to apologize again. I get so overwhelmed and so upset with
myself for screwing up that I just start crying and can’t stop, and then he
gets nice with me and tells me to calm down and reassures me and holds me
again.
Recently, he wanted me to move in with him. I would love to move out of my
parents’ house eventually, but after we started going through all the prices of
furniture, I see that right now I don’t have the money to. He does, since he
makes enough money at his job to support both of us but I want to help too, of
course. Where he wants to move is 5 minutes from his job, which is great,
however it’s also in the middle of nowhere and there are absolutely no
opportunities for my field, unless I work freelance entirely which isn’t
reliable. At the same time, I am dealing with pretty severe anxiety problems
that have been going on for a while, but all the fighting has not helped. I
acknowledge that I need help, and also told him that I thought I needed to see
a doctor about it. He was angry because he thought that his love and support
should be enough. As for moving, I told him I need to be able to take care of
myself (which I haven’t been very good at, a lot of bad health problems in the
past year that I just kind of…let go. Vitamin deficiencies, kidney stones, hair
loss, etc) before I can help take care of the two of us and that I don’t have
enough money. Well, a HUGE fight erupted =\ Boy did I never hear the end of it.
He is very deadline driven—he startded demanding timeframes and dates, which he
does for a lot of things (“When do you want to do this? How long does it take
to plan a wedding? How long will it take you to write your book before we can do
X Y and Z?”) and many things are very hard to GIVE those kinds of deadlines
for. He wanted to know when I would feel financially stable enough to move,
what my goal amount of money was for that and when I wanted to move. I tried to
explain that it’s not all numbers; emotion has a LOT to do with it since it’s
how I would feel. I tried to say that if I give him a number now, that number
could change by next month. He wouldn’t let up, he asked a lot of questions
that felt really overwhelming when I was already upset, and all I could do was
say over and over that I was trying to do what was best and that I loved him,
and I tried to stay strong but ended up in tears again.
I have so much love for him but I feel that everything I say and do is just
wrong. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t. I know that I am a good
person, a loving and caring person even if I’m not so good at taking care of
myself sometimes. I just need to know how I can approach him about my feelings…
I’ve tried so hard, in so many ways. I’ve been open and honest and mature,
trying to settle things like adults and it’s always my fault. It makes me feel
like a terrible person. I just want things to be like they used to be, without
all the fighting, without crying and having all these feelings of
self-loathing. I just don’t know how I should approach it anymore, everything I
say is always wrong =\ What can I do?:(
