Should you communicate a miscarriage?

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17-05-11, 05:07 PM
Lulu

Should you communicate a miscarriage?

I was involved with a guy a while back and really liked him. It ended up becoming more of a fling than anything because we live far apart from one another, however we keep in touch every now and then. He recently came forward and told me that he misses me but it would be next to impossible to have anything between us since we live so far apart. I miss him too.

When he left to go home a few months ago, I ended up having a miscarriage. At first I thought it was an unusual period but my doctor's office confirmed it. I never told him about it because we aren't in touch very often; texts every few weeks, a phone call every few months. Still- I am conflicted because I wanted his support, wanted to be open and honest with him but then again you always hear about men who think a woman is "crazy" and tells you they were pregnant, etc..... I didn't want him to think that he had to come back to visit me just because of a miscarriage. I felt if he cared enough he would come back regardless, but he never did. I have been a little moody at times, telling him that he promised he would come back but never did- that he let me down. I really think it is resentment due to the miscarriage and that it would make sense to him if he was to know what happened. On the other hand- I don't want him to think that I am trying to get him back, manipulating him...whatever. What do you think? Is this info. even worth relaying to a guy under these circumstances? Should I just keep it to myself?
17-05-11, 05:43 PM
sookie6

It is possible that a lot of people would think of it as manipulating someone but here is what I think:

When in a relationship you should tell one another everything, any lie (or witholding the truth) will backfire on you at some point...

But...I think you need be careful if you wish for a long term relationship with this man..I mean do you care for him, do you have feelings fo him?

If you do...try to be open minded and start afresh with him (at least in your heart) and get to know him better, and see if you become closer together...after a few times seeing each other at some point some trust will have been built back...and you'll be able to let him know what happen...don't be resentful or blame him for anything just tell him.
18-05-11, 06:19 AM
Stalemate

I absolutely think you should communicate this regardless of the situation. You have to be having emotions about this and not expressing them will slowly eat away at you. If he reacts in any way other than with a total outpouring of support, end it alltogether.

It will come as a shock to him and you are right in thinking that he will emotionally flounder a bit, so I would consider strongly how you tell him and what else you say during the conversation (less is best). Tell him that you want to talk to him about someting but that before you do you want to make sure that he knows you arent expecting anything from him and that you think it would be best to say what you have to say and let him absorb and process it before really discussing it together.

Let him know that after he left the last time you had a miscarriage, that you are ok healthwise, though understandably you are having some pretty deep emotions about it. Tell him the reason you are telling him about it is that he has a right to know and emphasize again that you are not looking for anything from him. Tell him you arent mad at him, but that you want to end the conversation at that point to give him the same chance you have had to deal with it before he responds. If he feels like you are cornering him I suspect he, as most guys, will react poorly.

When you do speak you may get a reaction you arent expecting, could be really good or he might freak out. Go into it looking to unburden yourself and to do the right thing which is to tell him and give him a chance to react. It could be a reality check for him that could postively change his life for the better, but it will also give you closure.

I know I had a pregnancy scare and the really "scare" part about it was that I knew I didnt love the girl, couldnt really stand her, but I also knew I could not let a kid grow up without a father. If she had been pregnant, no matter what, that girl would have been a part of my life forever and I didnt want her to be. Crazy as it sounds, I'd think about that every time I was with a girl (in a committed relationship now), and it stopped me from having a lot of ill-advised casual sex and put me in a position to really experience romantic love.

The truth always has a way of landing you exactly where God intends you to be.
18-05-11, 07:22 AM
Horseyguy

I totally disagree with ^^

He doesn't need to know, you are not together and I think it would be totally selfish to put that on someone

Go and talk to a counsellor if you need someone to talk to about it, but what would be gained by telling him that you lost his child when he didn't even know you were pregnant

It wont bring him back unless it's out of guilt and / or pity, is that what you want?

If you were togther or get back together then maybe but not if you are not
18-05-11, 08:42 AM
ShellyZ

Quote:

He doesn't need to know, you are not together and I think it would be totally selfish to put that on someone

Selfish? It takes 2 people to make a baby. That pregnancy was 50% his responsibility, so I don't think it's fair for her to deal with 100% of the fallout, while he carries on in blissful ignorance. This miscarriage is not HER problem, it's THEIR problem. Whether they're in a relationship or not is irrelevant. He had sex just as much as she did.
18-05-11, 08:49 AM
Horseyguy

And by telling him, this will lesson the amount she has to deal with how exactly?

Likelyhood is will increase it, because if he doesn't come back after telling him she will then have the rejection to deal with as well.
18-05-11, 08:58 AM
ShellyZ

Quote:

And by telling him, this will lesson the amount she has to deal with how exactly?

Perhaps he will be mature enough to offer emotional support, even if he doesn't come back for her. When dealing with something upsetting like a miscarriage, feeling alone makes it even worse. Besides, there are some men who would actually want to know. It's not right to keep it from him, he has the right to know and he should know. That was his baby too.

Even if he's the type who wouldn't want to know, too bad. She has to know about it, why should he be spared? I love how men think they shouldn't have to deal with the emotional hell of an unplanned pregnancy. You don't get special privileges just because you have a penis.
18-05-11, 09:33 AM
Lulu

Now you see how I am conflicted!! All of those points I have made to myself. I guess I just want to know what a man would want. We probably won't ever even see each other again and it has been six months but he recently told me he misses me and I miss him like crazy. Then we were joking recently and I called him an asshole (just JOKING via text) when he made a sarcastic remark- he flipped out and said he didn't deserve that and hasn't really been in contact since. It has been over a week. I suspect he will be in touch again sometime and I will probably be elated but I wonder if it is in part due to the loss and my emotions involving it...... which makes me think I should just get it off my chest the next time I talk with him OR if he reacts THIS extremely to me calling him an asshole just teasing then I can only imagine what he might do if I tell him what happened....:upset:I just don't know. I have only told two other people- an aquaintance who has been through several miscarriages and my ex (for emotional support) and HE freaked, called me a whore and said that I shouldn't have slept with the guy since I won't even sleep with HIM anymore (???!). That backfired! Don't get the wrong impression- I have only been with two men in TEN YEARS- (and they both seem kind of DUMB, huh?). Now you know the extended version of the story. What the hell should I do to give myself closure and without hurting him at the same time? Like someone else said- maybe he would realize what a close call that was and it could help him to prevent something from happening again in the future- for him??
18-05-11, 12:03 PM
JadenMia

Its a tough one for sure. I dont think i would say anything though.. Not at all.
I dont really see the point anymore? You say you wont ever see him anymore, im not sure of what closure you are looking for AND its been 6 months. I would say its time to move on, time to let go of the pain of the miscarriage. See it as something that was meant to happen. As hard as that is.
Although i completely agree with everything ShellyZ has said too, it angers me that men dont think they have any responsibilty when it comes to unplanned pregnancy. Like.f*ck them, they dont understand the pain of losing a baby, or the fear of an unwanted pregnancy and to be honest most dont ever CARE.
He probably wont care, wont have any emotional support to give.. He is the wrong person to go speak to. Find a close friend to confide with, a family member.. And most importantly yourself. It is SO important to come to terms with this in yourself. Believe me, nothing anyone will say will help you through anything. It is in you to let go and accept what happened.

It is not something i admit to anybody. But when i had been with my ex for 3-4 months i fell pregnant. He didnt want to be with me if i went through with it. He said 'This wont work if you have this baby'.. Nice eh? He left me when i was pregnant, ditched me, got drunk lots. Left me to torture myself in pain and fear of the baby/my child that was growing inside me. I couldnt talk about it to anyone, nobody understood what i was going through, least of all him. I decided with him to terminate the pregnancy.. It was the only choice of not leaving myself and the baby in complete sh*t. I cant decide whether it is the worst or best decision i made in my life.

I was depressed for such a long time. I couldnt forgive myself, i couldnt accept it had happened to me.. After it was all done and dusted, he had nothing to give me. No reassurance or support.
I got through it on my own and it was important i did so. I searched and searched for answers on the net, within my family and him most of all. Truth is, nobody really understands, or cares to a certain point about these situations in other peoples lifes. They cant feel the pain, so how should they understand?

Its upto you, i believe its not a big deal if you tell him. Who cares if he doesnt believe you, its the truth that matters anyway. I am just not sure what you want from him now.
I guess if you do tell him, it will certainly show whether he cares about you at all.
18-05-11, 12:22 PM
Horseyguy

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShellyZ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps he will be mature enough to offer emotional support, even if he doesn't come back for her. When dealing with something upsetting like a miscarriage, feeling alone makes it even worse. Besides, there are some men who would actually want to know. It's not right to keep it from him, he has the right to know and he should know. That was his baby too.

Even if he's the type who wouldn't want to know, too bad. She has to know about it, why should he be spared? I love how men think they shouldn't have to deal with the emotional hell of an unplanned pregnancy. You don't get special privileges just because you have a penis.

Hey I'm just answering the question as a guy, I guess if she wanted to know what you thought she'd have put it in the ask a female section.

No need to start attacking me and making it personal because you don't agree with me.
18-05-11, 01:33 PM
MaidenMinx

I know you're looking for guys opinions, but here's mine, don't tell him and seek some counselling.

Shelly, it's not the fact that men have a penis that spares them from having to deal with the full impact of unplanned pregnancy, it's the fact they don't have a womb.

I've dealt with 2 unplanned pregnancies. The first I was with a man I didn't want to have children with and I chose to terminate. He was wonderful to me during the time I was pregnant (I was sick constantly), then expected me to be over the 'procedure' immediately. It was devastating and I had no one to talk to.

The next (and last) time I found out I was pregnant I'd only been with the father for 8 months. After my previous experience I knew I couldn't terminate again but knew I had to be able to give him some kind of choice, so I gave him the stay and do it properly or go now and not hear from me again option. He stayed. Our son is now 6. :)

In both circumstances, other than impregnating me the guy had little to do with the decision process. I really do feel it was completely up to me.
Sorry for going off topic ..
19-05-11, 08:59 AM
ShellyZ

Quote:

Then we were joking recently and I called him an asshole (just JOKING via text) when he made a sarcastic remark- he flipped out and said he didn't deserve that and hasn't really been in contact since.

Ugh, I've made that mistake, joking around in a text or an email, only to have the person totally misunderstand me. Sometimes it's hard to read sarcasm in writing. Maybe next time you talk to him, it should be a phone call, so he can at least hear your voice.

Quote:

my ex (for emotional support) and HE freaked, called me a whore and said that I shouldn't have slept with the guy since I won't even sleep with HIM anymore (???!).

WTF, that doesn't make any sense. You won't sleep with your ex, so you shouldn't sleep with anyone from now on? Sheesh, that was obviously his jealousy talking.

It's a tough decision and I hope you can make the choice that will be best for you. If it will hurt you to keep it secret, then tell him. If it will hurt you to tell him, then don't.

Quote:

it's not the fact that men have a penis that spares them from having to deal with the full impact of unplanned pregnancy, it's the fact they don't have a womb.

I don't expect men to feel the full impact of it (I don't think they can, physically), but I do think the man has a responsibility to deal with some of the impact. It's not right for him to just walk away as if the situation has nothing to do with him.

Quote:

other than impregnating me the guy had little to do with the decision process. I really do feel it was completely up to me.

That's true, the decision of whether or not to keep the baby is always up to the woman. But many women don't realize that they can get a court order for child support, even if they decide to keep the baby against the man's wishes. All they need is a DNA test to prove that he is the father. Legally, he has no choice. But a lot of women give the man a choice and let him walk away from her and the baby. They don't have to do that.

Of course it's a moot point in this case since we're talking about a miscarriage, but I felt the need to point out that the law actually requires men to take responsibility, even if they don't want to.
19-05-11, 09:10 AM
vashti

What is there to gain by telling him? If the answer is nothing, then keep it to yourself.
20-05-11, 01:07 AM
nch713

one of the girls i used to sleep with had a miscarriage. she avoided me for a month after she found out, before she told me it was bc she had a miscarriage. i didnt love her, we weren't serious enough to be bf/gf... but i still wanted to be the first to know, so that i could help console her. i kinda wanted her to console me too, a little bit. i dont know how i would have felt if she didnt have the miscarriage, and we ended up having the baby, but... i feel like i never had a choice