I was hoping for a male insight into this. First, you need to understand the context. I've been having a cyber relationship with a guy since February (initially met online in December and spoke for a few weeks) and because of his job as a military contractor he's either been in Iraq or Yemen during our entire correspondence. We have had a wonderful cyber connection and relationship, writing every day, ony occasional calls cos of his location, but in a nutshell, we fell in love. Our connection, our minds, the way we look at the world, just made us know we were totally right for each other in a inexplicable way, in a way that kind of defies logic. I don't need to go into detail, but we've both declared undying love, see ourselves in each other's future etc etc
He did, however, experience a trauma in Yemen about 10 days before he left, a friend and colleague was shot dead in an ambush, another had both legs blown holes in, and they were all basically under fire for 3 hours. He was understandably traumatised and I tried to be as supportive as possible over the ether, difficult when you're so far away, but I think I managed it. (he's not a boy, he's in a position of command)
Anyway,on Saturday he finally left the hellhole, and was originally supposed to be coming straight to me, but cos of this recent head mashing, decided to fly his 3 daughters out to Oman and have some R and R, time to heal, much-needed time with his girls,who have obviously missed him desperately. We agreed this was the right thing to do.
Despite that I was obviously disappointed after looking forward to seeing him for so long, counting down days for 3 months. Add to all that the fear for his life I'd been experiencing, the anticipation, the waiting, excitement, and finally disappointment and there was a pretty potent mix of feelings on Saturday night which were further fueled by alchohol. He'd told me that he'd be able to call me from Oman, we may even be able to Skype from his daughter's laptop, and I was really looking forward to hearing his voice after having had nothing but words in cyberspace, I just needed it to move into the realm of the 'real', to ground the relationship in more than airspace. I was so convinced that he would want the same, especially now he was free from Yemen and in a civilised place, that I'd assumed that obviously after spending some quality time with his girls that I'd get a quick phone call, just to touch base, or even a text. That didn't happen, and was a further disappointment on top of all I've just mentioned.
To the crux (sorry, the context was needed!!) on Saturday night I sent him a sh*tty, nasty email (out of character I hasten to add) telling him he was full of sh*t and a rude bas*ard. I signed off by saying 'what was I thinking?' Guys, when I woke the next day, sober, I was mortified, ashamed and sorry and tried to fix the damage as soon as I could. He'd replied to my nasty mail briefly and angrily saying that a response like that made him wonder what the eff I was really like and told me to chill the eff out.
I fell on my sword, apologised profusely, explained the root of my angst, where I knew the venom had sprung from, and said I hoped he could forgive and forget my misdemeanour. (This was early Sun afternoon) I heard nothiing. I sent him a resolution email on Monday evening, asking him to just let me know where he was at, what he's decided. This time, I didn't rehash the original apology mail, I came at it from a more empathic view, sating how shocking, unexpected and hurtful my words must have been, like a punch in the face, and that I must've seemed like a nutter. I told him I understood that what I'd done had given him pause for thought about whether to continue the relationship, but to please jsut make ot quick and clean of he wanted to end it as I have a low tolerance for pergatory. Still nothing. I'm in absolute hell, the dread, the waiting, the fear of losing someone i thought was the love of my life. I think I've come to a place where I can see it's over, that the damage was done as soon as I sent my nasty mail and maybe he was never going to contact me again, and my mails, my olive branches, will make not a jot of difference to a bloke who's already decided 'frack this'.
Is what I did generally enough to make a man leg it, even if you love the woman, and even if it's unexpected like I'm sure my mail was? I'm utterly devastated by this....please give me a male perspective!! And thank you so much if you've read this far, it's very patient of you!
