quite possibly the most complex situation ever

hi everyone,
i am new here. i could use some advice or words of wisdom.

to make a long story short, i met and fell i love with a wonderful man. he is my next door neighbor. we've been dating for 10 months, although due to certain circumstances, it feels like it's been much longer.

the man is 15 years older than me. that was never really an issue for either of us. he does have 2 college-aged children, which have also never been an issue or problem. however, 3 months into our relationship a terrible tragedy happened that changed everything. his son was killed in a car accident.

at that time i pretty much resigned myself to the idea that our relationship as I knew it was over. my hope was to be a support system for him to get through this extremely difficult time. i gave up all expectations. i've never been in a situation like this and had no idea what to expect or how to act. truthfully, sometimes i still don't. the grief process, i will say, is extremely unpredictable and never happens in the order you expect it to. funny enough, after his son died our relationship became much closer. his strength through the ordeal made me fall in love with him. another caveat i should mention is that he is a recovering alcoholic. he is very active in AA. he hasn't had a drop to drink during this time. i find that so impressive.

things were going great. we casually discussed a future, possibly moving in together, and i was always told how grateful he was to have me. i always, and continue to, give him space and time to grieve. however, about 3 months ago things started to unravel. i think this was the time "reality" was setting in for him in regard to losing his son. he lost all sex drive, stopped wanting to do anything, etc. he changed his tune regarding the relationship and wanting a commitment because he just didn't have it in him to consider another person's feelings right now. from there is was a roller coaster. some days he loved me. some days he didn't. some days he was the affectionate, caring, beautiful man I've known. other days he couldn't be bothered. i took it all in stride though, and perhaps this was a mistake, but I allowed him to have control of the whole relationship. every move, every plan, every phone call was his. when it came to my needs or feelings, he had no regard.

anyway, it's gotten to a point where i feel taken advantage of. he wants the benefits of a relationship without putting any work into it. he basically said, it's his way or no way. he is a good man. he's been honest with me. he can't handle a relationship at this point, but i can't handle the roller coaster. so today we decided the best thing is nothing. and i am heartbroken. i love him so much. when things are good, he brings me indescribable joy.

i am at an age (31) where i feel like i'm working against time. when i mention this to my family they think i'm nuts, but i truly feel strangled by my biological clock. i want a family, and feel like i can't waste time. i feel like this relationship is really over, and i need to move on. the thought of being with anyone else, though, makes me feel sad and discouraged. i hate dating, i hate the games, i hate the process. am i crazy for feeling this way?

finally, to add icing to the cake, the man who i was in a relationship is also a contractor. he is working on my house. that's right - next door neighbor, contractor, recovering alcoholic, tragic death of a child. talk about a full deck. in order to really get over this guy i want to just not deal with him, but that is impossible since he is sporadically working on my house and i'll have to deal with money, decisions, etc. he's at a point where he can't just pick up so i can find another contractor - he's knee deep into the project.

so there you have it. at the moment i feel so lonely and discouraged. i gave all i could give to this relationship and it didn't work. on top of it, i feel like a failure for another relationship going down the drain, and i am again left alone with little time left. any words of advice are appreciated :) thanks.