My recent break-up feels like it is killing me.
Ok, I never thought in my life I would be so crazy about looking up peoples thoughts and views on relationships, but after this devistating blow, it helps, uplifts me and motivates me at times to move on.
I want to tell the story, I met my ex-girlfriend (weird to even say that still!) in May of 2006, we just broke up May 13th 2011. Me and my girlfriend have always had a relationship that I couldn't compare to many of my friends. I was a shy person and she was a shy girl, we met each other, she was 17 I was 21, and we fell in love. The first 2 years were amazing, we found ourselves, we got in our click and our routine and never really looked back. Well going on the 3rd year, I was never a parent person, I never visited her parents and she never really did mine, I could tell something was bothering her about this, this would be some sort of foreshadowing years later. We had a slight argument and I told her that I just was a shy person and didn't think her parents cared for me since I didn't go to college.
See I always did my own thing, I work for a communications company that pays out good money but I always felt like they wanted her to date a college boy. This was the beginning of the strain, that I must admit turned me into a complete asshole, and her likewise. By December of that year, we were at each other throats about dumb stuff that we never fight about, and I started to feel confused like maybe this girl isn't the one for me, so I broke it off. Needless to say a week later I realized how dumb I was and called her and confessed my love, she didn't take me back at first, her friends told her that I was just a jerk and to get rid of me, but she eventually felt the love for me and we started anew. This would begin out great, with a new passion for each other like when we first met, but thats when I started to get bipolar.
I was hanging out with a friend and he was joking and called my girlfriend fat, I felt really crappy for some reason, like really, she isn't fat, but she had gained weight. This would weigh on my brain actually and over the course of a few months she started to really gain weight, I don't really even know why. I started to actually rub her myself, calling her tubby and stuff, I know this is a forbidden thing to do, but I'm not really a nice person, I at least admit that now. It would make her cry sometimes and I would tell her I'm really sorry, I just wished she would motivate herself to lose weight, and she said she had been trying. In my mind, I was like she isn't really trying at all, and it began to piss me off. Trust me, I know I'm stupid now, none of this even mattered to me at all really, I was just being a dick. 2 years later, and alot of verbal abuse between the two of us, trust issues started to weigh in her mind and mine. She would say stuff like you only keep me around for sex, and I would question who she was hanging out with when she didn't pick up the phone. Well January of this year we had a long talk, we vowed to each other to stop all this because we really loved each other. I told her I was just a ****ed up person in the head and I didn't never mean any harm with these words that came out my mouth. Things were going great, but then a tornado hit her apartment about a month ago. She lost her car, and she had to get a rental. She lived with her best friend at the time, she used to complain about how she was so disrespectful to her when they lived together, but now all of a sudden have become tighter than ever. Once this happend, and she had to move back in with her parents, for 3 weeks, she started to ditch me. I used to call and she would just not want to hang out. I started to worry a bit like maybe shes going to dump me, so when she came over I asked her and she started to cry and said she just hasnt been happy for a long time but loves me so much. I asked her to leave if thats how she really felt, that I didn't want her to be with me if I didn't make her happy, but she couldn't she said she couldn't and stayed with me that night. A week later were about to go to the movies and I asked her to go to a concert with me, she declined, and it confused me because I know it is one of her favorite bands. We go to the movies and when we get out I go to put my arm around her and she threw it off. I started to cry in the car, I could feel it coming to a end, she told me to stop crying and I told her to leave because I know she doesn't love me anymore.
She left, but called me back later that night and told me things in our relationship she didn't like. The fact I'm not real close with her parents, how she felt like she had to get my approval for things like tattoos and stuff, and that she wanted to hang out with her guy friend from high school because she felt like she lost a good friend in him when she started dating me. I told her I would let her do anything she wanted, basically pleaded with her and told her I loved her and I knew I was wrong about alot of stuff but not about her. She really completes me, but she said she just couldn't do it. She dumped me. Ok so I got all crazy ex boyfriend on her and text and called all weekend but she wouldn't answer, I thought surely she may change her mind, but she is strong in her decision. She told me in a facebook messege that she has been ignoring what is best for her for a long time, that I had chances to change but I never did, that the last 2 years or so of her life have been shitty and that I was not the one. She then said it would be way to hard to even be friends or talk to me on the phone, and asked me to just leave her be, and that she hopes I learn from this experiance and she never meant to hurt me, and that if she ever did want to talk to me again she would. Yeah I was gutted, that was 2 weeks ago, and I can't seem to get over it. It is hard for me to think that she could throw away 5 years like that, like poof and I'm gone. I feel like I could never do that to her because I love her so much. I'm trying so hard to get over this, and I wanted to know if anyone thinks she will ever contact me again? I am working on myself here, trying to learn and become a better person but if feels like nobody will ever love me or I won't ever love anybody as much as I do her. I feel like her friend and mother had something to do with it since she had to move back home, ontop of her just losing all faith in me. I'm just a lost soul, I have listened to her though and deleted her, even blocked her from facebook and haven't tried contacting her. It is hard to accept reality.
