New Year's resolution gone ... bad?
They got to me again , not again!
Ok , maybe I'll start from the beginning. I just signed in a huge company (Johnson & Johnson). Huge opportunity , wonderful career start etc etc. For the next 6 months it's all about swimming or drowning. Having had 2 relationships in 2004 ,of which the first I lost and the latter I won , I vowed to , at least until my trial period is over , NOT to fall in love. You probably think I must be a cynic , to talk about relationships in terms of winning or losing , but I bet most of you have had that typical pattern of going through the hardships of a relationship where you loved your partner the most , only to compensate for your sorrow after the break-up by going for ... well ... sure things , and end up breaking their hearts.
Anyway , the first semester of 2005 would become all about work , work and work. It should have been fling after fling. Fate had different plans it seemed , because on the 1st of January , I woke up next to a beautiful , intelligent specimen of a female being. "Ok" I hear you saying , "you started your fling fiesta with a , I might add, great sense of timing."
Shhht and let me finish. We didn't have sex. In fact , we slept in each other's arms , all night , caressing , holding , you know , things you do to people you really like. Can you feel it? The bad omens? Can you see 'em?
It gets worse. The reason we didn't have sex, is that she had a really bad New year's eve. A friend of mine has been seeing her for a month or two with purely platonic interest - he just got out of a bad break up - but she couldn't take the message and was kind of hoping that would change. And when she saw him kissing some tramp on New year's Eve , like yours truly should have been doing , she cried.
I must admit , I did like the girl before. Had some great conversations with her before and on New Year's Eve we hitted on pretty good again. Actually , we talked most of the Evening together and even started flirting. At one point , she just threw out she was really having second doubts about some things , happening in her life and smiled. I played dumb of course , but I knew what she was getting at. Anyway , after leaving my appartement in a mess , we all took a cab to the real party and again we flirted and caressed. Cute innocent things, you know , one step further and you're kissing. At this point , it was not "falling in love" , but a vague attraction. It was only the second time we met for pete's sake.
Knowing that my friend told me numerous times , nothing ever happened between them and that it was purely platonic from his side and if I wanted I could go for it , I just .. went for it. But then she cried ...and it made me sad to see her cry. Pussy that I am. So I took care of her , took her home to me , castrated myself and took her to bed and we talked and slept in each other's arms all night. I just couldn't take advantage of the moment , so I told myself not to try anything until the alcohol wore off. When a man does that , that's not a good sign. For his sake anyway. When we woke up , we kept holding , caressing and a man can only take so much , I was quite frankly getting cramps , and so can a woman and it got a little sexual and then she had to leave for a family dinner.
And Holy Mother Of God , I realised I had fallen in love. Why oh why. How did I get myself into this. How can fate be so cruel. " What ," you ask, " are you so worried about?". I've had my share of relationships , I've had my share of exhiliration and despair. And this is a tricky situation to say the least.
Let's boil this lengthy message down to a few facts , in chronological order:
FACT: When we first met a month ago , we connected.
FACT: On New Year's day , she told me she thought I had a girlfriend then. (Hidden message in there no?)
FACT: On New Year's Eve , we were glued together and connected again. She and my friend didn't even spoke for more than 5 minutes
FACT: At one point , she just threw out she was really having second thoughts about some things , happening in her life and smiled.
FACT: In the ride to the big party, we flirted
FACT: When she saw my friend kissing , she cried
FACT: We didn't have sex , we passionatly hugged and kissed all night.
IMPORTANT FACT: She was going to concentrate on her upcoming exams after all that turmoil and said she had a wonderful evening with me and that she wants to meet again.
Hypothesis 1: At the party at my place, my friend ignored her and she thought she'd use me for comfort. After the kissing incident and when she cried, she used me again for comfort and doesn't have any real feelings for me.
Hypothesis 2: At the party at my place, we connected. She saw what a great guy I am and what she's potentially missing (I do get out much and I almost never wait for people) , she saw her error , learned the most valuably lesson in dating that if your target isn't responding don't hang on hoping for months , cut your losses and move on. But when a girl spends a month chasing a guy and see him kissing someone , she still cracks. Doesn't she?
I prefer the second one , but what do you guys think. Normally I would take the risk , go for it and if it fails, suffer a forthnight or 2 of heartache and move on. But I can't risk that know. I don't want to risk being all mellow at work, I have to be a tiger, move up in the world , go for the job and the glory.
I'm probably going for her (and the job of course :D) , knowing myself , she's reallly special. Great looks , great conversation , great potential. She's a keeper. But come on I need advice to make it as safe as possible. So I need some expertise of how to play it right. Right now she's in exams , so we're cut off for the next 2 weeks. I haven't contacted her yet for 4 days. How should I behave when I do contact her in a day or 2. Should I tell her how I feel and get it over with. Should I keep being friendly and risk being a friend? What to do , what to do.
Anyway , Happy New Year to you all ;)
