Long Distance Dating

Hello,

I just found this site. It's just what I was looking for, I need another opinion please. I have met someone who lives in another state. We have fallen head over heels and are crazy about each other. The only thing is I have 16 year old daughter that has one more year left in High School and don't feel like it would be fair to move her, her last year of high school. He has 2 daughters one is 21 and the other is 18 just getting out of high school. He hasn't come out and said it directly, but he's not considering moving because of his daughters. We've talked about if it's an option and he said it would be tough. So now I'm starting to wondering why we are even dating now. And feel like he is picking his daughters over me. I know it's a tough situation for the both of us. But I really don't want to move there to be 5 minutes from his parents, 2 daughters and his ex and her husband. His 18 year old daughter comes over every day to his house and anytime she needs money for something he hands it over. He ran into her tonight at Wal-Mart and he ended up buying her a ton of stuff. I guess this is ok, I am just becoming sensative to it because I know that's what is keeping him from me.

If you have another way of looking at it, or have been in this situation before......please advise!!!

Marti in Texas

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He hasn't come out and said it directly, but he's not considering moving because of his daughters.

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Understandable.

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And feel like he is picking his daughters over me.

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Respectable. I would never pick a girl over even a good FRIEND, let alone a child of mine.

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But I really don't want to move there to be 5 minutes from his parents, 2 daughters and his ex and her husband.

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I'm assuming that you've both talked about it and both want to live together.

Move to where he is, but talk about buying a different house in a town around there (another town in the state). One that's further away from his ex, daughters, etc. etc., but close enough that he can still see his daughters once in a while, while not having them visit daily. Tell him that you want to start in a new house, with new memories of you and him, and make it YOUR (collectively speaking) home. Don't move into HIS house or have him move into YOUR house, move into A house and make it both of yours.

Alexi

That's good advise about the house..........but what about my daughter?

Im currently in the SAME situation. BUT~Ive made this about me. Not him. I live in a super crap shoot of a town with nothing. Where he lives it's busier than hell. That's what I want. Im 34 and have a 15 year old. He's a freshman in HS. The only reason why we started to date was because of the possibilty of me moving there. But Ive realized I need to do this for myself and for my son, no matter how things work out. I'm gettting my own place. We'll see how things go from there, but Im not looking at it like this move is souly for "us" but for my son and I. I need change. I need more than this shitty place.

IF youre already feeling all these negative things, you should consider how important he is, and where your priorities stand. To move your daughter her last year of HS is a toughy. I personally wouldnt do it. I have a friend whose in our situation, but she's got the option to leave her eldest son with her x husband. Then he can come up to GA after school.

As far as his kids are concerned, theyre his life. I wouldnt look at like he's choosing them over you. Theyre his children, and youre thinking of your child as well. If youre thinking of these negative things you should consider what YOU want for yourself. He's worth this move? I have a choice and am choosing to move there. For myself, its what I want no matter what happens with us. But if youre moving souly for him, you have to lots to consider. If you think this is the man you could spend your life with, than you need to either let some of these things go, or express him to your concerns. The best way to handle this is to talk to him. Let him know exactly how you feel.

I wish you the best!! Goodluck!

Well, if my daughter was younger it would be a different situation too. But, I made the comment to him last night I like to go out and have fun and do things, all he does is sit at home. I guess he has decided for me what to do....he wrote me an email saying it's probably best we don't continue seeing each other, because I like to go out and he thought I wanted to move before my daughter graduated from high school. So, I guess it's already been decided for me.

Thanks for you input.........I wish you the best of luck!!!

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Originally Posted by squirrley

As far as his kids are concerned, theyre his life. I wouldnt look at like he's choosing them over you. Theyre his children, and youre thinking of your child as well.

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First off, I respect and admire each of for putting your kids first. Selfless devotion to one's children is VERY rare these days, sadly.

Second, I wouldn't throw in the towel quite yet if you guys have really hit it off. I almost threw in the towel Xmas with my new GF (See the 'Stood up on Xmas' thread here) and I'm sure glad I didn't. I see your problem overall as a timing issue. A couple of years from now, the kids will be out of school and you'll be free to do whatever. Some things are worth waiting for and in the meantime, visit each other as much as possible.

Just my two cents (adjusted for inflation)

OMG He sent me an email this morning and broke up with me because I told him I like to go out and do things. And because I was out with a few GIRL friends last night and had one Margarita! He said he likes to stay at home and doesn't like people that drink and go to clubs. EXCUSE ME.....I can't remember the last time I went to a club and I don't drink all the time like he acts like. I met 3 girlfriends at Chili's! First time I've been out in a month and 1/2. Give me a break!! He also said he is mad because I put him on the spot by asking him his reasons for not wanting to move to Dallas. He thought when we hung up I called my friend and told her what he said. PLEASE! Are we in high school again? And he broke up for that reason too! And it wasn't even the case! I DIDN'T even talk to her about him and second I wanted to know what his reasons were for not wanting to move, just because. It was just a question. I'm so confused!

Angry in Texas

It sounds like you two arent on the same page, or wanting the same things right now. His behavior should be a clue or at least a sign of what would come...if you're going out with some friends in your town, and hes having a shit fit, damn, what if you get up there and meet some great people and you want to go out? Are you going to feel handcuffed to the house? Always feeling guilty if you do? Or always getting into fights cause you choose to go out? Just seems as though you might have to different ideas of what you want together now or down the road. This is just what Im getting from your posting. But if he's acting like that, oof, Id be leary of picking up and leaving for a man. NO way. IF you had other goals for yourself, then maybe, but trust me, no man, NO NO NO NO MAN is worth picking up and changing your entire life style based on a couple of months. Not to mention him not being very clear where your relationship stands.

I can say for certainty, Ive wanted to leave this hell hole for a bit now, but not in a position to just go anywhere, Id like to know someone prior to it. And I have that now, where our relationship goes no one knows, but damn sure, Im making a life for myself and my son.

I wish I knew what to tell you, obviously we as women think men are so strange and act so out of damn I dont know, hot and cold, but they react differently to situations than women. Who knows, he could turn around in a week or a few days, you just have to decide what you want and whats worth it to you.

Goodluck!

I can't and won't move my daughter her last year of high school. I told him if he came here it wouldn't be forever. I do have family in Missouri and told him I would consider moving there someday. I just can't yet. I don't see him packing his bags and moving to Dallas this weekend! He's not moving because of HIS kids, which are out of school. His 2nd daughter will be out of high school in May. If the move only effected me that's one thing, but that's not the case. If he moved, it would only be him moving. He needs to figure out what he wants in life.