The Fear of Love

Written by: BeautifulBao

During my freshman year in high school, I met a young man by the name of
Chang Yang. I didn't necessarily meet him at school I met him at a friend's birthday
party. He was 16 and I was 14, we were young and amateur. The first time I saw him
in my life was when he was walking through the front door with his friends. They
were nice looking and seems like they were going to be fun knowing. I spotted the
guy in the middle, he had a great smile on his face and was attractive. At first I
was persistance to go ask him for his name but I was like "what the heck" so I got
up all my courage and asked him for his name. He gave me his name and asked for
mine. I told him my name. We hung out together through out the birthday party. As
our conversations proceed, I found out that we had alot in common we have a share of
interests. At the end of the party we exchanged phone numbers.He called me later the
next day we talked for hours. His voice on the phone was so sweet and beautif!
ul I just fell in love with him instantly. Our conversations was going great until
he had to get off the phone. Our phone conversations went on for about 4 months
until we decide to meet up with each other again. We set a meeting place at the park
near the river area. So we met.
We talked and talked until we had nothing more to say.We sat in silence and stared
out to the water. I still remember it like it was yesterday, he took my hand looked
me in the eye and ask if
I will be willing to give my heart to him. I was completely stunned with the
question. I knew I love him and wanted every right to be with him but I was too
young and understand love and I felt that I'm not ready for love yet. So I gave my
honest answer, "I'm not ready." I can still feel that moment when I gave him my
answer. His happy face was suddenly saddened and he didn't even say a word. He
dropped my hand down and walked away from me. I didn't know what to do so I followed
him and joked about us. If I could turn back the hand of time I would change What I
said to him. I say to him that "if you don't recieve love back from the one person
you love there's nothing to lose but your life." Gosh! I was so stupid.
He never called me back and neither did I. I felt that I did nothing wrong because I
told him what I thought and felt. So as days went to weeks, weeks into months and
months into year I saw him again at the Hmong New Year in fresno. I was a sophomore
that year. I went up to him and greet him. He said Hi and smile back. I don't know
if he forgave me for what happened a year ago but he asked me to walk around with
him. So we started chatting up on those lost times. He talked about his senior year
in high school and I talked about mine. The day went by so fast that I thought I
only spent two hours with him. I can't believe the time and I can't believe that
he's finally talking to me again. We said good bye and gave each other hugs. He told
me that he's going home the next day because his parents had to work. I was
wondering why he can't come the next day when he lives in fresno only. He told me
that he moved to San Jose. I was disappointed and sad and I won't see him. He said
h!
e'll call sometimes and he did. We only hear each others vioces on the phone.
Sometimes
he'd call me and sometimes I'd call him. My feelings grew for him and deep within my
heart I knew that he love me and I love him. We weren't dating but were best
friends. Whenever I was stressed or having troubles with my family or friends he'll
say something to make me laugh because he knows that making me laugh always make me
forget about my problems. Our phone calling went on for 3 years. I was in first year
of college and he was in his third year. Through out the years that we had been
talking we grew inseparable but we haven't seen each other since that last day of
hmong new year. My feelings for him grew so strong and I love him so much that the
thought of losing him killed me inside. I couldn't hold it in nomore I have to let
him know. One night I called him and so he picked up the phone and said ,"Hello?" I
said, "oh hi how's your day?" He answeres back, "it's okay, I'm just catching up on
my homework." I asked him why, he said that he has been staying up late lately!
. I wanted to tell him how I feel about him but my fear started kicking in.I was
afraid that he might not feel the same for me because of what happened 5 years
ago.So I backed out.
3 months later he call to ask me if he can come to see me because he was in town. He
came over and we went out to watch a movie together. Later that night he asked me
how I feel about him and if I love him. I was scare to let him know how I feel about
him so i said that I don't feel anything. As he drove me home he didn't spoke a
word. We drove home in silence.
He went home the next day and had left a note for me.
It read:
Dear my one and only Beloved,
Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much you mean to me? I care so much
for you that every night before I go to bed I pray Heavenly father to protect you
and let you know that he and I will always be by your side to hold and protect you.
The first time we ever met I fell in love with you already, you were so pretty and
had a great personality. Even though we weren't able to build a relationship I
couldn't ask for more for the friendship we had. Although I wanted us to be more
more than just best friends I know you won't let us. There are times when I feel
that you love me deeply and there are times when I feel like you just want me as
your friend. Either way I will always love you and be there for you. When you are at
your trouble times remember that Im there to hold and protect you. One thing I want
you to remember is that you're the only one I love and cherish. There's no other
girl who can take your place in my heart I love you until the end of my life.
Your Love,
Chang Yang
I couldn't control my crying I kept crying and crying until my eyes started burning.
I went to the phone to call him. His roommate said that he hasn't come back home
yet. I figured it would take him awhile to get home so I decide I'll call him
tomorrow and tell him I love him.
Later the next day I call him, the phone ranged forever the someone picked up.It was
his roommate again. I asked if Chang was home yet he told me something that was so
crulcifying. I couldn't even hear what was said before it was even said. When I
heard car accident my heart stopped I couldn't breathe at all. I tried to breathe
but couldn't. I eased my breathing and controlled it. His roommate said that what he
heard from Chang's investigator was that he was coming home late and was drinking
and driving. He was killed in the accident.
It's been two years now and I still having gotten over it. Losing someone you love
and someone that you were so close to is like losing a part of yourself. Now I
finally know that when you love someone don't wait till tomorrow to let them know
because tomorrow is not promise. I don't think I could ever love anyone again.He was
everything to me. He was my best friend,lover and soul. Chang, where ever you are I
love you and will continously love you. Untill I meet up with you again know that no
other guy can take your place in my heart. I love you forever.

For those who are reading my tragical story please don't do what I did. Remember
that when you love somone so much you let them know or else it will be too late.
Never let your fear take over because it will take away your joy and happiness away.
Don't learn it the hard way as I did. I hurts alot. I'm regretting for those three
words that I left unsaid. He's never going to know my true feelings. Good luck to
all lovers out there. Love deeply and let each other know how feel about one other.