I am thouroughly confused at this point. There is no better way to describe it than just blatant, utter confusion.
I am so full of hope, but at the same time, I have this overall concern about what I view as the inevitable.
Quick history:
I am friends with this girl who used to serve food at a fish place I liked going to. Actually, my parents knew her first and I liked going there because all the women were hot, but that's a secondary issue. Anyway, I became pretty close to one of the waitresses there. She was from out of the country, but her husband lived up north, so she was here with her in-laws. Anyway, we hung out a lot and one night she asks if she can bring a friend or two along. I go, "sure" knowing full well that like an idiot, i was going to be driving around this hot chick with a bunch of dudes in my back seat. I never thought that her friends would be two chicks, one of whom was not only the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, she actually dug me. We talked all night. It was magical as far as I was concerned. We hung out as a group a couple times, and at some point I asked this girl to dinner.
I took her to this Italian restaurant by her house that she liked. Well, before that, I spent two days making her a dozen chocolate flowers. (i'm a dork, but I like it.) So I show up to her house with the flowers, pick her up, she loves them. The entire night she's nervous as hell. Well, to make a long story short, I asked her out for valentine's day, but she doesn't like the commerciallity so she asked to go out the next night instead (whatever), so I took her to a really nice, NICE place. Of course I paid again. Well, as my luck runs, this girl ends up having to go back to her country (she was foreign as well) and that was sort of the end of the dating. I did stay in touch with her for about a year before my life got in the way and I couldn't afford the sanity and money that it took to call her every few days to every week. (i don't think she'll ever realize just how much I missed her and just how hard that was to deal with on top of everything else I had to deal with at the time. I just needed all of my resources. Either way, we got to be pretty close. A year passes by without talking, and feeling bad, I write her on her b-day apologizing for disappearing, and we talked that night for about 2 hours as if we never skipped a beat.
Here are my concerns. It wouldn't be the first time that this happened to me, so I'm freakin paranoid. During the course of the conversation, it comes out that she's moving back here. I almost dropped the phone. We never really discussed anything about dating or anything else, because, considering there was a very real possibility I'd never see her again, what was the point? Well, now I'm faced with the fact that this girl is probably a pretty close friend of mine, but I've never stopped being "Gaga" over her. I always flirt with her, tell her she's beautiful, etc...
Am I setting myself up for the horrible friend-zone trap? I am so waiting for, "I didn't think those were dates!" I thought we were just hanging out! (Like I said, wouldn't be the first time.) I tried to be so careful to not fall into the "friend zone" and I'm sure I'm there. She's talking about all these plans she's making for us, but, in the end, i don't care, I just want to be with her. Then there's the wussy gentleman side of me that is afraid to make things awkward because she's starting a new life here and could use all the friends she has. Its pretty suppressed at this point in my life since my sanity is more important, but, i still worry about that stuff. I hate it too because its of secondary importance I guess, but, I am a nice guy. The difference is I just think about it, I still try to make the best decisions for me. I'm only so strong.
I hate the "Friend Zone". I didn't spend over 600 bucks (a year's worth of phone cards plus the dates) because I thought she was a cool girl to be friends with. I did so because she was beyond being beautiful. There are a ton of beautiful women out there. She's special. She's different. She's ambitious, loving, sensitive, playful, mature but silly, goal-oriented, and not afraid to move out of her comfort zone. She deals with a lot more than anyone who lives here permanently has to, and she is probably much stronger than I could ever dream to be. She makes me want to be better and she doesn't realize how amazing that is. Talking to her makes nothing matter, and i only pray she knows how I feel. I guess I will eventually have "the talk", but being the hopeless romantic, i can't help but have visions of two people who's hearts are in the same place and don't have to say a word. They just know. that would be truly amazing. I know. I don't know if she does. Distance doesn't help. I can't wait for May.
