How do I move on?

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25-06-11, 02:20 AM
Enchanté

How do I move on?

So here's the deal. I've recently been dumped (about a month ago) by my boyfriend of 7 months. We were studying abroad together, and so we basically lived together for the entire academic year, traveled together, spent practically every moment together. He became one of my best friends; he respected me, listened to me, and could be crazy and fun with me. I've never felt so comfortable with someone on so many levels. We could joke around and yet talk about serious issues, and I trusted him completely. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but the first who really treated me right, and who I felt really good about being with. However, he had warned me that he was nervous about the summer because he was a very "out of sight, out of mind" person and it's hard for him to be invested in places he's not. But he never wanted to break up, and he felt that we would be fine. We even bought plane tickets so I could visit him once in the middle of the summer. The first month being apart was fine; we would text every day, skype when we could, things were good. Then into the second month apart he expressed concern that he felt he was being a bad boyfriend because he didn't feel as connected, and he was busy with two jobs and not able to talk all the time. It made me nervous and I recognized that it was possible that we wouldn't make it through the summer. But because that terrified me I let it go. Then about two weeks later he broke up with me saying he knew how to make the relationship work, he just didn't want to. That he knew what it felt like to be head over heels for someone, and he just wasn't feeling it.

Well that sucked. I mean I can't argue with that--if he doesn't think its worth it then that's outside of my control. But now I keep second-guessing myself wondering if it was just the distance that did it, since we were amazing when we were together. I can't seem to turn off the possibility in my head that when he sees me again, and hangs out with me again, he'll change his mind. But deep down, I know that's highly unlikely. I know him better than that--when it's time for him to move on, he does, and it doesn't take him long. But I know that for every moment we were actually together he was head over heels for me, he did think it was worth it. He would tell me, and he would mean it. But people change, and feelings change. But is it crazy for me to think that he may change his mind? That the next time I see him in a couple of months, he’ll realize he made a mistake? Now I just want to move on and not think about him ever. but I can't. I want to still talk to him, check up on his facebook, know what he's doing. But that makes everything worse. I want so badly for him to change his mind, but I know he won't. How do I get over this, when I was never ready for it to end and I still don't think it should have?
25-06-11, 02:33 AM
Cerby

The thing about relationship - it takes two to make it work. Many people here have suffered break-ups for one reason or another that doesn't make sense to them (myself included, 2 weeks ago). You look back on the good memories and try to figure out why it went wrong, when in reality, there were probably warning signs all along that he wasn't fully into things.

You'll kill yourself thinking about what you could have changed or done, when in reality you should go NC and work that way. At least you're in an LDR so you don't have to see him.

I work with my f*cking ex, and even though I only run into her rarely, it sucks.
25-06-11, 08:40 AM
McRich01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enchanté [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So here's the deal. I've recently been dumped (about a month ago) by my boyfriend of 7 months. We were studying abroad together, and so we basically lived together for the entire academic year, traveled together, spent practically every moment together. He became one of my best friends; he respected me, listened to me, and could be crazy and fun with me. I've never felt so comfortable with someone on so many levels. We could joke around and yet talk about serious issues, and I trusted him completely. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but the first who really treated me right, and who I felt really good about being with. However, he had warned me that he was nervous about the summer because he was a very "out of sight, out of mind" person and it's hard for him to be invested in places he's not. But he never wanted to break up, and he felt that we would be fine. We even bought plane tickets so I could visit him once in the middle of the summer. The first month being apart was fine; we would text every day, skype when we could, things were good. Then into the second month apart he expressed concern that he felt he was being a bad boyfriend because he didn't feel as connected, and he was busy with two jobs and not able to talk all the time. It made me nervous and I recognized that it was possible that we wouldn't make it through the summer. But because that terrified me I let it go. Then about two weeks later he broke up with me saying he knew how to make the relationship work, he just didn't want to. That he knew what it felt like to be head over heels for someone, and he just wasn't feeling it.

Well that sucked. I mean I can't argue with that--if he doesn't think its worth it then that's outside of my control. But now I keep second-guessing myself wondering if it was just the distance that did it, since we were amazing when we were together. I can't seem to turn off the possibility in my head that when he sees me again, and hangs out with me again, he'll change his mind. But deep down, I know that's highly unlikely. I know him better than that--when it's time for him to move on, he does, and it doesn't take him long. But I know that for every moment we were actually together he was head over heels for me, he did think it was worth it. He would tell me, and he would mean it. But people change, and feelings change. But is it crazy for me to think that he may change his mind? That the next time I see him in a couple of months, he’ll realize he made a mistake? Now I just want to move on and not think about him ever. but I can't. I want to still talk to him, check up on his facebook, know what he's doing. But that makes everything worse. I want so badly for him to change his mind, but I know he won't. How do I get over this, when I was never ready for it to end and I still don't think it should have?

No contact is your first port of call, Don't text, email, message, talk, or meet him.

Time to think about number one ! And thats you, Remember, Positive attitude now. You need to recover and bounce back, You need to find your self again.

Best of luck
25-06-11, 10:28 PM
fuchsia_bee

you should go on with your life, think about yourself, make your life beautiful. meet new people, visit new places, make new hobbies. maybe he wasn't the right person for you...give him space, don't contact him, and who knows...maybe you will get back together someday...but don't focus on that...just on you and how to make yourself happy. good luck :)
28-06-11, 11:12 AM
OmnicronPercei8

To me it seems that a lot of people are "love in the moment" types. I'm friends with several Iraq war veterans and all of them tell me that they had very loving girlfriends/wives before they went away but the distance and time apart was too much for the women to bear so they cheated on them or left them, in one case filing for divorce and taking the children. People know what they're getting into when they're about to go away, but for some reason the absence doesn't make the heart grow anything but colder. Maybe it is the philosophy that life is too short and there are many fish in the sea.

I'm in the camp that you will be lucky to find one or two great loves in life and anything else is really just a cheap imitation of the word itself. I once heard that the great UCLA Coach John Wooden writes a monthly love letter to his deceased wife of over twenty years. 240+ letters since she passed away and the man is absolutely still head over heels in love with the one woman that touched his soul. That is the kind of love that I pray that one day I'll be delivered to. Not someone who forgets me in two months!
29-06-11, 12:16 AM
Enchanté

In the past week I've really come to terms with reality and myself and just accepting that sometimes things don't work out. And sometimes people are just not meant to be together. I really do believe I deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with me, even when we are apart--and I know that I don't need to worrying about the future and what could happen, and instead focusing on right now. But it's still hard to move on when the past is still at the forefront of my memory. Every time I feel that things are getting better, I remember how happy I was with that person, and my resolve begins to crumble. Of course there are others better for me out there. I just wish I could fastforward to the point where I'm ok and not hurting anymore. I'm sick of feeling down and depressed, and I am doing what I can to keep myself busy and productive, but sometimes time moves so freaking slow. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Maybe I'll join a convent. Get thee to a nunnery! Huzzah.
01-07-11, 11:50 AM
repairheaven

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enchanté [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm sick of feeling down and depressed, and I am doing what I can to keep myself busy and productive, but sometimes time moves so freaking slow.

Trust me, I know how you feel. I've been in that dark depress state where some days you wake up with the a positive attitude ready to 'move on' and change your life and by the end of the night you're just crying not understanding what went wrong with the relationship. It happens. I went through a three month break up and I entered depression bad enough that I had to go to therapy. That was the only thing that helped me pull forward for me. That was 10 months ago. & I still remember that feeling and telling my therapist "I hate time for moving so slow." Everything will get better; be strong. The things I did to keep my mind off of my then-ex was go the gym, go to therapy, work, and go out with family/friends. I also relied on my sisters for support and my mother for when I'd cry like a baby! I wish you the best! Don't wait around; keep moving forward! You can do it trust me!