After 3 1/2 years... Am I Doing The Right Thing?

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02-07-11, 02:29 PM
QTpatootz

After 3 1/2 years... Am I Doing The Right Thing?

My bf and I had been going out for 3 1/2 yrs. He moved in with me a few months after we started seeing each other. We shared the bills - we didn't have to pay rent because it's my family's property - he had his own car, I had mine. A year later, he lost his job so he had to give up his car and he couldn't pay the bills because he had no income so I paid for everything basically and he can use my car whenever he wants to. Since then, he's been working on and off, quits his job whenever he feels like it and he's always broke. He'd ask me for everything! I found out a year ago that his jackass of a friend who lived out-of-state introduced him to oxycontin or whatever it is that costs $20/pill and he's been addicted to that shit for over 2 years now and that's where all his money went. It came to a point where he'd pawn my shit and I've lost so many of my things, I had to buy my tv back for $2000 or else I would've lost it too - he pawned my things without my permission. I've been understanding and supportive as far as his addiction and I've tried to help him. His mother and myself took him to AA and counseling and he would promise that he's never gonna do this or that. I even asked his mother to move in with us just so she will know the situation with her son. It also came to the point where he had to stay in jail overnight because he's been taking my shit to the pawnshop. He never learned and he just got done with probation. Just 2 weeks ago, he pawned my shit again (ipad, tv in my bedroom and a few other things) and a week ago, he took money from my wallet without my permission.

I can't take it anymore. I know he has a problem and his problem is completely ruining my life and costing me a lot of money - our power bill every month is over $300 coz the AC would be blasting coz he's always sweating - go figure. I've basically been supporting a grown man who has a job and who is very capable of fending for himself and it's just too much for me to handle. I did my best.

So I'm moving out, but he doesn't know it yet. I've already found a place. It's pretty sad that I have to move out of my own house. I'm giving him until the end of august to find himself a place - I think that's plenty of time. After that, power, water, cable, internet will be cut off and he's not going to be able to enter the community either coz I'm going to disable the gate code too. Sometimes I feel so guilty for doing this but I feel like I have to do this. I don't want him to depend on me for everything. I want him to do things for himself and not lean on other people. I need him to be a responsible individual.

Is it right for me to leave knowing that he's got this addiction problem, no car, no cellphone, and possibly no place to live? How do I tell him? I'm just waiting for him to give me back my things that are in the pawnshop then I'll tell him.
02-07-11, 02:34 PM
tremolo

Quote:

Originally Posted by QTpatootz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is it right for me to leave knowing that he's got this addiction problem, no car, no cellphone, and possibly no place to live? How do I tell him? I'm just waiting for him to give me back my things that are in the pawnshop then I'll tell him.

Absolutely. The guy needs a wake up call. You don't need to be his crutch any longer.

Let him sort his shit out by himself. He had plenty of time to do it with you, and he didn't. Now he can do it without you.
02-07-11, 05:01 PM
MerryH

Yes, you're right to leave. There's only so much you can put up with, addiction or not, and it seems that he's bled your patience dry. You gave it a good shot, though. You did more than most people would. Don't feel guilty about leaving him. It's a losing battle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QTpatootz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm giving him until the end of august to find himself a place - I think that's plenty of time.

I think you're being too generous. That gives him way too much time to slack off and do nothing about finding another living situation until the last minute. He needs to see this as something he needs to act on now, or else he's going to coast for a month or two before he does anything. Give him 30 days or less, depending on your state's laws concerning tenant rights.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QTpatootz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm just waiting for him to give me back my things that are in the pawnshop then I'll tell him.

He's not going to get you your things back that he pawned. Just trust me on this. Either consider that stuff a loss, or go buy it out of hock yourself. If you're waiting to get your property back before you tell him to leave, then you're going to be waiting a long, long, long time because it's not going to happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QTpatootz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How do I tell him?

Something like, "Boyfriend, your addiction has become too much for me to handle. I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm moving out for the time being. I need you to have your things out of my house within 30 days." Then leave. That's it. No discussion is necessary. Do not engage in a debate about it, no matter how much you want to. You're going to want to try to explain why you're leaving, and that he needs help, and whatever else, but the thing is, he knows all of that already. He knows. You don't need to have yet another discussion about his addiction. Just leave.