I need to get things of my chest

I met a girl last new years eve. We hung out and had the complete spectrum of what can be called your first relationship. Jealousy, Love, Great sex, tears, laughter, disappointments, violence to a little extent.

For the first half of a year, it was great. Then it started to crumble, we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. I was very jealous because she a couple of times did things with other men, like kissing, and sex. And she was mad at me bacuse I was very very jealous.

After a while I completely broke down. I did not function. I did though get to know myself again, through mindfulness and Therapy. We got back together again after this happened and she was obviously more attracted to me than before. I was though, a little bit jealous though. At the time I was on the other hand okay with saying: Sure, we can hang out again. But im only want to say this once, if you kiss, or have sex or whatever with another man, its over. OK? Something that I had said, but never really stood up for before. She went for it, and we had a fantastic month together. Some arguments, but on a completely other level. It was fine to have arguments, it was more like getting to know eachother arguments, than we hate eachother arguments.

Then, shame on me, it did happen again. She went to another country, came back and explained the first day she came back that she made out with 2other men. It ran through my mind that I wanted to slap her. But I got rid of the thought, when she finally came over and said it though, the only thing I could think of was when we before had hit eachiother for fun, as some way to justify that I could do it again, so I did. Slapped her and threw a handfull of powder snow in her face. I turned my back and left.

It did not take long until I called her up, "im sorry, BUT..." over and over again, blaming her for a lot of stuff. I calmed down, and over the course of a month or so I called her like, everyday on evenings to check up on her if she had developed some sense of security within herself. (Yes i know, I was a ****ing douchebag, I will get to that in a minute). I was a turd, and she finally had it. I had no idea at all, because of her being very nice to me when I called her. everytime. But when it came, she said it with no remorse. "It is over, stop calling me, I do not want to hear from you anymore. It is exactly like you say, I do not respect you, and you do not respect me, that is why we are not going to meet anymore." I got really really really sad.

after a couple of weeks I emailed her. Or amybe she mailed me, I dont really remember, but we met up again. Maybe two or three times, and if I remember it correctly, it was fine, it was lovely. We had a really good time. I had come to a point where I had forgiven myself for my own actions, and that, in some extent, worked as some way to get us back together I believe. Because it made it so that I didnt always critizise her I suppose.

Then she left, for another country. We didnt hear from eachother for like 2months. I had expected her to do it, because she said that she wanted to be with me forever. But no, no calls, no mails, no nothing. I mailed her, which led to that she wanted to come with me travelling. I had my ways bu her country when I was out, and she was supposed to join along. But no. I got there, saw her with another guy (if that is of any relevance to what I will say next, dear, female brains) and she on the day before we was gonna go, after I staid there for week, said that she didnt want to come. Oh, I said.

I got a bit confused. Went away by myself. And did a lot of thinking, in weird places in the world.

I got back home and did more thinking. I realized something, that I never ever actully said that I am sorry, and been honest about it. I felt very honest, and I felt like I really needed to do that, so I did. No "buts", or anything. I wrote to her that I had been thinking alot, about that I wanted to hear apologies from her, but that I really, just wanted to say it myself. So I said it, and it felt, so incredibly, super, much better.

So, now, today. I havent missed this girl in like, a year. She moved in my head, she then became lke a nagging moment in my head, except for some weeks here and there. She has such a stronghold in my brain that I am forced to go through it and get to know myself better for everytime. And now, this time, Ive started to miss her. Her hugs, how she smells, and I wish that she'd say something, I was the last one to answer on our mailcontact, I wished that she'd engage in conversation, shared her thoughts on what I wrote about how I feel about life, myself, and what I want to do. Maybe with what she wants to do, how she feels abot life, herself, or whatever. I miss her. I make it through, im not heartbroken sad, like, that. Ive had girls over, I enjoy company with my friends and do stuff all the time. But sometimes, moments, she knocks on her own door that she has in my head, and shares her love with me.

There are people suggesting that women understand eachother. So wht do you say? What is she thinking?