3 year, near engagement relationship.... close to failing... :(

Hi forum and thanks for reading this long thread,

obviously not everything can be said about a 3 year relationship so I will try to create the most readable version of the story. Also since I'm telling the story, assume there might be a little bias toward my side (obviously) and consider that when reading please :P

It all started when I left for vacation with my family. I mistakenly told my girlfriend or 3 years that I was going to return on Thursday. But the Sunday before my return, I realized I was not going to return until the next Saturday (2 days later than I told her). She has been taken care of our 6mo puppy in her house during my trip and expected me to return Thursday, so naturally the change in schedule was not pleasant news. But then things broke lose, her family was furious of this, she calls me telling me her mom wants to take the puppy because of this irresponsible act.

Sidebar on the puppy: we(mostly me), have taken care of the puppy's financial and health needs for the 5 months we had her, splitting time between staying at her house and mine, so in my opinion, her mom's reaction was way over the top, and threatening to take the puppy because of this is completely out of line.

Anyways, back to the story, I naturally apologise profusely for my inconsideration. But it seemed she was very upset at how selfish I am, irresponsible, and careless about the well being of our puppy because I did not bother to confirm the date of my return. I accept all blame, we talked on the phone for hours (let me remind you, I am on vacation, in Vancouver, with my parents and sister). I even made my parents leave dinner, walk 30 minutes back to the hotel, just to charge my phone in order to call her. We talked probably for close to 3 hours the first day on the phone.

During the conversation, Other things started spilling out, I won't start list each one of them but one of the other concern she had was again, has to do with my selfishness. Sidebar again: I have just graduated from my university this spring, and will start graduate school in a top 5 ranked PhD psychology program where the job prospect is VERY good ( average 75k starting salary for PhDs in this field). Anyways, I currently drive 1 hour to my undergraduate institution to work on my research for about 20 paid hours a week (3 days), and I come home the other 4 days to watch the puppy and spend time with my gf (who also works around 20 hours). Anyways, her discontent is how little I am working to save money for our future (we were planning to get engaged over the summer), and she wanted me to get a second job. But I didn't feel it was necessary to get more hours at this stage, considering I have been saving money for the last 3 years (a LOT more than what she has), worked my butt off to get into a top PhD program, I wanted to enjoy the summer before graduate school with my new puppy and take things easy, so I told her I didn't want to. So she pushed and pushed for me to get another job and finally, this time, it blew up. She said I am selfish, lacked work ethic, has no consideration for others. I try to tell that, considering I am working part time, I have a pretty secure, stable future ahead of me, and a healthy saving, a couple extra bucks just won't make a difference. But when she has her mind set in her ways in such issues, there was no talking her in backing down. She then started demanding that I seek professional help (counseling) for my selfishness, and that I needed to do something drastic or this relationship can not continue... I eventually gave in

Anyways, the fight went on from Sunday, to Tuesday. 3 days of our family vacation on talking over mostly these two issues and my selfish tendancies, and it got to a point where she threatens to break up. I was frustrated... for many obvious reasons and some not so obvious. The obvious reason: I'm on vacation, there is a time and place to discuss this and to blow up the way she did and drag the discussion on for 3 whole days, holding up dinners and running up the roaming bill (to be fair, some days we didn't talk as much because it just wasn't possible... I'm on vacation with my family), it was just not appropriate, in my opinion. The not so obvious reason, I had spoiled the relationship to a point where she feels she is entitled to such behavior, and she feels no reservation to stop, let it go for the time being, and talk about it when I return. I was angry at myself...

By Wednesday, I was very frustrated... even though the fight had settled and she was no longer angry, I wasn't happy because, I had to think to myself, I was ready to propose to this girl and yet, I allow a fight over something so mundane carry on for 3 whole days at the expense of my family. To be clear, I'm never saying what I did was not wrong (at least the scheduling mix up was my fault), or that she had no right to be upset, but the magnitude of her anger and how she chose to resolve it is out of line. I am willing to apologise, and acknowledge that I have some selfish tenancies ( and I do, what 21 year old is perfectly mature and selfless?), but the fact I let this go on for 3 days makes me a little concerned with my place in this relationship. So even though by Tuesday, we were somewhat settled, By Wednesday, I was very tired and did not want to talk about this any further, So I did not contact her as I usually do in the past, I wanted some time away from all this... when she texted that she was expecting me to call her and sad that I havent, I told her I am on the train to Seattle and I will call her later today. but she was not pleased with the attitude of my text (lack of emoticons unlike I usually do), and I'm fully aware that I didn't have emoticons because to be frank, I wasn't particularly happy for reasons mentioned above, but really did not want to talk about them while I'm still on vacation. So I told her this was not a good time to talk... then all hell broke loose, the calls would not stop, but I was on a train and I felt enough is enough, so I told her, very straight forwardly, that I have to call her back later. Things went down hill from there VERY quickly because it was "not like me", to not want to talk to her, etc etc (again has to do with how I spoiled this relationship by submitting to all her demands), and things were even more out of hand when her mom, felt it was necessary, to talk to me by texting me wanting to talk, because I was treating her daughter so horribly...

I held my ground and insisted we talk later despite her crying and cussing at me ignoring her calls. Finally we got to talk once I got into the hotel, she then started demanding that because of how I treated her, I needed to seek psychological help for my anger issues or she will not put up with this, etc. And even after the yelling and screaming stopped, she still insisted that I have passive aggressive anger issues and need help from a professional... so now, I'm faced with this decision... accept her demand, once more, and get a psychiatrist for my "problems" or tell her no.

anyways... I feel not only some of her expectations are unreasonable, especially when I declared that I did not want to do them (eg work a second job), for her to keep pushing her ideals on me is just totally unfair. Also, the very fact she feels that she is entitled to push these expectations with no reservation and attacks any of my opposition with relentless objection is the very root of the problem in this relationship. I think is because of this, I can't even tell her to let go of an issue for 1 day while I'm still out on vacation with my family, without her flipping out and assume I'm a clinically angry human being that has wronged her in every way. I think where I'm getting at is, she feels that her controlling mentality is justified because of what she does for me (which is a lot, and I fully appreciate). She thinks "because I do all these wonderful things without being asked, nothing I ask of him can be too much). Anyways, there is more to this than I can explain, I'm on vacation and have been lacking sleep, food, because of this, so I'm hardly being coherent... but now she is asking me to seek psychological help and its just absurd, and by giving in to this demand, I will basically bring on a never ending stream of demands and more expecations that I will NEVER have a shred of opinion in, because I will officially, clinically, be the problem. I think, for my own sanity and last need to say no, but I just want some external, 3rd person input. Its just difficult because we get alone so well and she great in so many ways...

Disclaimer: again, I might have omit some details due to my own bias so take that into consideration..

cheers, really appreciate the time if you made it through.